Questions and Answers

Hope was a fleeting feeling, or so Mercury had learned throughout her life. The few times when she was younger that she had attempted to find the silver linings in her life despite her circumstances, they had been swiftly cut from her. The Nazru had done an excellent job in conditioning her to fear them, to respond and live her life under the thought of their constant tyranny with subservience. That was greatly in part to the fact that they had captured her at such a young age. The Xocili people aged rather quickly, reaching adolescence at eight years and adulthood at sixteen -- though once they hit adulthood, they lived for hundreds if not thousands of years, barring tragedy. So even though Mercury had only been a little over a year old when they found her, she was further along cognitively than most species were. Old enough to listen and understand, learn and obey, but not quite old enough to really be forming her own decisions or interpret the greater ramifications of what was happening to her.

And because of that, she had rather easily been molded into the perfect tool, manipulated into believing that she was helpless against her fate and powerless against those who had taken away any future she might have otherwise had. So very quickly she had learned to let go of the notion that things would ever get better, because it was easier to endure it in resignation than to get her hopes up only to come crashing back down. Here on Earthland, though -- outside of the immediate watching eye of her superiors -- she’d been able to relax and go a little wild for the first time in her life. To actually live and not just exist, even if only temporarily. Mercury had let the sense of freedom go to her head, and had gotten attached not just to Vandrad but to the planet itself. Silver Wolf was the closest thing to a stable and secure home she’d ever had, outside of the one that Themesycia had given her in Bellum, which she hadn’t really gotten the chance to spend much time at yet. But she’d still been here long enough to get comfortable, and now reality was crashing back down around her.

She spoke at length about some of the more disheartening parts of her past, giving him insight into the true nature of her atmosphere growing up, and in typical Vandrad fashion he remained silent throughout, listening intently to what she had to say. Mercury had never felt so exposed before, which was saying a lot. For a moment after she finished, he didn’t say anything. What would he say? She’d probably be stumped in his shoes. She certainly had been when his mother told her about his own past. But soon enough he moved over to her, sitting on the bed near her and relieving himself of the burden of his clothing and gear. Mercury didn’t shy away from him. If anything, she was happy that he had moved close, but she still didn’t have the guts to look up at him yet.

When he did start talking, he reminded her of the time he very well did try to kill her and get her to leave him alone. Despite the seriousness of the topic, there was some light humor to it as there generally was whenever the subject was brought up between them. But Vandrad reiterated that he’d fought pretty hard to keep her out of his life, both physically and emotionally. He’d failed to do so, and admitted there were moments where he wished he had been more successful, but that was a fleeting feeling at best. He valued the relationship they had and wouldn’t give it up for anything. He didn’t know what laid ahead for them now that her secret was out -- or at least, one of her secrets -- but he did believe that her dejected outlook on her future wasn’t the only type of future she might have in store for her. Not now that he was in her life to help her overcome those obstacles.

The prince knew what her intentions with him had been at the start. He wasn’t an idiot, and she knew that. She’d known it since the beginning. But his intentions at first really hadn’t been any better than hers had. Whatever their relationship was, it had not started out even remotely healthy or stable. There was no reason either of them should have reached this point of emotional intimacy or trust. But they were still here nonetheless, and Vandrad had no intentions on backing down from helping her live a full and free life. Her problems were his problems now, as far as he was concerned, and that was just the price she had to pay for shoving herself into his life to begin with. He didn’t know what lay ahead for them, but he told her with certainty that she wasn’t going to lose him. Not over this. In fact, he told her that if anyone tried to take it from them, they’d just kill them. An aggressive stance, but not one without merit or efficiency.

Mercury knew that level of bluster would only get them so far. Unfortunately, the Nazru were nothing like what he’d ever faced on Earthland, and there was no way that she could get into those kinds of details without revealing what few bits of vulnerability and secrets she had left…. But it was a nice thought. Even if she believed that their chances would be slim at best, Mercury couldn’t deny that it meant everything to her to have someone so firmly in her corner, so willing to lay everything on the line to keep her safe and happy. To have someone that would, as he said, fight for her. She felt him look up at her toward the end, and he informed her that no matter what came to pass because of her history, they would face it together and grow together.

