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    Amhals magic[Check please]

    Amhal
    Amhal

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : None
    Position : None
    Posts : 105
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 30
    Mentor : --------
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Take Over: Manticore
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Amhal 10th June 2012, 4:58 pm

    Primary Magic: Take Over: Manticore
    Secondary Magic:
    Caster or Holder: Caster
    Description:
    Amhals magic comes from a giant Manticore wich once attacked his village and was sealed into
    him by his parents. Over the years his body became used to the beast in it and he gained the
    ability to to control and use the power of it. By changing parts of his own body, Amhal
    multiplies his physical and magical abilities. The more he becomes a Manticore the more
    aggressive unpredictable and ruthless his fighting style becomes. Besides a few exceptions
    his attacks are based on close-Combat. His fighting style itself isn't based on a special
    martial art. Only surviving(winning) counts so he uses everything that works against his
    enemy. Some of his skills are darkness and/or poison based. A strong and sudden flow of negative
    emotions could let the power of the Manticore temporary burst out of his body, letting him
    rage around in beast form without any control. He will revert after getting koed or when the power
    is used up.

    Strengths:
    -High endurance and stamina
    -Close combat with him makes you exhaust way faster because of his strong physical attacks
    -It's harder to foresee his attacks because of his beast like movements

    Weaknesses:
    -Weak at mid and large range
    -Fighting in water or on slippery surfaces because he can't find any holding
    -Concentration slowly decreases when battle lasts longer

    Abilities/Powers:
    -Lord of Beasts(passive ability):
    When Amhal is using magic, Animals and monster hesitate in their movements, are
    stunned or try to run away because of fear. The reaction is independent from the
    amount of magic he uses. They feel the magical force of the Manticore in Amhal
    and their instincts tell them to react. Monster and Animals in an area of 50
    meters are under the effect and it lasts as long as Amhal is using Magic. The
    range can possibly change when a massive amount of magical energy is used.
    (reaction depends on Monsters strength:Weak=running away; Medium=stunned short;
    Strong=hesitates short) Only animals with the same or lower rank as Amhal are affected.
    A few wizards could be able to feel the Manticore too but humans aren't driven
    by instinct so they will decide on their own if they even react to it.


    Spells:

    D-Rank
    Spoiler:

    :wolverine:


    Last edited by Amhal on 1st July 2012, 5:32 am; edited 6 times in total
    Amhal
    Amhal

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : None
    Position : None
    Posts : 105
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 30
    Mentor : --------
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Take Over: Manticore
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Amhal 19th June 2012, 12:01 pm

    ........ *waits patiently*


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    Amhals magic[Check please] Signaturn
    Shinigami
    Shinigami

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Armored Beast
    Position : None
    Posts : 348
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 25
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Prince of Death
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Shinigami 19th June 2012, 3:48 pm

    Since no one is checking your work for the past couple of days, I'll just step in and review it right now. Hi! My name is Shinigami, and today, I'll be the one to review your work!


    - Claw of The Manticore:
    Personnaly I find this spell to be a bit too strong as a D-rank spell. Two fold his amount of strength? I think that is too much. Also, please note that if you want the spell to be more powerful than the rest of the D-ranks, I advise you to at least increase the cool downs. Does the process happen in an instant or what? Please explain that. Also, please put the fill in the "type" section. It doesn't have to be nature type. You can put in "take-over".
    BTW: Please note that a D-rank spell should have a small duration with an appropriate amount of cool downs.

    - Wings of the Manticore
    Does this proccess all happen in an instance? Please explain that. Thanks.
    Like I said before, a D-rank spell should have a small duration with an appropriate amount of cool downs.

    - Eyes of the Manticore; Loneliness (Skill)
    Please put in some more detail. How does he turn his eyes red? Is it for both of his eyes or one of his eyes?

    - Mane of the Manticore; Betrayal
    I don't understand to what the spell's effects are. Please put that in.


    Last edited by Shinigami on 22nd June 2012, 4:48 am; edited 3 times in total


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    Amhals magic[Check please] Untitl12
    Amhal
    Amhal

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : None
    Position : None
    Posts : 105
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 30
    Mentor : --------
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Take Over: Manticore
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Amhal 20th June 2012, 8:48 am

    bump :bounce:


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    Amhals magic[Check please] Signaturn
    Shinigami
    Shinigami

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Armored Beast
    Position : None
    Posts : 348
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 25
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Prince of Death
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Shinigami 20th June 2012, 7:53 pm

    Cool, but there are still problems in this app (mainly typos)

    - Please capitalize all of the words that starts in the beginning of a sentence.

    - It seems that you keep on saying "then" when it should be "than". Please change it.

    Lord of Beasts:
    Weak Animals and Monster sense the Manticore when Amhal activates his power
    so they hesitate in their movements, are stunned or try to run away because
    of fear.(debending on strength of the animal/monster) Doesn't got any effect
    against human.


    I feel like there are no details on Lord of the Beasts. How does the person activate the technique? Why are they afraid? Is it because of the person showing off how much energy he has? Why is this technique ineffective when used against a human? Explain the process. Also, the word debending is misspelled. Please change this. Doesn't got any effect against human is bad grammar. It should be, It doesn't give any effects against human.

    - Eyes of Manticore:
    How does one get out of the curse? Please explain more.

    Mane of the Manticore:
    I feel like this technique is too OP. Maybe, when somebody gets hit by this spell, they would gain some cuts that takes days to heal or something?


