The Cost of Lives and the Price of Purpose [Shen Reintro]

It had been several months since the battle on the border between Bellum and Pergrande. A great deal had been on Serilda’s mind since that day. The losses on both sides had arguably been minimal. Sure, Pergrande had suffered almost ten times more casualties than Bellum had, but given the vast number that made up the northern nation’s population, it was hardly a staggering number. As violent as the skirmishes had been, and as much as it had felt like war, things could have been much, much worse.

It was still bad, however. While Serilda and Mythal had done their duties and openly participated in the front lines after the Magic Council’s call for action in assisting Bellum, something about the entire ordeal had never set right with her. There was still no firm answer on who had truly started the altercation, and while either side could be equally as culpable, every time she read over the reports she just couldn’t shake the feeling that she was missing something important, something dangerous. It felt like there was a wool being kept over her eyes -- a feeling she’d had a lot lately since the Council had put her in charge of the Rune Knights.

And while the Rune Knights hadn’t suffered too many direct casualties, there had still been deaths and even a small handful of people that had gone missing. For the first several weeks after the skirmishes, she had expected to wake up to some kind of random note that carried a list of her soldiers that had been captured as prisoners of war, offering them in exchange for many of the Pergrande soldiers that Bellum and Fiore had captured. Yet, nothing had ever come. Weeks turned to months, and she could only conclude that they were dead or had defected. Countless searches had been performed in the areas where they had been able to check without inciting more violence, but very little had been turned up. Each loss, each unanswered disappearance, weighed heavily on the field marshal’s spirit, the disciplined but compassionate woman assuming full responsibility and viewing the matter as a personal failure on her part to protect those in her command, despite the logical part of her mind knowing that she was being unfair to herself.

But, no loss had hurt more than that of Shen.

The young man that had once stumbled into her office by accident, stuttering and cowering behind his numerous insecurities, had grown so much in the time he had spent with the Knights. Serilda had taken a personal interest in guiding his training, surprising even herself with how invested she had become in his efforts to overcome his hardships and to what he was passionate about. And while he had certainly experienced his frustrations, often times not fully understanding why she had chosen to send him on particular missions or to put him in charge of units when he felt he wasn’t ready or worthy, he had overall been patient with her methods and attentive to the lessons she had been trying to teach him, even if they weren’t easy to decipher. With each passing day, and the completion of each new mission, he had grown more and more, and she’d had such high hopes for him.

So when his name had come up among the list of the missing, it had hit her particularly hard. Serilda knew that she should not value the life of any one soldier over another, and when it came down to it she truly valued each Knight and did her best to not make any of them feel like a number in a sea of faces. Yet, that didn’t stop her from feeling the loss of Shen more powerfully than the rest, from her thoughts often turning to worry over him and what had befallen him at that battle.

As time went on, it had gotten a little easier, if only because she had other things to distract her, the first of which was her pregnancy. The border skirmishes had taken place shortly after she had discovered she was with child. Or rather, children. Her belly had grown quite a bit over the last few months to accommodate for the two girls forming within her, and despite still having close to two months left in the process she already looked fit to burst. Work was becoming increasingly more difficult, and not just because of the added weight. Her hormones were all over the place, and while she had not yet reached the point of feeling that she needed to take extended leave, she was finding herself having to take more days off than usual as her body underwent changes that not even magic could properly alleviate.

As fate would have it, she was having a good day and managed to get into work, though she had more or less confined herself to her office and the endless mountain of paperwork before her. Xiuhcoatl, the large wolf with a thick black coat of fur that appeared to be speckled with stardust, relaxed comfortably on a dog bed in the corner. Serilda could feel the approach of an individual making their way to her door, but didn’t think much of it, assuming it was one of the generals or secretaries coming to pass along another report. She barely noticed the wolf raising her head and gently sniffing at the air and the faint but familiar scent that grew stronger as the individual drew near. Serilda was getting ready to answer with an absent minded permission to enter when she heard his voice.

There was a brief moment of disbelief as his words failed to truly settle on her consciousness. She blinked at the paper before her, her eyes no longer taking in the words on the parchment. “Kado…” She managed to get part of his name out in a whisper of shock before her gaze snapped forward and she used her Void magic to yank the door all the way open. There he stood like a ghost, his tattered clothing thrown together from bits and pieces that he had collected along the way until next to nothing of his uniform had remained. He looked beleaguered in every sense of the word. Exhaustion seemed to pour from his body, his eyes, his soul -- the very image of a man that had faced a nightmare and survived, but not unscathed.