Finally, Mercury found the strength to turn her face slowly up to meet his, her emerald eyes searching to validate the sincerity of his words and promises. Not that she was suspicious he was lying, because there was no wariness in her gaze. If anything, it was more a look of… pleading. A yearning for hope for things she’d never been able to have, things she’d never believed she’d find for herself. Mercury wanted everything that he was telling her could be, wanted the free and happy future that he seemed determined she could have, but was afraid to let herself reach for those things and risk being disappointed. And while they very much could try, and fail, as she met his gaze and allowed herself the chance to finally look at him for the first time since she’d gotten hurt, Mercury could see the staunch refusal to back down in his expression, his genuine desire to be by her side and to fight not just for her life but for her happiness.

And despite everything, despite her fears and her hardships and the overwhelming reality of her existence that she’d still yet to tell him, it felt good. If anything, Mercury was surprised by how relieving it was for him to know the truth, if not all of it. It was a big step for her, a scary one that had been forced on her through circumstance, but there was something comforting in the fact that he knew exactly what she was and had no interest in rejecting her or treating her any differently. The barest of smiles touched her lips, but it was the most genuine expression of contentment that he would have seen from her to date. “Thank you, Vandrad,” she told him softly. There was nothing else she could really say, and if there was she certainly didn’t know the words. Somehow, she felt that he wouldn’t be bothered by her simple response.

A bit of silence followed, but this time it was much more comfortable than the previous ones. The tension in the air had loosened considerably, even after Mercury pulled her gaze away once more. Her eyes caught the window and the sun that was quickly fading in the distance. It was still light out but not for much longer. Vandrad would probably have to be leaving soon if he wanted to make it home before it got too late. The thought sent a small pang of sadness through her, an obvious note against the rest of her emotions that had managed to calm themselves down. She didn’t want him to leave, yet. She didn’t want to be alone. Vandrad made her feel like everything was going to be okay, and as long as he was there she knew all her negative thoughts would be kept at bay. Once she was alone, though… It would be much more difficult to fight the darkness back.

“It’s getting late,” Mercury told him softly. Turning back to him, she shyly said, “You can stay, if you want. We have a lot of really nice guest rooms… Or you’re welcome to… stay in here, too. With me. My bed is a little smaller than yours…” Her voice trailed off for a second, stopping herself from rambling. A slight blush rose to her cheeks. This was a lot harder to bring up than she’d anticipated. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. N-not that I’m kicking you out. You can stay as long as you want, I don’t want you to feel like I’m…” Well, so much for not rambling. She closed her eyes with a slight sigh. At this point it would be less of an embarrassment to just say what she wanted.

“You don’t have to… but I would be happy if you stayed.”

Mercury wasn’t necessarily surprised when he reached over and took her hand, slipping his fingers between hers and holding it in earnest. It was an innocent display of intimacy that neither of them had yet to really broach with each other. They had certainly held hands before, but it had always ever been while engaging one another sexually or in trying not to get lost through a crowd. They’d never really held hands just for the sake of doing so. At the same time, the small moments of tenderness that they had shared in the past were filled with so much sincerity and caring that this new display didn’t really catch her off guard. And if anything, she needed it. Her trepidation settled a fair bit more at the reassurance of his touch, her hand squeezing his not just in appreciation but with a need to maintain that physical connection with him.

Luckily, it seemed he had no intention of pulling his hand away, continuing to hold hers even through the soft silence that followed, as well as through her making an absolute ass of herself by bumbling over her attempt to invite him to stay. It was rare for Mercury to be so flustered that she lost her ability to speak clearly, let alone to blush, but the whole experience from the day had shaken her pretty greatly and she was well off her game. Thankfully, he elected not to tease her about it. Instead, once she finally worked up the courage to just admit that she wanted him to stay with her, Vandrad simply told her that he hadn’t planned on leaving anyway unless she asked him to. The comment was followed by the tightening of his hold on her, and her smile grew the littlest bit.

