Fine China

Percy just watched him in amused silence for a long moment, knowing full well he was psyching himself up for something he fully expected to be difficult. Percy would know all about that, wouldn't he? It was just weird to see his own past behaviors so blatantly in his normally so confident lover's attitude. Soon enough, it was a little more than he could handle. "pfffft.." he stifled a laugh, grabbing his hand and leading him out into the middle of the gathering young people. The middle was always the best place for someone who didn't want a lot of attention. Being on the edges somehow put more of a target on your movements, though you'd think it'd be the opposite.

Once in the center, he turned to face Leon. His other hand slipped into Leon's free one so that they stood there with their hands clasped between them. "Stop worrying. You don't even have to move your feet if you don't want to," he said, trying to leech some of the anxiety out of those broad shoulders. He knew there was nothing he could do about that expression until Leon realized it wasn't going to be as bad as he thought, though Percy certainly didn't mind that intense glare and scowl. He'd always favored that aggressive face of his. It still made his heart skip a beat. Nearly all of his expressions were perfect. All except the ones he saw in the middle of the night, the one he'd seen that day--

"Now just sway with me, okay?" he said, brimming with perkiness and tugging the hands between them side-to-side in an attempt to move his body. Percy's body shifted easily to and fro with the beat. "See? This is basically all there is to it," he said as softly as he could over the music, taking a step closer to the inky-haired man. It was cute to see him so off his game like this. It was like a role reversal. His mismatched gaze aimed up into his face as if to memorize it. Had he ever looked at Leon so intently and contentedly? His eyes were soft and his mouth held the ghost of a smile. He craved these innocent moments, these shining blissful moments. It was like he was trying to make up for a lifetime of missed moments like these, or maybe his mind was unknowingly collecting happiness to use later when despair tried to swallow him. Percy wouldn't be aware of this, though. Lately, he operated mostly on impulse, as if thinking too deeply was dangerous. Honestly, it was.

Percy didn't seem to notice the pulsing crowd around them, all bobbing, grinding, and otherwise getting lost in the infectious tempo whether they had a partner to push against or not. It might as well be only him and Leon. Without letting go of Leon's hands, Percy did a little spin, bringing Leon's arm up and over his head as he pressed his back into Leon's chest. He wouldn't allow the swaying to stop even as he brought Leon's arms tightly around him from behind. "Well? What do you think? Still want to try the waltz?" he asked as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

[wc: 544 || total: 13143]

Percy chuckled at Leon's words, then a short sigh escaped him and his hands on Leon's arms tightened affectionately. He loved it when Leon kissed his ears. And his neck. And his face. And his mouth... pretty much anywhere, actually. While it was clear that he still wasn't used to receiving affection, he was more than happy to accept it from Leon. Percy knew nothing of love languages, but he knew that his lover was a very touchy man. The closest he really had to having his own love language was buying Leon things, but he wouldn't usually let him, which was annoying but also understandable since Percy didn't like it when people bought him things either. Sometimes he wondered if Leon craved being touched the same way instead. Sometimes it worried him because he knew he wasn't there yet. What if he couldn't provide whatever it was that Leon needed? He thought about that often. There was no book that could teach him the skills he needed for a relationship. He was horrible at flirting and had only recently become more comfortable with slipping his hand into Leon's sometimes. As much as he adored those wolfish gazes, they made him so self-conscious of every move he made that he felt like he couldn't move at all. If only he could frame giving affection back as confidently as he could dancing. It was going to take a lot of communication and work on his part...and practice. It was just getting up the nerve to do it, even if he could fail.

"Well, that's fine. You seem to be doing great with this, so we can stay right here," Percy grinned, keeping them both in time to the beat with their swaying, minimizing the movement of their feet so Leon wouldn't have to worry. "Thank you for this. I know it's not your thing but it's... really nice." This was all he wanted. Just mindlessly moving to background music with Leon's arms wrapped around him. The warmth at his back was soothing and enticing. As he leaned his head back against Leon and sighed happily, his eyes angled up beyond the strung lights and up into the clear night sky. He couldn't help but feel content. His mind was free to wander, lost in the moment and imagining turning around to kiss Leon in a flash of blissful passion. It'd be nice if he could do that, but he still didn't have the nerve. Perhaps dance was more seductive than he thought, because as he closed his eyes to continue daydreaming, he could only think of things he wished he could do to the sinfully attractive man. Maybe they should cut this short and head back to Leon's house? His body had started to warm up all over.

