Something inside of Izayuki tightened up as the girl continued to speak, as if a thin and strong wire were being tied and tightened around her core and soul, pushing her uneasiness to a brink, yet amid the denial, what was there to feel? How could she feel sad or any form of sorrow or remorse if she refused to allow herself to do so? Emotion were cruel, and the Glacier God Slayer had become an expert at denying and concealing them, manipulating her own feelings as she wished, to avoid being seen as vulnerable. The times she actually reflected on her real emotions were few and far between, and when it happened, it was usually because something had triggered them. When she had almost killed two of her guildmates and fought Elyx, upon coming out of her yokai and madness-driven rage, she had been left in an unhappy mix of feelings from it all that she could not fight. After all, what else was yokai fury other than having not only emotions blocked out, but reason and logic as well? A purely instinctual mind never left anyone in a good state once they came to their senses. Such a time had been a turning point for the young Bakedanuki.
But what about those happy times? When she had discovered that Jin and Kaya were still alive even after their mysterious disappearances? She remembered her happy tears then... or what about when Elyx had confessed his love for her, and she had done the same for him? Not to mention the actual engagement... such times had stirred Izayuki's emotions and had allowed her to truly feel and reflect on them. Few people had ever been able to do it- to make her acknowledge her heart and what was inside. Usually she wore the same mischievous and perky facade, refusing to get close to anyone. She had become the guild master of Black Rose, but how much did she truly know her guildmates? Or rather... how well did they really know their leader? She seemed consistent on the outside, all while using her general demeanor to not only lure them in, but also to push them away...
Why was she only just now realizing? Why had she never noticed it before?
The happy memories she had felt when she was with her village; a group of humans who had taken her in and showed her their kindness. They had taught her about how to fit into the common society that dominated the world, and with them, she had met Kiru, another young human girl who had become her friend. From Naugrem, she had learned some basic skills like hunting, gathering, and fighting. Such joy was soon shattered, however, as Yukionna, the goddess of the cold, had attacked the village, targeting her mentor and best friend. Nobody was spared, but Izayuki had somehow miraculously survived. The beautiful yet evil goddess had adopted the young tanuki, and had granted her amazing power and unique magic. The training she had been forced through, plus tending to Yukionna's personal wants and needs, and her sadistic nature, had scarred the yokai. She had managed to escape, and temporarily find happiness again, only for it to fade away once again thanks to the ice deity. A neverending cycle, and one Izayuki never thought she would manage to remove herself from. Nevertheless, she eventually had become a member of Black Rose... but what was different?
Surely such memories would take their toll. The trauma would leave a young emotional creature like her in a state of constant terror and depression. Each night she would reflect on the memories, and surely after so long, she would have acted on those thoughts as well. Suddenly, it dawned on her; the reason she had been so distant and detached. She still had her memories, but what was missing was the simple impact that they had on her as a person. Such a notion had been the last thing on Izayuki's mind; she knew that it was a fact, and avoided the reason. Somehow the 'impact' and 'trauma' of her memories had been locked away, safely, to keep them from affecting her mind and mental and emotional state in the present. How such a thing had happened was beyond her, as it was not in her power. It had to have been something else, but that was only a vague silhouette in her hazy past.
As her mind followed her back to the present, where her supposed daughter had grabbed her by the throat and was choking the life out of her, Izayuki suddenly began to realize what was the problem. She narrowed her pink eyes in dismay before she used her flurry transformation ability to turn into a mass of miniature snowflakes and ice fragments, only bound together by cold northern winds. Her ice elemental body removed itself from the painful situation of being strangled, like a dryad, almost, and floated several feet away to stand before Astrid, yet turned slightly off to the side. The Glacier God Slayer began to materialize again, however, her body was not like it was before. She was not the mage with pink eyes and ginger hair neatly dyed pink, but took on her original human body. The yokai now had red eyes and natural brown hair, and was slightly taller than her alternate human form. She still retained her tanuki features- the ears, tail, claws, and fangs, that were still stained silver in fur color thanks to the unholy magic coursing through her veins. Nevertheless, she had managed to shapeshift back into the human form she had originally taken that one clear night when she had first discovered what it meant to be human and to have reason, logic, and emotions.