She was more than happy just to sit with him at that point, feeling much lighter and at ease than she had in a really long time. Really, since any time she could remember in her life. Despite the fact that the choice to do so had been ripped from her control, there was something relieving about clearing the air with him regarding what she really was. Or at least, most of it. She really didn’t need anything more from him than what he was already giving her, and was content at that point to try and move on. Vandrad, however, had more on his mind. Mercury was about to suggest watching a movie or something else on the relaxing side, when he spoke up again, changing the subject to something that was completely unexpected to her: his scars.

His tone was gentler and less confident than it had been a moment ago, causing Mercury to frown in concern. Though she probably should have realized right away where this conversation was about to go, she wasn’t thinking straight at the moment. That, and she had no idea of the history of his scars. It wasn’t until he started telling her that the marks weren’t from battle like he let most people believe that a sinking sensation began to settle slowly on the woman. Mercury had never really thought very much about the marks, assuming -- as everyone else had -- that they were simply part of his life as a soldier. Even after Themesycia had told her of her mother’s cruelty to him as a child, it hadn’t been a connection that she had put together. Afterall, the duchess had never really gone into detail about how Vandrad had been abused, just that he had been.

So when the prince admitted that the scars were, in fact, from his grandmother, Mercury felt like her stomach had dropped out of her body. A wave of ice washed over her and there was no mistaking the look of shock on her face as the truth hit her, which thankfully would be true of anyone reacting to such news even without him realizing that she already knew most of what had happened. He would probably just assume that her response was simply from the knowledge that his own flesh and blood had abused him, which wasn’t untrue. Mercury really hadn’t known the scars’ origins, so her surprise was certainly genuine. Still, she kept her mouth shut and her eyes on him attentively as he got into the story for her from his own perspective.

He told her about the status of both his parents at the time of his youth, and how that had led to Yuna being his caregiver. He reiterated for her that the woman worked for his family, but his mother was in love with her and they intended to be married at some point. Even now, Vandrad could easily recall how fond he had been of Yuna and how much he had looked forward to her being an official mother in his life. But even at his young age, he knew that the woman was too trusting. Or perhaps it was a truth that had occurred to him later in life as he matured. Either way, he explained that his grandmother would often find ways to convince Yuna that he would be safe in her own care while Yuna attended other matters.

Vandrad went into a little more detail than Themesycia had, explaining that the woman had used a style of manipulation magic to restrain him while cutting him with both knives and insults that he surely wasn’t capable of compartmentalizing at that age. And to top it off, she would hide the marks afterward and tell him that the abuse would be worse if he talked to anyone about it. Mercury drew in a sharp breath of indignation at knowledge, stunned to anger that anyone would treat their own family that way, especially a child. Otherwise, she continued to let him talk without interruption as he explained that it was during one of those times Yuna had felt compelled to check on him and caught the woman in the act. She’d screamed for Simon and attacked Themesycia’s mother without hesitation, and it had cost her her life.

Watching Yuna be impaled was the last thing Vandrad remembered before he blacked out, waking to Simon shaking him and a hole in the wall where his grandmother once was. He knew immediately that he had killed her, and even at that age was glad that he had done so. But with it had come a deep seeded guilt over the fact that if he had just stood up for himself sooner, perhaps Yuna wouldn’t have had to lose her life to save him. It had been enough to cement in him that his grandmother’s words about his weakness were right, and he’d devoted his entire life to never being so stupid ever again, to being so strong that he could overcome anyone who dared to challenge him. Even for a woman who had grown up under constant oppression, it was a heartbreaking motivation to live by.

The prince admitted that the scars didn’t need to stay. He could have them removed magically, but had elected to keep them as a reminder to what he never wanted to be again. But the damage had been done, and he could still hear her in his head at times when he was feeling vulnerable. From the way he spoke about it, she almost got the sense that he heard her voice more literally than figuratively. But as he explained, those moments weren’t as loud when Mercury was around. He had managed to look up at her briefly for a moment, but now his head fell back down again, shaking it softly as he told her that he wanted her to know the truth about his past, which he’d never told anyone before. She’d earned the privilege of hearing it, being his closest ally. She knew he meant his compliment more to say that she was his friend, but it seemed even in their realest moments together it was a difficult thing for him to admit.