But just like that, his blood ran cold. There was a muffled, distant thud, like that of gunpowder. With his mind completely disarmed and his eyes closed, the sound ripped through him like the explosive cannonballs of war. His swaying stopped abruptly and he flinched. His eyes flew open just as the firework exploded into brilliant twinkling colors in the sky and he flinched again. It might as well been a bomb or the slinging of destructive magics against enemies. After that he just stood there, his muscles tensed. He could swear he could feel winter wind in his face, hear the distant sounds of orders being shouted and painful screams, but thankfully his mind rearmed itself and reminded him that it was fireworks. They were at a spring festival and it was just the fireworks they'd advertised for the end. What had he been thinking? As the crowd, some dancing and some pausing to watch, ooh'd and aah'd over the magnificent display of blossom-shaped explosives and vibrant hues, Percy could only stare in stony silence. He didn't flinch anymore, but he desperately wanted to run. The poor young man's heart was racing like a frightened rabbit, but he managed to keep nearly all of that off his face. At least he was angled away from Leon.

"How pretty," he said in a strained voice, taking a step away from Leon. He pulled his phone from his pocket, pretending he'd gotten some sort of message he hadn't expected. "Ah, crap. I forgot I have an early meeting. I've got to get going," he lied, offering an apologetic smile to the man over his shoulder. "It's kinda important, but I haven't prepared at all. I'm sorry! You stay and enjoy the rest of the show," he said, then turned and walked out of the crowd. His map was already on his screen leading him back to his car, which he was nearly jogging to with his keys already in his hand.

[wc: 797 || total: 15384]

The last three weeks had been wrought with discomfort. As much as Percy still maintained that almost frenetic energy and perky outlook, the serene waters of his mind had started to ripple since the night of the fireworks. Being unable to keep much food down devolved into having to sneak and give his body nutrients intravenously, but that was just to keep him alive. His body seemed to be shedding pounds by the day. Every morning he woke up and checked himself, and before long he knew that Leon would notice. He started pulling away before the hint of his ribs started to show where there were once the bountiful curves of lean, toned muscle. His body was so used to Leon's touch that he craved it just as much as the food he ate and rejected, and rejecting Leon was even more unpleasant. Having to press his palm to his chest to keep him at a distance, dodge his outstretched arms, and otherwise lie and make up things to make him too busy were wearing on him. Lying to Leon had been so hard, making up a story about a two-week business trip when he really just hung with Cat around the house felt disgusting, especially knowing how Leon needed him on those bad nights. It wasn't the same on the phone, though he did his best to comfort and convey affection through the speakers. He told himself that it was for the best. Leon was already trudging through the darkness and seemed to be approaching dawn. Throwing him back into darkness with worries about his skinny boyfriend seemed crueler than keeping him at an arm's length.

Percy had started to drown, though. Left alone with his own thoughts turned the ripples into waves. They crashed against the cliffs of his mind, slowly eroding away the delusions his mind had set up to protect him. He'd wake up soaked in a cold sweat and pawing at his own hands that he swore were stained red. Cat knocking off items on bookshelves made him flinch as if it were gunshots. Taking walks around town would get his mind off of things, as would talking to Leon, but it was so temporary. Problem after problem was mounting up, but there were no solutions in sight. No matter how many hours of the day he thought about it and tried to reason it out, he just went in circles. The deadline was basically up on his project, but every time he went to work on it, he could only stare at it or his hands would shake so bad he couldn't solder a single thing. He needed to solve his eating problem and put on weight before Leon could worry, but nothing would stay down. The nights were long and his mind was starting to return to Bellum when it wandered, but he couldn't address that trauma so he ignored it. Most pressing of all the problems, he had a party coming up that he thought he'd really wanted two months ago, but now his nerves were on edge but it was too late to cancel.

Two weeks slid by at a frozen snail's pace, and then Dagger staff were arriving to set up catered food, the open bar, and the sound system for music. Some things were rearranged to optimize seating and places of interest for the crowd. His cousin arrived early just to torment him, going on and on about how late Percy was to proper socialite behavior and how small and modest his home was compared to the rest of the family. Some backhanded compliments about how he cleaned up nice for a nerd and how he might have a shot with Lila, the pretty girl that Percy's mom had drunkenly mentioned a few times as who she wished Percy would marry. The girl that his cousin fancied, which was so obvious that someone as dense as Percy caught onto it. He wished he could tell him to just go after Lila because he had no interest in her, but... that was yet another problem he hadn't considered before now. Leon was coming to this party. Leon, his lover, would be in the same building as every young family connection he had was rooting for him and Lila. Because Percy was still very much in the closet and Leon was still very much a secret.

Speaking of, Lila was next to arrive with proverbial bells on. Percy's denseness and her subtleties combined into the two-toned Dagger completely missing that the beautiful brunette with the emerald eyes had a thing for him. Lila's two brothers were with her, both of whom Percy wasn't fond of. While they were the athletic type like him, they were the bullying kind that had always picked on him for being the more introverted bookish type, making them perfect friends for his cousin. Some of Artemis's friends that he'd met at various parties arrived with their flavor of the week hanging off their arms, ogling Percy's home as if they had finally gained entrance to the King's castle. Dagger Corp employees also filtered in, curious about their elusive boss' house. Sprinkle in the kids of other affluent families that the Daggers knew from business deals and galas, and his house was full of rich snobs raising the rabble levels of his normally quiet home to the point that his head was swimming and it had only just started.