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    Amhals magic[Check please] Untitl12
    Amhal
    Amhal

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : None
    Position : None
    Posts : 105
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 30
    Mentor : --------
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Take Over: Manticore
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Amhal 21st June 2012, 8:54 am

    bump :bball:
    I wasn't able to find any "then" or "than" in my text. 😕


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    Amhals magic[Check please] Signaturn
    Daichi
    Daichi

    Dragon Slayer- Senior [500]- Novice [250]- 1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Phoenix's Fire
    Position : None
    Posts : 519
    Guild : Fairy Tail
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 26
    Mentor : Ryujin the Water Dragon
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Water Dragon Slayer
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Daichi 23rd June 2012, 6:28 am

    I think the 'then' part was this:
    'The fur is water-repellent and can only burn with fire higher then C-Rank.'
    I know it's not that much of a big deal, so sorry if you have any troubles with this.


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    KAGAMI DAICHI
    THEME SONGDRAGON FORCE THEME
    Amhal
    Amhal

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : None
    Position : None
    Posts : 105
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 30
    Mentor : --------
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Take Over: Manticore
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Amhal 23rd June 2012, 7:20 am

    thanks! changed :D
    bump bump bump :!:


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    Amhals magic[Check please] Signaturn
    Alleria
    Alleria

    Wicked Witch of the West



    Moderator- Ten Wizard Saint Member- S-Rank- A-Rank- Veteran Level 1- Senior [500]- Novice [250]- X-Mas Event Participant- 1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Necromancer's Passion
    Position : None
    Posts : 1274
    Guild : Guildless
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Ilyria the Fallen One
    Experience : 45400

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Geass Magic
    Second Skill: Nox Aeterna
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Alleria 1st July 2012, 4:12 am

    Lord of the beast is an ability too right? sounds like a passive ability.

    Claw of the Manticore;

    What would happen if his claw gets destroyed?

    Manticore wings is good.

    Eyes of the Manticore;

    Looks like an eye technique to me, basically it reduces the trust between team mates.
    Can you make put the restriction "targets must look into his eyes for it to take effect" and also
    "targets wont be affected if looked at his eyes through reflections"

    Mane of the Manticore;
    "it needs a weapon/ability higher then C-Rank to destroy them."
    Its a D rank ability, make it "weapon/ability higher than D-Rank to destroy it"

    "the person will take several cuts which take some days to heal."
    some days is a bit too much, tone it down a bit, causing several cuts is enough.

    You can make the duration last for 2 post or until it gets destroyed.

    bump when done


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    Amhal
    Amhal

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : None
    Position : None
    Posts : 105
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 30
    Mentor : --------
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Take Over: Manticore
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Amhal 1st July 2012, 4:43 am

    bump !!!
    but about the claws:
    i already wrote about what happens when destroyed
    (when claws destroyed he cant slice anymore and wounds of that arm will be on his original arm too)


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    Amhals magic[Check please] Signaturn
    Alleria
    Alleria

    Wicked Witch of the West



    Moderator- Ten Wizard Saint Member- S-Rank- A-Rank- Veteran Level 1- Senior [500]- Novice [250]- X-Mas Event Participant- 1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Necromancer's Passion
    Position : None
    Posts : 1274
    Guild : Guildless
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Ilyria the Fallen One
    Experience : 45400

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Geass Magic
    Second Skill: Nox Aeterna
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Alleria 1st July 2012, 5:12 am

    Manticore Claws
    "The entire process takes 3 seconds" make it "The entire process takes one post" also make sure that within that one post you are not battling or in line of fight ok?

    "The fur is water-repellent and can only burn with fire higher than C-Rank."
    Uhh suggestion.
    Make it "The fur is fire resistant and can only burn with fire higher than D-Rank."
    Sorry if I had to lower it, its a D rank spell after all.
    Manticore Eyes
    "It is like a curse and will make the victim think he is fighting
    alone."
    You can rephrase it like this.
    "It is a curse that alters the victims perception on his allies, making him trust them less."

    The Lord of beast Im allowing, as long as it only works when your using your take over magic and it only affects animals of the same rank.Example you are rank D right now, only rank D animals can only be affected.

    Bump when done.


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    Entrance Theme:
    Spoiler:

    Battle Theme:
    Spoiler:
    Amhal
    Amhal

    1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : None
    Position : None
    Posts : 105
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 30
    Mentor : --------
    Experience : 0

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Take Over: Manticore
    Second Skill:
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Amhal 1st July 2012, 5:32 am

    bump :D


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    Amhals magic[Check please] Signaturn
    Alleria
    Alleria

    Wicked Witch of the West



    Moderator- Ten Wizard Saint Member- S-Rank- A-Rank- Veteran Level 1- Senior [500]- Novice [250]- X-Mas Event Participant- 1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Necromancer's Passion
    Position : None
    Posts : 1274
    Guild : Guildless
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Ilyria the Fallen One
    Experience : 45400

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Geass Magic
    Second Skill: Nox Aeterna
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Alleria 1st July 2012, 5:39 am

    Its ok for me, a bit rough on the grammar but still doable.
    Also the passive ability, im basing from the summoners law section.
    Take over magic is kinda new.
    Open for scrutiny from other mods.


    _____________________________________________________________________________________

    Entrance Theme:
    Spoiler:

    Battle Theme:
    Spoiler:
    Alleria
    Alleria

    Wicked Witch of the West



    Moderator- Ten Wizard Saint Member- S-Rank- A-Rank- Veteran Level 1- Senior [500]- Novice [250]- X-Mas Event Participant- 1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Necromancer's Passion
    Position : None
    Posts : 1274
    Guild : Guildless
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Ilyria the Fallen One
    Experience : 45400

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Geass Magic
    Second Skill: Nox Aeterna
    Third Skill:

    Amhals magic[Check please] Empty Re: Amhals magic[Check please]

    Post by Alleria 11th July 2012, 10:13 am

    Approving it.


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