As she had been when Themesycia had told her version of the story, Mercury was at a complete loss for words over what to say. He probably wasn’t asking her to say anything at all, just wanting to open up and be equally as vulnerable as she was, but at the same time saying nothing just felt… insensitive. She wanted nothing more than to wash all his pain away, but knew from personal experience that it wasn’t quite as easy as that. In fact, his past was so similar to hers in more ways that he even realized that Mercury was more than aware of the kind of mental state he lived in about it. It wasn’t so different from her own that she hid under layers and layers of confidence and lies, both of which were quickly crumbling and losing ground the more time they spent together. Even now she could remember every time she’d gone through similar exposures to pain and torture, the only difference being that she’d never had anyone around to come and save her from it. Not that she would say so, of course. Right now the moment was about him, and she wasn’t going to take away from that.

But that didn’t mean she couldn’t do what was in her control to make sure he knew he wasn’t alone.

“It’s not easy to block those voices out,” she told him sadly, her own gaze lost in the space of blankets between their legs. “Even when they’re no longer right there next to you, they’re never truly gone. I don’t know that they ever can be silenced completely. People like that leave an impression, and a lifetime of fighting may never be enough to overcome it.” Even without her overtly saying it, it was clear that she was speaking from a place of being intimately familiar with the type of treatment he’d received as a child, which was likely not a surprise given what she’d already admitted regarding having to fight for survival since she was old enough to walk. War was as abusive as it came, and was a traumatizing experience as a child.

Mercury shifted her gaze to her left hand, which she raised enough that they both could see it. A subtle flex of her magic was all it took for the ring he had given her to form around her middle finger where he’d originally put it weeks back. The truth was, she hadn’t taken it off since he’d told her he wanted her to keep it. It meant so much to her, and she was afraid to lose it, so she kept it on but always had it merged beneath her flesh where know one would know about it but her, and now him. With a small gulp, she squeezed his hand more tightly and lifted it up, resting the back of his palm against her chest and holding it with both of her own hands like she were embracing a stuffed animal for comfort. Without raising her gaze, told him, “But good people leave impressions too, not just the bad ones. I never had the opportunity to understand that before, but you… you’ve been teaching me that, I think. And it’s not easy, and not always consistent but I feel like…” Her voice trailed off as she sought for the right words to convey her thoughts.

“Like the good you’ve done in my life, even for the short time we’ve known each other, has been more impactful to me than all the ways I’ve been hurt by others in the past.I don’t look it but… if it weren’t for the fact that my people don’t scar… Well, my body would look just like yours. I know how it feels to have that fear constantly looming over your shoulder, that resignation that comes with not being able to escape that kind of hopelessness. But I don’t feel so hopeless when I have you here to share that weight. I’ve never thought too much about my future because I always assumed I didn’t have one. And maybe I don’t. We’ll only know in time, but… Your people, the Earthlanders. You have this concept I’ve been struggling to understand ever since I started learning about your gods and demons and such. A phenomenon called miracles, where things that have no logical or scientific right to exist just… happen. Knowing you has made me want to believe in those.”

“I don’t know how people like us defeat this kind of enemy. By myself I know I don’t stand a chance. But maybe, if we keep working on it together… maybe we’ll figure it out. We’ve come this far, right..?”

The depth of her words surprised even Mercury as they spilled from her mouth. And despite them being her words, she really didn’t understand the heart of what she was trying to say to him. She just didn’t have the context to know her own heart. She’d never cared about anyone before, not even really herself. She’d always been so reckless with her own life and her actions, because what was the worst that would happen? She’d die? Death would be a relief. The only reason Mercury hadn’t committed suicide by this point was because she just didn’t care enough to bother. There were a few other reasons of course, but that one was arguably the most pressing. She really, truly had never had a reason to live before, but Vandrad… he made her want to live, and it was overwhelming.