His only option to survive the party was to act as chill as he'd been a month ago...and drink. Drinking on a very empty stomach was a bad idea, he knew, but what choice did he have? Two shot Percy hit like four shot Percy, so he was quickly feeling limbered up. He schmoosed through the crowd, still feeling like an outsider but playing the part of the man he thought throwing a party would make him. He rustled up crap he remembered about people and asked questions as if he was interested. "How's your grandmother?" "Are you still seeing Amy?" "I thought you were a vodka man!" "Put that down, that's expensive!" "Good work on that plant-based dermal glue!" "Are you still going on about how I beat you in that race?" "Oh, this is my cat, Cat." "Where'd you get that sweater?" "Sure I can teach you to play pool."

By the time he spotted Leon bumping through the crowd, Percy's glassy eyes widened in alarm even though his heart fluttered excitedly. Even more alarming, Percy had been chatting closely with Lila, an easy grin on his face as he leaned but backside against the pool table beside where she was bent over and trying to aim a cueball. Clutched in his hand was a tumbler of honeyed booze, already nearly empty and his fifth. Unlike the last time Leon had been with him, he'd abandoned the more comfortable, sporty look and was back to his business casual attire consisting of a white dress-shirt tucked into khaki slacks. He was actually wearing the navy sport coat that went with it, though this was more of a conscious decision than another sudden shift in interests. He knew there was no getting out of seeing Leon today and that he'd already been put it off as long as he could pull off. He had to find ways to hide the changes to his body. Slap more duct tape on the leak. The coat would make his shoulders look just as wide and strong as they usually did, and his stylist told him that wearing lighter colors would make his frame appear fuller. Percy needed that right now. Things were starting to fray at the edges of the rope he was rapidly running out of, but he had no more plans for what happened when he reached out and nothing was there to grasp.

Percy drained the rest of his glass and snagged a new one off of a carried tray. "Eyyyy! Leon!! C'mere!" he called with a broad grin, having to be louder than the frat party noise. He couldn't hide the discomfort in his eyes any more than he could mask the drunken slur in his voice. There were just so many people and he was trying to pretend it was okay. It had to be okay. Maybe now that Leon was here, it'd be okay. If he could keep the gay away. "Haa... why d'ya look so surprised? Forget I invited ya to this?" he asked, wobbly stepping around the curious girl now peeking over his shoulder. His drink was held like a crux, fully intended to keep Leon from being able to grab him without spilling it.

[wc: 1453 || total: 17760]

"Outside?" Percy echoed dumbly, processing it like his brain was filled with thick syrup while Lila, already starting to puff her cheeks out in pouty indignation, reached out to touch Percy's arm. "But you were just about to show me that geometry physics thingy to hit the stripe behind the 8 ball," she protested, but as her hand touched the fabric of his coat, Percy flinched and stepped forward out of range. At least it seemed to be equal opportunity no-touch-Percy time. He didn't seem to want anyone to touch him, not just Leon. "I'll be right back, Lila. Don't worry. Maybe ya can talk to Gabriel over there?" he smiled, pointing to the obnoxious man flanked by Lila's scowling brothers.

Right. Of course, Leon wanted to talk to him alone. But...Percy really didn't want to. He knew it would be what he'd been avoiding, right? They hadn't seen each other in a couple weeks, it was natural that he'd want a moment of privacy, but he'd have to avoid getting too close again and he knew that wouldn't fly. But he also couldn't really stay in here and speak with him, since anything beyond Leon being his assistant was a very big secret. Why couldn't Leon just enjoy the party and save all this for later? As the two-toned man stumbled his way over to the taller, dark-haired man and then even passed him to head toward his own front door, he tried to seem as if he was the pinnacle of laid-back. The party seemed to be a success, even if Percy wanted to scream. Maybe a moment outside would be nice.

"Y'know, I just wanted ya to come over so I could show ya some pool moves. I said I would one day and Lila doesn't bite," he continued to speak, trying to seem soberer than he was. Normally, Percy was someone who could suck down an ungodly amount of drinks and seem fine until it hit him all at once. It just dulled his nervous edges until he blacked out somewhere safe later. His tolerance was quite high, as well. He'd hustled many drinking contests this way. But with his weakened, starved body and empty stomach, the poor young man was absolutely hammered already. Definitely more drunk than Leon had ever seen him. His cheeks were already flushed from intoxication, which he thought would make dealing with all of this easier. Maybe it'd been a mistake.