And for Serilda’s part, her icy blue eyes were wide as saucers, the normally composed and dignified noblewoman unable to suppress how shaken she was to see him standing in her doorway after all this time. “Shen..!” she finally exclaimed, momentarily forgetting her own physical ailment and hurriedly trying to push herself to her feet. There was only a brief moment that she had to stop to steady herself, a quick reminder that she wasn’t as agile as she normally was, before she forced herself to push past the encumberment and waddle herself with as much haste as possible to the door.

The marshal practically pulled him into the room, shutting the door firmly behind them to ensure that they would have total privacy. It was taking every ounce of will power she had to not yank him into a firm hug, the woman having to actively remind herself that it would not be appropriate for her to do so. “Sit down,” the woman instructed him, though not unkindly as she gestured to the less formal couch and armchairs to the side of the office rather than the chairs in front of her desk. Xiuh had sat up fully, the hound’s body practically shivering with anxiety and excitement as she fed off the emotion from Serilda. The field marshal made her way over to the small bar against the wall and poured a glass of water, bringing it to the younger man.

“Drink this.” Sitting herself down carefully beside him, Serilda did her best to look him over without acting too much like a fussy mother. “Gods, Shen, I have been looking everywhere for you! Are you hurt? Do you need medical attention?” For all she knew he had already gone to see a medic first, though if that were the case she was going to have a number of unpleasant things to say to whoever had failed to report his return immediately to her. Though Serilda was chomping at the bit to get every piece of information about what had happened to him and where he had been, she restrained herself from diving into those questions just yet, keeping herself focused on his immediate needs first and not wanting him to feel cornered or pressured or anything but safe.

If Serilda noticed his own look of shock when he saw her, it didn’t show on her face. In truth, the field marshal was so overcome by the sight of him that it completely slipped her mind after all this time that when they last saw one another she had not been pregnant. Or at least, they had not announced it to the general world yet. She ushered him inside and closed the door, fetching him the drink that she had figured most appropriate. He looked worn down and for all she knew he hadn’t had anything substantial to eat or drink in quite some time. Her mind was instantly on taking care of him, wanting to make sure he wasn’t at need for anything, for while her job as marshal was to be a leading source of militaristic and political influence, she had always done her best to try and take care of her soldiers first and foremost. After all, without them, her army wouldn’t really live up to the term.

She sat beside him and asked to his physical wellbeing, to which he assured her he had no injuries. He looked different, and not just physically -- though there was a bit of that, as well. His hair had completely changed color though for the moment that wasn’t the most important note. What stood out to her more was the tiredness in his eyes, the slight droop of his shoulders, the uncharacteristic sense of calm that all seemed to speak volumes about what he’d been enduring the past several months in his absence. It was a weight that was quite familiar to Serilda. Indeed, it was familiar to many whose careers and duties revolved around war and bloodshed, a weight that Serilda had always hoped to never see upon the pupil that she had taken a special interest in yet had always known he would have eventually with the Knights.

There was an attempt at small talk, with Shen asking as to her own wellbeing and congratulating her on her pregnancy. Despite the situation, Serilda smiled softly. “Thank you, Shen. It’s been a rough few months for a number of reasons, but… it has not been without its silver linings.” A lot had happened to lead to where she a Mythal were today, and most of it had been harrowing and horrific, not to mention difficult to explain. But even if she took the time to fill him in at some point, it would not be right now. Her concern was with Shen for the moment, and she had utterly zero interest in deflecting from his own troubles. “And please don’t worry about formalities right now. Serilda is fine.”

It seemed Shen could sense her desire to learn what had happened, as only a moment later he admitted that she had likely been wondering as to his whereabouts all this time. Shen forewarned her that it was a rather lengthy tale, but that did nothing to deter her. “Then you shall have my full attention.” Turning toward her desk at the back of the room, she used her magic to depress the button of the intercom that sat upon the sleek wooden surface. “Valorie?”

“Yes, my lady?”

“An urgent matter has come up. Please have my appointments for today rescheduled, and do not forward any calls or allow any visitors to my office unless it’s an emergency.”