When his free hand came up and took her cheek, she finally looked up at him again. Like the moment they had shared back on the porch of the house Themesycia had given her in Bellum, Mercury turned her face into his palm, resting her cheek against the limb. He didn’t say much in response, but at this point there were little words that could follow what had already been said, nor follow what hadn’t been said. He simply assured her that the two of them would continue to press forward and go further than either of them once believed they could, side by side. Then, he leaned forward and kissed her, the first time they’d shared such an act since Bellum. While Mercury wasn’t totally ready for it, compared to all the prior times her surprise barely lasted more than a split second. Even if she wasn’t expecting it, she recognized by now that it was what she wanted, and because of that she responded almost immediately by resting one of her hands on his chest over his robe and returning his passionate kiss in kind.

By the time morning came, the two of them were tucked comfortably in Mercury’s bed, with the Silver Wolf mage on the inside of the bed next to the wall in the little alcove. She knew he was more likely to wake up before she did, so it had made more sense to her to let him sleep by the other side so if he got up but didn’t wake her right away, he could feel free to do a small morning workout or even surf around on her computer or play on the piano. The keyboard had a thick headset on it that kept any sound contained, so he wouldn’t have to be worried about waking her in that instance. Once she was finally awake, whether after he’d been up for a bit and decided to rouse her or if he woke her up when he was ready to rise, he’d notice she was a lot more personable than most other mornings thus far, even in comparison to how much better she’d already been in recent mornings. She was still groggy of course, and definitely not a morning person, but Mercury roused herself a little quicker and more willingly than before. A quick pot of coffee was made from the little device she had in her room and soon she was ready to go.

Vandrad decided to stick around for a bit. It was the weekend, so rather than send him home she figured that day was as good as any to get him started on some Engineering lessons. Mercury couldn’t quite get him into the labs yet because that still needed to go through an approval process, but the accommodations she had in her room were sufficient enough for what they needed for now. So, they spent a few hours going over the devices and gear he had made, with her having him show her in great detail all that he’d managed to put together. She was very impressed with the work he had put in, and was free with compliments in all the places he’d more than earned them. Once they’d gotten through his overview, she got started giving him some tips and ideas on how to improve them with suggestions for better materials to use or different ways to wire the devices together that would channel the energy more smoothly, and for longer periods of time. He would learn quite a bit more about her during the process as well, with her freely giving a lot of information on the types of materials and tech her people were capable of, and even letting him examine Mercy in depth.

But all good things came to an end, and eventually the price did need to leave and return to Magnolia and his own guild. Mercury was sad for him to go, but her spirits were much lighter than the night before and there was a certain sense of peace in knowing that things were fine between them. More than fine. They were better than they ever had been, and she was still a bit high on the unexpected relief that had come from him discovering her secret. Vandrad knew what she was, now, and it hadn’t scared him off or caused him to pull back. If anything, it seemed to have made him want to keep her all the closer. She walked him down to the foyer to see him out, lingering with him in the doorway to bid him goodbye. She wouldn’t keep him too long, of course, but she did draw out the farewell long enough to quietly thank him again, to verify their plans for the next day, and to send him off with one more quick but soft kiss.

She waved as he flew off, not even bothering to hide the small smile on her face. Mercury couldn’t recall a single time in her life prior to this where she’d ever felt this happy, this hopeful. It was honestly a bit silly, and she knew that, but the feeling was there all the same. Shaking her head a little at herself, without losing her expression, she retreated back into the building and shut the door behind her. On her way through the lobby toward the labs, her eyes caught Khelban, who was lounging on one of the many sofas in the common area, reading a book. She didn’t really think much of it, nor of the fact that he had been distracted by his book enough to be looking at her as she’d come back inside -- after all, a lot of interesting things had transpired between them during their last job together. She merely gave him a playful wink from across the room. He shot her a wide, teasing grin and then she disappeared down into the labs.

It wasn’t until after she was gone from his sight that his grin smoothed out into something more deep and pensive, perhaps even suspicious. Khelben glanced back at the door where Mercury had seen Vandrad out, replaying the scene he’d observed in his head and analyzing it. After a moment, he closed the book and tossed it back on the table he’d picked it up from -- he hadn’t been reading it anyway. Then, he headed back up to his own room…

...his head full of plans.