Things were swimming, but at least his hands weren't dripping red and he couldn't feel the nip of winter's wind on his neck when there wasn't even a breeze. The music and voices were loud, but they weren't explosions and gunshots. All of his anxiety was currently stemming directly from trying to keep Leon from noticing his weight loss, his twisting stomach, and his home being filled to the brim with people he barely knew or outright didn't like making all kinds of noise that wouldn't stop. It was hard to move in there. Hard to breathe. You always had to know what to say and have some sort of shallow banter ready, which he wasn't good at. You couldn't take a step without brushing into someone else...they were all so loud to be saying such meaningless, empty things and none of them were there for him because they liked him (besides Lila).

Once outside, he walked over to the side of his house without so many windows and pressed his back against the wall. It was loud even out here, but at least it was muffled and distant. He heaved a heavy sigh, taking a sip from his glass before returning it to its shield-like position. Even in the cool spring air, he was burning up. He wanted to take off the blazer, but the whole purpose of wearing it was with him right now. "So, Leeeoon," he drawled, mouth pulling to a crooked grin. It looked like he might start giggling at any second. "Whatcha wanna talk 'bout? We're missin' the fun. I worked really hard t' throw this thing."

[wc: 682 || total: 18735]

That certainly made sense, but it was absolutely what he'd been avoiding. The lopsided smile turned to a more uncomfortable one. It was strained. Percy was never very good at hiding his expressions unless he went completely stoic, which was beyond his capabilities right now. And as bad as it felt to again reject Leon's physical affection, he was more panicked about what the man would feel if he let this hug happen. "I missed you, too," he said, and though he meant it, there was an edge in it. As before, he dropped his eyes and put a hand against Leon's chest to stop him from getting too close, his drink remaining between them. To take it a step further, he staggered away from the wall he'd been leaning against and out of range of the embrace, yet he offered no explanation for the action. There was nothing that he wanted more than to be held right now, but it was better for Leon if they didn't.

He stood there awkwardly by a random bush and without a good sense of balance in the absence of something to lean on. "It was a long two weeks without you. I'm happy t' see you," he quickly added as if he hadn't just ducked his boyfriend's hug. Percy knew this wouldn't work even as he did it. His dumb brain couldn't think of a single useful thing anymore. There weren't any fixes. What was wrong with him? It was all self-destructing! Leon was gonna get mad no matter what he did right now, and the stress had the glass he was white-knuckling trembling. If he avoided it and simply went inside, if he stood here and tried to distract him with verbal affection, even if he came clean... All he could see was upsetting Leon...which was what he was trying to avoid...ugh his head was spinning...

[wc: 315 || total: 19227]

Here it came. Even with knowing it was coming, he still flinched. "No! No, no...that's not..." he started, a hiccup interrupting his explanation for a moment before he could continue. His mind was racing faster than his mouth could keep up with, but he had to try and set Leon straight! He had the wrong idea. "Remember...I planned this way b'fore all that. Valem...Valentine's day? It jus' happened this way on accident." Percy was never a particularly eloquent man with any sense of social charm, but it was evident that the alcohol was making it ten times worse. It was like he could think what he wanted to say, but it was coming out slow and confusing. Even as he slurred, his brow puckered in frustration. Was he making any sense? This was really important. "I'm not scared you're gonna do somethin' like before anymore. I jus...ah...I..." He what? The only explanation was the truth, which was the whole point of his argument. He didn't want to tell the truth. What was a lie that was less bad than the truth?

While he struggled to come up with a lie that wouldn't cost him the most important person in his life, one he already felt like he was losing along with everything else that was suddenly crumbling away, Leon closed in on him before he could notice and try to dodge. Leon was moving his considerably lighter frame back against the wall he'd escaped. He was pinned. Dropping his glass, both hands rose to press Leon's chest. It'd been intended as a shove, yet he didn't possess the strength to do such a simple thing, something an expert martial artist should be able to do. Would he notice the narrowness of his neck and the more pronounced collarbone, or would the coat pad it? Would he see that the boyish roundness in his cheeks was gone, or that his jawline was sharper? The fear on his face only intensified. Too close, it was going off like alarms in his head. "It's not like that, Leon! How could you- No second thoughts! You mean a lot- It's not your face or hair-" his panicked words popped out of his mouth faster than he could properly control. His voice trembled and cracked.

"P-Please," he begged, lowering his head and twisting his hands into the shirt of the man he both wanted far away from him and so close that there was no difference between them. "I just...can't let you t-touch me," he muttered, unable to think of anything useful. Drunk Percy was always more honest, Leon had said that once. He was too drunk and too upset to lie.