“Understood, ma’am. I’ll make sure it’s all handled.”

“Thank you.” The link was severed with a gentle click and the field marshal once again returned her focus to Sergeant Kadokawa. “Please take your time, Shen. The rest of my day is yours.”

It took a moment for Shen to gather himself, and Serilda made no effort to hurry him along, more than content to be patient and let him take his time. When he did finally speak, he cut right to the chase, informing her that the members of his squad had all perished. Serilda’s expression did not change to show any emotion one way or another, more focused on letting him get the events off his chest. He expressed that he didn’t know if they had found the bodies of his companions or not, considering they were behind enemy lines, but he reckoned it was on him to let the families know what happened.

He apologized for supposedly fucking up, which of course Serilda did not agree with but for the moment she said nothing, not wanting to interrupt him as he explained how they had been patrolling the mountain passes along the border when a snow storm had left them stranded. Not wanting to risk unknown, hostile lands in severe weather, they had elected to try and return to Bellum but had only gotten lost and wound up further inside Pergrande. The storm continued to get worse and eventually they ran into members of the Pergrande militia that he suspected was a recon squad. The enemy team had ambushed them, and with zero warning they found themselves under heavy fire.

It was here that Shen finally lost his gumption and emotional stamina, finding himself struck by what Serilda could only assume was a flash of post traumatic stress disorder as tears began to stream down his emotionless face. The dam broke and the young man swore, releasing himself -- if unwillingly -- to the anguish and sorrow that he had been fighting for months as he lamented his inability to protect his team. Serilda’s heart broke for him in that moment, her chest twisting in physical sorrow at what he had witnessed and endured.

She sat there for a moment, struggling between her position as his boss and the professionalism that was expected of her authority, and the personal connection she felt she had build with him during the time that she had directly invested in his career and training. While Serilda had always done her best not to show favoritism to any Knights over others, she couldn’t deny that being a part of Shen’s growth as a soldier and being personally involved in much of the instruction of his magic had caused her to form a more familiar relationship with the young man, making it difficult for her to decide what was an appropriate response.

Ultimately it was her humanity, rather than her status, that won over. She reached out a hand and set it very gently on his back, giving him ample opportunity to pull away or provide some sort of indication should he not wish to be touched, in which case she would of course withdraw her hand. “As difficult as it may be to hear, this was not your fault, Shen,” she told him softly. “As soldiers, we are all subjected to the very real possibility of losing our lives in war, though of course we always hope that will never prove to be the case. The moment that the Council ordered for me to mobilize the Knights to the border, I knew that not everyone would make it back.. And each one loss is something that I’ve had to deal with -- that we’ve all had to deal with -- ever since. War is a senseless and ugly truth, and it can be difficult to navigate the fall out. I know how you feel.”

As the one who had issued the deployment orders, Serilda had spent the last several months feeling just as much a sense of responsibility for the lives lost in the skirmishes. The protection of the men and women under her care had always been her utmost priority, and unfortunately the very nature of the job they performed meant that it was impossible to completely shield them from harm. She had been preparing for losses like this since the day she had agreed to take over as the Field Marshal, but that hadn’t made it any easier to live with the reality once it came upon her. Mythal was experiencing much the same. They both had been directly involved in the fighting as well, and their adoptive daughter Grappa had been grievously wounded before their very eyes. Hell, Serilda had only just found out about her pregnancy not long before the skirmishes had broken out, and she’d had to knowingly go into battle carrying the daughters in her womb that she had spent most of her adult life believing she would never physically be capable of bearing.

But she couldn’t tell Shen how to feel, and she knew it would take more than words to help him recover from something like this. It would take time and patience.. Assuming he was ever fully able to recover at all. “I wish there was something I could say that would bring you comfort. I know what it feels like to have to watch someone you care about die, to bear that suffocating weight of knowing there was nothing you could do to stop it. That sort of pain, it… it can live with you for a very long time. It took me years to find the strength to grow past it, and for a while it was so bad that I dissociated completely at times. There are large chunks of time from a number of years ago that I simply don’t remember because I was incapable of coping with it…” Serilda’s gentle voice was very quiet as she touched briefly upon some of her own previous traumas without going into too much detail. After all, she wasn’t looking to give him a sob story or make the situation about herself. Rather, she was hoping to help establish a connection with him, something that would help him understand that he was not alone and that she truly did understand the nature of the grief that was plaguing him.