For years, Izayuki had avoided her natural human form at all costs, as it was where the reactions to her memories were locked away. But in order to face her suffering daughter, naturally, she had to face her own past suffering first, no matter how hard it was. How could she not still be detached and in denial, oblivious to the emotions of her child, if she was still unable to come face to face with her real emotions; not the fake ones she had used to build a fortress against her memories, the world, and any further hardships.
It was painful, feeling the onflow of the treacherous feelings from the past. The memories of the torture, the defilement, the grieving, the loss... it was like agony burning through her head and body. Tears began forming in the Bakedanuki's red eyes as she felt it all rush at her without any mercy. Still, there was something within the bitter mix that she had also blocked away... joy and happiness. Real emotions.
As the emotions continued to flow, Izayuki's mind moved further and further back to the present. She heard her daughter's angered outcries, and felt the aura weigh down on the papery white world around them. The wrath disturbed the memory impact, making it even more painful for the Bakedanuki. Nevertheless, she accepted it and moved her dark crimson gaze back towards Astrid, to meet the other tanuki's brown eyes. What was the thing that countered anger? Why, there were many things. Happiness, joy, patience, and peace... and what had the girl said she specifically wanted? She wanted to achieve peace. Hearing the bitter words and despite already feeling her own warm tears streak her face, Izayuki attempted to wipe them away with her sleeve and continue gazing at Astrid. She mustered as much of her self control as she could, and put on a peaceful and placid expression, feeling an overwhelming presence from some caring source as she slowly brought herself to accept the situation... to accept her daughter.
Slowly, Izayuki took a step forward and began to walk back towards the brunette, brown-furred tanuki with calmness on her face and in her strides. Were Astrid to attack her again, the guild master would try to gracefully and gently dodge and avoid any strikes and continue moving towards the girl. Once she reached her, the Bakedanuki would attempt to wrap her arms around her child in a tender and firm hug. Astrid was not wrong. She had been a terrible mother; she had tortured and bled the girl in a dark alley, intent on killing and feasting on her, when Astrid wanted nothing more than to simply save her little brother. On another occasion, Izayuki had managed to possess Astrid, and despite knowing it, had tormented the musician's little brother once again. All of the bloodshed and violence... and finally denying her daughter's existence and words by saying 'it cannot be true'. It was no wonder that she had managed to breed and ignite so much hatred and anger within the young soul.
"I know... I've taken so much from you, and now because of me you have so much anger, and have been alone without anyone to really care for you and love you. I'm so sorry.... but I don't know if you could ever forgive me for that. First I hurt you, and then I deny you. But I'm not doing that now. Not anymore," Izayuki tried to say, attempting to tighten her embrace around her daughter, feeling a force of fierce protectiveness surge through her, likely triggered by instinct.
"But staying angry and killing never brings peace to anyone. It only makes it grow. I have no right to talk, however. If it really will help you achieve peace, you can have my soul and my life. I don't mind... you're my daughter, after all."She paused for a beat, feeling more tears filling her eyes and falling as she continued to hold onto her child tighter, but not enough to hurt her.
"If you do kill me... just... promise me something. Find your father and tell him the truth, and that I said to tell him I love him. Alright, Astrid? Please..." Izayuki pleaded, closing her red eyes and accepting her fate. After all that she had done, her fate could only rest in her daughter's hands, after all. She was not one who was quick to throw her life away, but after realizing the truth of her actions and the monster of anger it had produced, she had to give her child peace somehow. If dying was the answer, she would gladly accept that if it meant her own baby would be happy. Her lips spread to reveal a soft smile as she accepted the idea of the possible fate. Astrid had no reason to show mercy... the choice was entirely up to her as to what would become of her true mother. Heh, Astrid.
"You know, Astrid is a pretty name. Your father would agree. I think if you had been born to us, we would have named you Astrid. It's fitting."The last words were said in a low whisper, as if she had only been speaking to herself, thinking aloud. It was no lie either, nor was it even really meant for the other tanuki's ears. Nevertheless, the words were out there. Who would not be thinking of and picturing the name of their killer during their last moments, after all? Astrid.
Location;; With Astrid.
Muse;; 11/10
Word Count;; 1889. 5,053 // 5,000
OOC;;