If Leon had been wanting something to be wrong with his boyfriend, he was getting his wish. Percy's delusional world, the one where he was the strong one that could hold Leon up, the one where he'd come out of the war with just one flesh wound and a new perspective on life, was shattering. His mind couldn't create new behaviors fast enough to keep the cold reality away anymore. It couldn't make the nausea go away. His body was weakened and vulnerable and couldn't keep it up. "...Something's wrong with me... not you.. can you be p-patient?" Percy asked, his voice huffing out between panting breaths.

[wc: 554 || total: 20097]

As Percy was forced to look up at his lover, his expression was one of utter misery. It was happening. Unavoidable. Part of him was relieved that he didn't have to hide it anymore, but then why did it seem like there wasn't enough air? If his heart beat any faster, he was sure it'd burst from his chest. Nodding to Leon's question, one of his hands unclenched from Leon's shirt to press against his stomach. "I d-didn' want you t' see," he stammered, both the stutter and his revelations unable to stop now that he'd started. The dam was breaking loose. As he stared up into Leon's bewildered face, he could feel his good eye starting to prickle and fill with moisture. His other hand left Leon's shirt as well so he could shrug out of the sport coat, thinking maybe cooling himself off would help him get some air. As it fell to the ground, his smaller frame was revealed more properly. He irritably tugged at the collar of his shirt.

"I'm s-sorry, I didn' wanna...worry you," Percy admitted, pressing all of his lighter weight back against his house while his cheeks sat heavily in Leon's hands. He couldn't tell if the pounding he heard so loudly was his own heart or the beat coming from within the house. "Ev'rything was f-fine. I just can't k-keep anything down since we came back," the two-toned man said, feeling the alcohol twisting in his stomach even now. Who knew how long that'd stay down, especially now that he was upset and well on his way to a panic attack. Percy had to press his lips together, using the last of his willpower to keep the dam holding his words back in one piece. Was Leon right about being able to talk to him about this? It was cracking, just about to break. Percy was about to break. All his new behaviors and valiant attempts to fix all his flaws and quirks and avoid anything that reminded him of himself were melting away. His mind's protective delusions were being destroyed, one by one. Could Leon handle it if all the stuff he had repressed these past few months came rushing out?

[wc: 370 || total: 20823]

"I-I don't know!" the pinned man lamented, cringing at the expression on his lover's face as well as the tension in the way he held his body. "I hadn' thought that far ahead or figured it out yet. I thought m-maybe it'd eventually sort itself out..." he tried to explain, words slowly filtering through his inebriated brain. Clearly, he knew by now it wasn't sorting itself out, hence his panic. This wasn't the first time he'd been called a dumbass, far from it, but it stung coming from Leon's mouth. It wasn't wrong, though. Actually, part of him thought he might feel better if Leon just unleashed all of it on him. He deserved to be screamed at, yet mismatched eyes filled with guilt and as his good eye started to cry. Percy looked down at the ground in defeat. Leon was right. Everything he said was right. He thought he'd been making the right choice by keeping it from Leon, but found he hadn't been a very good boyfriend for just that reason. There was a lot to learn about relationships. "I didn' know I was being weird at the time... and you were leaning on me. I had to be leanable... y'know? I was... okay. I thought I was okay."

After a few moments of sniffling, he reached a shaky hand to smear away the moisture before Leon took it firmly into his own. "I-I'm not okay," he said with a pronounced tremble. Now that he could admit it, the delusions were starting to clear, and the fine china he claimed not to be was chipping and cracking at a rapid pace. The trauma had been buried and ignored as long as it could be and had festered into a monster he couldn't contain. As Leon suggested, it was time to end the party. He very much wanted these strangers out of his home. Now. He didn't know how much longer he could hold it together. He stood there holding Leon's hand for a long moment. He worked to compose himself as much as he could back into the man the party-goers expected to see, but his labored breathing didn't seem to improve. He wobbled a little back and forth just standing there, but he knew it was as good as it was going to get. Time was of the essence.

Pulling one hand from his lover's, he tugged Leon back toward the front door of his home. Whether he'd admit it or not, he needed his boyfriend's support. Just before he opened the door, he wriggled his other hand out of Leon's and then walked inside.

Mustering as much of a smile as he could, which was hardly one at all, the slim man paled at the sheer number of people milling around. He cleared his throat, using all the strength he had to push his voice over the crowd. "A-Attention!" he shouted, having to do so about three times to finally get someone to turn the music down. Everyone turned to him. Crossing his arms defensively, he leaned one shoulder against the wall near the opening to the kitchen. "I'm s-sorry to cut it short, but something urgent has come up! I'll be ending the party early. Uh... th-thanks for coming and good n-night," he awkwardly announced, his voice growing quieter the longer he went on. The varying expressions on the faces seemed to bother him, but he tried very hard to seem firm and nonchalant. He failed, but he tried. Lila's eyes widened, then narrowed suspiciously, but she didn't say anything. She threw her cup away and headed for the door. "Thanks for a nice time," she smiled, then motioned for her brothers.