“I am not going to sit here and solicit advice to you that you haven’t asked for. We all handle things like this differently, and even though I understand how you feel I would never presume to understand how it is affecting you. But if you ever want or need to talk about it with someone who has been down a similar road, please know that my door will always be open.”

She paused there for a long moment, giving him time to feel his emotions and let it all out. After a couple minutes had passed with her simply being a silent presence beside him, Serilda spoke again. “We did find their bodies. Once Mythal and I got back to our temporary headquarters in Bellum and the reports started coming in, I realized that we had no word of you or your squad. Mythal immediately sent out the Reaper Squadron to try and track you down.” Shen would know that Reaper Squad was a unit of Spec Ops soldiers that Mythal personally oversaw, a group of recon agents within the Knights that was so elite that their identities were not known to most of their fellow soldiers. “They managed to locate the place where you had come under attack, though by then the Pergrande team had long since moved on. The only one that was unaccounted for was you…”

Her voice trailed off briefly as Serilda allowed herself an uncharacteristic moment to let her own emotions rise to the forefront. Before she knew it, her own eyes were filling with moisture, soft tears rolling down her cheeks as evidence of just how much Shen’s disappearance had been plaguing her. “I’ve wanted nothing more than to go out and look for you myself, but I couldn’t step away in the midst of the fallout. The most I could do was commit every spare resource I had in trying to track you down, and it was infuriating to sit here and have to wait for news. I am so sorry that I couldn’t be out there myself turning over every stone trying to locate you, and I hope you can forgive me for that. But after all these months, I was convinced that the only thing we would find was another body…”

She turned to look at him, her face wet with moisture despite the otherwise calm countenance that she carried. “I cannot tell you how relieved I am that you are still here with us, and that you managed to make your way back. Even if you are broken and bruise, and even if there is a long road ahead with all of us grasping to cope with what happened… I have no words to express how glad I am to learn that someone I thought I lost managed to make it out alive. We have lost far too many of our comrades already… and as much as I try to be attentive to the needs of every Knight, I would be lying if I didn’t say that your disappearance has been the hardest for me to deal with.”

It was difficult to be in this position. Certainly not as difficult as the position that Shen was in, but that didn’t make her own part in this conversation any easier. Serilda wanted nothing more than to be able to have the right words to ease his heart and his pain, but it was a childish notion, an idealistic fantasy that existed only in a world where sorrow and grief and guilt could be cured with little more than a verbal bandaid. The things that Shen had experienced would haunt him for a very long time to come, potentially for the rest of his life. With the right help and resources it could certainly become manageable to the point where it wouldn’t hinder him on a daily basis, but as with all traumatic encounters there would almost certainly be times down the road where the memories would come back like a cancer to feed on his mind and heart when his guard was down, forcing him to relive the pain anew.

Yet, she tried her best to bring him any measure of peace that she could, however small, actively being conscientious of the way she presented her response so as not to brush off his pain or make him feel unheard. And in the end it seemed that something in her words resonated and stuck with him as he reassured her that her advice to him was not just what he needed, but what he wanted. He told her that he’d believed she could help him, even if it was just to guide him in the right direction. The marshal gave him a small smile, her hand lingering on his shoulder for a moment longer before she withdrew the limb back to herself and told him as gently as she could that they had found what remained of the rest of his squad. A small and bitter sweet comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

What was surprising to perhaps the both of them was where the topic went from there as Serilda found herself overcome by emotions of her own, opening up about how anxious she had been over his disappearance and the relief she felt at knowing he was still alive and relatively in one piece. She told him that his disappearance had been the hardest for her, and Serilda meant every word, even if it wasn’t the most professional thing for her to say. Shen, in turn, took it upon himself to comfort her much the same way that she had done for him, placing a hand upon her shoulder and listening in attentive silence.

When she finished getting her own anxieties off her chest, he assured her that he did not hold any blame on her for not being able to find him. She did everything she could with the resources at her disposal, and he understood that. And like that, the tension in the air seemed to settle a bit as Shen gave the barest of smiles, as he reflected on what the last several months had been like for them both. He thanked her for her help and expressed that he was glad to have finally returned home.