The rest of the patrons varied between cool indifference as they made plans to go party at the local establishments, indignation that the host was throwing them out, or politely bewildered like Lila. Lila's brothers were the instigators for the more bratty crowd, since one of them 'accidentally' dropped his glass, causing it to shatter on the wooden floor. Poor Percy jolted at the loud noise, his arms lowering and his fists balling hard enough to cut crescents into his palms. There was the winter wind on his neck, his helmet's alarm, the sound of Leon screaming, the popping and cracking of bone... The other brother shoved his half-full glass of booze into Percy as he left, forcing him to clumsily grab it at the expense of spilling the amber liquid on his shirt. His own cousin did the same as he passed, snorting out some sort of insult. A few others of their crowd purposefully dropped their drinks or knocked them over on their way out, but most of the people cleared out quickly without incident.

Percy couldn't wait anymore while the stragglers made their exit. With something of a strangled grunt, he darted around the corner, into the kitchen and out of sight. He rushed to put the glasses away too hastily, dropping one glass onto the tile floor and breaking the other into the sink he then lurched over to gag, though thankfully none of the caustic liquid came up. Grabbing at his chest, Percy sagged to the left, coughing and gasping for air. His breaths came shallow and fast, too fast. He couldn't breathe. He was panicking and hyperventilating. His world swam and shifted between his house and the Bellum mountainside. Holding onto the kitchen counter was the only thing keeping him vaguely grounded and on his feet, but even then he was precariously unsteady.

[wc: 927 || total: 22277]

At first, it was like he couldn't hear Leon at all. His eyes remained fixed in a gaze out into space, looking at nothing that existed in his house or even this moment in time. It was all the things he saw in Bellum. The bloody first floor of the infirmary tent, the macabre symphony of suffering soldiers dragged in half dead and missing pieces. It was the stained rocks of the mountainside, the disturbed snow and screams of soldiers as his firmly placed foot sent them tumbling over the edge, a red and white halo around Leon's freshly severed arm, a slack face and open but unseeing eyes. Leon's screams were the worst. Never had he heard a sound so terrible. How terrible did it have to be to outshine the snapping of bones in a wrenchingly desperate grip? Screaming and cracking and screaming up blood and the sickening sound of flesh between heavy stones...

But Leon wasn't really screaming, was he? No, he was talking. Close by. There was a warm palm rubbing his back. He was telling him to slow down, to breathe deep. The pupils in Percy's eyes gradually returned to a normal size and focused on the tiled kitchen floor sparkling with shards of glass. Sluggishly they, along with his face, rose to peer at Leon through his long bangs. The hand holding his own chest transferred to Leon's as if to confirm that he was real, tactile, and he was. Percy managed a vague nod, but trying to force slower, deeper breaths caused him to choke and cough before gasping in short panicked breaths again.

He needed to get it together. Being vulnerable like this was difficult for someone like Percy. With what little strength he had left, he pushed off the counter and fell into his lover instead. Though his body shook violently and seemed like it would give way any second, he did have a purpose for the movement. Percy, normally not one to initiate touch, was the opposite when he was feeling bad. He pressed his feverish cheek against Leon's chest with his ear right over Leon's heart. It was a reassuring rhythm to reset his breathing pattern. Blood pumping evenly through Leon's living heart was comforting. Ba-dum, inhale. Ba-dum, exhale. Thankfully, within a couple more agonizing minutes and before he could blackout, his breathing had calmed and he'd eased into exhausted sobs. He wanted to go upstairs to the safety of his bedroom, but he couldn't move. "I'm s-sorry, I'm, I'm sorry," he cried, leaning harder. "C-Couldn' get... to you fast enough!"

[wc: 432 || total: 23523]

If he had to sob this way, the best place to do it was in one of Leon's bear hugs. If anything, the warm and comforting words encouraged him and gave him the freedom to release all the pent-up anguish, so the sobs came a little harder once Leon's arms were squeezing him. It was shameful, deep down somewhere he knew it was. His dark-haired boyfriend was kissing his ugly, distraught face like it was nothing. He wanted to bind all this ugliness and pain back up and pack it away, but once the dam broke, it just all came rushing out. Percy coiled his arms around Leon's middle, knotting his hands in the back of his lover's shirt and muffling his pathetic sounds into the only thing grounding him right now. And even in all his vulnerability, Leon just held him and gently swayed them both to an inaudible beat. It was like some sort of sad dance, as if their dancing in River Village had been inverted, but at least the real Percy was present for this with his mind finally unclouded. Even if it meant feeling all of the wreckage of the war fully for the first time. It was okay. It'd be okay, right? Leon was here. He said he always would be, even when he was weak and raw, no matter what.