A brief silence filled the air then as Serilda sensed that the young man was deep in thought, formulating words around his emotions and recent experiences before he finally spoke up once more. He claimed he had been stranded in Pergrande for some time, unable to use his magic for fear that he would be caught. During his time there he had really come to be intimately aware of just how aggressively the Pergrandian people despise mages and magic, describing it as a hatred so intense that it frightened him. But more than that, he got the feeling that the nation’s people were preparing for something – specifically a war, and not just some petty squabble with their enemies in Bellum. Something that would affect the entirety of Ishgar.

The sentiment was troubling. Serilda frowned in concern as she thought over his words. “Did you happen to hear anything concrete?” she asked him, her tone not that of a skeptic but rather of a woman that knew she could only work on validating his concerns one way or another with some semi-solid intel to go off of.

No matter what details he could or could not provide, Serilda would lean forward – or as much as she could given the current expanse of her abdomen – and rested her elbows on her knees, rubbing her temples as though she were developing a headache. “Just what I need. An international war on top of the national one I’m already dealing with.” Words that perhaps she should not have spoken in front of Shen, given how tight lipped Mythal and she had been with one another regarding their growing suspicions of the Magic Council, yet even she had her limits. She trusted Shen or else she would not have said anything at all, but there was a reason why Serilda and Mythal both had made sure their offices and home had been enchanted to hell and back to prevent anyone from spying or listening in on their conversations as of late.

With a sigh, she straightened herself back up and looked over at him. Despite everything, her countenance softed and she gave him a small smile. “Well, let’s have a healer look over you just to make sure you’re all set. And then we’ll do what we can to start settling you back in… And maybe get you something stronger to drink.”

Several months later, the world was very quickly descending into the very chaos that Shen had predicted. The attempted peace talks had been an absolute disaster of catastrophic proportions, leaving the nation of Joya all but completely destroyed. Serilda’s sleep had been restless as of late, the marshal plagued with anger and suspicion and guilt over the fact that neither she nor Mythal had been present for the affair, though no fault of their own. It was curious to them both that they had been almost completely written out of the plans for protecting the representatives from Bellum and Pergrande. While she didn’t know for sure that either of them could have prevented what had taken place, the fact of the matter remained that it was a possibility, and it was that very fact that had her all the more wary of those who had organized the protective details without seeking her input. And now, not only was the vast majority of the Joyan population dead, but so too was Pendleton; the one member of the Council that Seri and Mythal actually liked and trusted.

To say that things were complicated and tedious as of late was an understatement, but there was little they could do except move forward and do their best to make sure they were not so easily cut out of future events. Thankfully, it wasn’t all bad. Serilda had given birth during the span of time between Shen’s return and present day, the noblewoman now a beaming and proud mother to two healthy daughters, Alexia and Naomi. It was an adjustment for everyone having newborns in the home, not just for Seri and Mythal but also for Grappa and Jellisha, the two older adopted twins that were also adjusting to not being the only children in the house anymore. Still, it was a dream come true to have a full home, even if things were so chaotic lately that she and Mythal had to keep indefinitely putting off the wedding to focus on more pressing matters.

Today, Serilda had the day off and she was spending it doing some leisurely errands in Era. The town was bustling as much as ever, though there was a dark cloud that seemed to linger in the air. The general public in Fiore over all had been a bit aggressive since not just the border skirmishes, but also the events of Joya. It was understandable, considering how much of a mixed pot the nation was with immigrants from various countries around the continent that each viewed the conflict differently from one another. Enough disputes had risen in the recent weeks that Serilda had made the reluctant decision to increase the number of Rune Knights that patrolled in the major cities, if only slightly, just to make sure there would be plenty of hands available should the unfortunate need arise.

It was while she was out and about that Serilda recalled that Shen was on duty that day. Given how hectic everything had been for her with all the meetings and discussions involving the impending war, it had been longer than she’d have liked since the last time she had checked in on him. With that in mind, she stopped to get a cup of coffee as well as something for him based on what she knew of his preferences and headed toward the area that she recalled his route being for that day. When she finally found him, Serilda approached with a smile. “Good morning, Sergeant Kadokawa,” the marshal greeted him, offering the cup. “I was in the area and thought I’d swing by to say hello. It’s not much, but I thought I’d bring you a small pick-me-up as well. Everything has been quiet so far today, I hope?”