Leon gave him time to calm back down a little before he pulled away. His sobs were more like sniffles now, though he wondered if the hot tears would ever stop pouring out of his good eye. Meeting his lover's eyes was hard, given how badly he wanted to keep his face hidden, but how could he resist? Those honeyed hues pierced him and always drew him in, even in the worst of times. No one looked at him like Leon did, never had and probably never would again. Only Leon. Percy slowly nodded his face against Leon's hands. "'kay," he whispered hoarsely. Sitting sounded like a good idea, but he didn't move at first. His watery gaze remained locked with Leon's for a moment longer, a little wonder filtering through the pain. It was baffling how he could be so lucky to find someone like him, but he was so grateful, even if he couldn't say so right now. Obviously, Leon's tenderness and patience couldn't magically heal the unseen wounds, but the comfort he provided squeezed his heart and made it feel like he could survive this as long as Leon's arms remained open to him. His arms around his lover squeezed a little, a little touch-starved himself.

After the pause, Percy reluctantly released the dark-haired man except for a hand on an arm to try and steady himself. He moved without really thinking about whether he could. It was just muscle memory to attempt to lead Leon away, and he desperately wanted to escape upstairs as if the security of his bedroom would shut out what he was feeling, but in the end, he really wasn't up for it. Between his tumultuous emotions, still being drunk, and the weakened state of his body, trying to step out of Leon's grip only ended in what Leon probably had been watching for. Percy's body, normally so strong and reliable, simply gave out.

[wc: 549 || total: 24579]

It was almost funny. The last time he'd been carried, which he wasn't a huge fan of, had been when Leon was absolutely hammered and hauled his exhausted body with a freshly broken arm out to the car at the hospital. This time, it was Percy who was plastered, but also still Percy being carried for being exhausted and broken, but in a different way. The only time he'd carried Leon had been in the war to get him help at the base of the mountain, and it was highly likely the dark-haired man had no memory of it. That was probably for the best. He hadn't been able to be as tender as Leon was being with him now. Percy vaguely wondered if their relationship was one-sided. Was he capable of conveying this level of kindness and affection to Leon? Was this what Leon felt when Percy tried to help him out of his meltdowns? He really hoped it was. If so, at least not everything he'd done since they got back from Bellum had been an insane waste of time.

He was thankful that his boyfriend had the foresight to strip him of the drink-stained and sweaty clothes since he couldn't do it himself. He probably didn't smell the best right now, but he didn't care. His feverish body was finally starting to cool down. Perhaps a sober Percy would have covered up better to hide his shamefully thin frame, but Leon had already seen. In fact, he was looking right now. Percy met his eyes, then gazed over the rest of his features. There was that frown again. There was no point in hiding anything anymore. It just sucked because the last thing he wanted to do was upset his lover, hence why he'd had the dumb plan to hide it at all. But at least the man was still here, at his side. If Percy had been alone when his delusions crumbled, what would he have done? Would he even be here now?

The eyes that had grown a bit distant while staring at Leon's frown refocused when the man spoke and pressed his metal hand to his. He listened with his own frown. Even Percy wasn't sure what had been going on in his head the last couple of months. Now that he'd broken out of it, he could see how strange it'd been and must have looked to Leon. So pointless. Nonetheless, telling Percy so sweetly that he was everything to him after all the weirdness clenched his chest in a good way, enough that his cheeks flushed. He wished he could sit up and hug and kiss the man sitting protectively at his side. He was always a lot more affectionate when he was drunk. The nerd comment brought a ghost of a smile, but it was short-lived. Would his intentions change once he found out what Percy had done?

Hopefully, Leon really was ready to take some of the burden off of his shoulders. The fear he recognized in Leon's eyes made him want to stop speaking since what he had to say would likely make it worse, but... he couldn't stop now. The dark-haired man needed to know what Percy was holding back, didn't he? His hand squeezed the metal one clasping his, though he knew Leon couldn't feel it. "Maybe you're right. I don't have any idea how you could feel that way about someone like me... unless it's like how I feel about you. You don't know how much you mean to me because I can never manage to tell you or show you like I want," Percy spoke quietly, his intoxication keeping him honest as usual but at least he'd sobered enough to not slur his words. Though this whole situation was bad, it was possibly the perfect storm for Leon to finally get the truth out of him. "I'm not good at that kinda stuff. I'm trying so hard, but I don't know if it gets through. I'm sorry for that. I need you to know that we're on the same page, okay? I went to war for you to make sure you survived. Even now, I'd do it again and again if it meant you got to keep living in this world, whether we ended up together or not," the peppermint head said in a warm tone, gazing into his lover's eyes with growing intensity. Percy needed him to know that no matter what he said next or even how he acted next week, that he adored Leon and that none of this was Leon's fault.

As sweet as the moment was, there was something darker looming. Percy grew uncomfortable, chewing on his bottom lip for a long moment before he continued, struggling whether he really should or not. "Leon, I would kill for you," the Dagger insisted, face and voice becoming almost as intense as Leon's for a change. He paled at the last words as if hearing them aloud transformed them into a fact he could no longer pretend didn't bother him. He would. He did.

It became clear that he was starting to get upset again just trying to explain. Every time he remembered what he'd done, it was like his lungs shrunk or he forgot how to breathe. He returned to the moment he snapped that claymore-wielding Pergrandian's neck. He'd nearly spiraled, but saving Leon's life pulled him back from the brink before he could fully process. Despite his heart and breathing rates spiking, he continued, struggling to get out the one thing Leon didn't know about concerning the war. The one thing he'd experienced that was different from the native Bellan. "I-...I...killed for you. I k-killed four people...!" Percy sputtered, looking terrified of his own words. "Hng...I killed them. The one who t-took your arm... haa... I s-snapped her n-neck before she could k-kill you, and I don't regret it, but... oh god...and then the others--" Percy broke off into a strangled cry, tears once more squeezing out of his right eye. What would Leon think of him now?

[wc: 1022 || total: 26074]

It was worth it. Even as he sobbed his heart out and felt worse than he had when he caught Leon's boronavirus, he knew that it was absolutely worth it. There was no question that he'd do it again if he had to. Even though he'd desperately hoped and perhaps been a little too optimistic that he could get into and out of a war to keep Leon alive while not killing anyone, he also knew there was a chance. There was that small, sneaking chance in the back of his mind that he'd have to trade a life for the one he treasured most, whether it was his own or the enemy's. It was another one of those things his mind conveniently covered up, but if he hadn't somewhat prepared himself for it, he doubted he would have been able to convince himself to do it so quickly. And even though the action was justified, he was still a killer now. With all his training to kill, Percy wasn't built to do such a thing. He was a fixer, a helper, someone who tried to enhance people's lives. Before this moment, he hadn't been a destroyer or someone who played god with anyone else's life other than his own.

Leon was right, though. It was comforting to hear the words straight from his lover's mouth. The man holding his shattered pieces together so tightly was alive. Breathing. Existing. He could hear Leon's heartbeat as he pressed his ear to the man's broad chest. Percy had heard countless heartbeats, but none were as beautiful and meaningful as this one. Focusing on it quieted his sobs and lulled him into silence, though his arms were so tightly wrapped around Leon that it was as if he thought the man would disappear. He was called strong, but Percy had never felt weaker. He might have been able to keep his word and save Leon, but he couldn't take it on the chin and kill people without breaking down. How did his father and Artemis do it?

Now that he was calmer and even more exhausted, he heaved a heavy sigh and nuzzled his face into the shirt wet with his tears. "Thank you," he whispered, eyes slipping closed even though they still burned. "Please...don't leave," he muttered, feeling his consciousness starting to flicker now. Laying in Leon's tight embrace offered him stability, the kind he'd been lacking the last couple weeks. It was agonizing being apart ever since they'd returned, though he'd appeared to handle it better than Leon. The therapist sending his boyfriend home had been for his own recovery, but... it'd been torture for Percy. Every night alone was torture. Though now his own memories would do the torturing instead, at least he could take solace in laying beside Leon now. "I...need you..."

All the tension went out of Percy's body then and the darkness took him, at least for a little while.


Percy slept off the exhaustion and alcohol for a few hours, almost with the same peacefulness he'd snoozed with ever since they returned. If not for a twitch and a groan here and there to indicate he was dreaming, he was sleeping and recuperating as much strength as he could without any food in him.

However, just as dinner time was stealing the sunlight of the day he slept away, the nightmares started. He couldn't keep track of whose screams were whose. His melded in and out of Leon's as body after body crumpled into the snow. They warped and twisted, slack jaws asking him why he'd taken their lives and robbed their families of them forever. His hands were slicked in Leon's blood as he screamed and their rock tepee was suddenly made of stacked slain soldiers from both sides. Percy's face twitched and pulled into a frown, and all at once, Percy startled wide awake with a sharp inhale. There was a scream bubbling just beneath his gasp, but he stifled it before he could rip free. Jerking into a sitting position, the struggling man pressed the back of his hand against his lips. It was unclear what his eyes were seeing now that he was awake, but either way, he simply stared straight ahead, caked in sweat and breathing hard. He hadn't completely lost himself. His mattress was under him. Sunset rays were coming through his bedroom window. Most importantly, Leon was alive. He turned to find his lover's face. "Leon?" he asked in a tense voice, hoping it was still nearby.

Despite the weary fear hanging over Percy like a shroud, the first thing his body saw fit to do was announce its ravenous but pointless hunger. Before Percy could say or do anything else, his stomach let out a loud rumble, twisting so hungrily that the starving man pressed a palm to it.

[wc: 812 || total: 27457]