Home alone 6 babies first beating.

Spoiler:

The town of magnolia, strange it seemed to lack many of such tree's about, but it didn't seem to matter anyway, the town's namesake wasn't a tree but a guild of fairies. If you asked the ice cream haired woman strutting throughout the town about such a place, she might state that fairies are pansies, but then she stopped to realize that such a statement was an insult to pansies. Not all was lost for the town of fairies, however, as Erika did acknowledge that there were strong or kind people within such a guild, but the name ruined it all in one fell swoop. They should have a better name, heck they should have let Erika named them, she would have probably named them something epic, like thunder muffin, or the fighting Mongooses, yeah the fighting mongooses is an awesome name trademark Erika's whacky mind (and possibly futurama).

As much as Erika wanted to take some toilet paper from a nearby restaurant that she wouldn't pay to eat at and throw it all over the guild hall of fairy tail because it'd be funny and not at all a bad idea, she had a job to do and it involved one of the vilest of creatures, babies. Babies were spawned from the jaws of hell and created nothing but misery for all those around them. Such foul creatures were loved by those who spawned them, and thus must be eliminated. Sadly Erika couldn't make this kid sleep with the fishes, as it was the mother who was providing her with enough jewels for her to finish off buying the robbery kit that she oh so wanted.

So Erika had to endure it, but as she approached the home she didn't dare go inside, not without her faithful sidekick for she knew better than to wander off into hostile baby territory without one, she even brought a red shirt for him to wear because it was stylish, and if he got any blood on it, it'd be easy to wash out. Really though Erika was waiting for him to show up, as frankly the kid would probably be strangled if the sidekick didn't help out at all, and that'd mean a failed job, even if Erika would be mildly pleased with the results... for a short while.

He deserved this. Whatever happened tonight this idiot absolutely deserved it damn it, because he’d let that woman choose a job. Oh sure, the man had been a little busy at the time doing the usual paperwork often shoved onto him thanks to his father’s business. Of course this may have resulted in a certain partner of his – claimed “acquaintance” to that stodgy old codger for the sake of appearances – becoming a little bored and stir crazy. In the haze of boredom – as he didn’t much enjoy the tedious side of things either – he’d offhandedly agreed to maybe perform some simplistic duties for the sake of money and maybe some of life’s little laughs.

Hindsight was a bitch.

Yet here he dutifully stood at the end of the street, spying the very same woman some odd feet and close to the damning address. Why hadn’t these people simply sought a proper sitter? What moron would think it a brilliant idea to place the care of their child in some mage’s hands, not knowing what training they may or very likely may not have had in regards to child care?! Erika might not even gain a chance to do any harm cause he might throttle these idiots and their likely equally stupid offspring…

A large exhalation of breath and straightening the soft, everyday black shirt as well as the sleeves of his favorite blue jacket, and the man felt control return. ’Best to keep one’s emotions under control,’ he reminded as he approached his partner-in-crime, literally and figuratively.

”Let’s get this over with,” he spoke aloud as he approached, wary to keep some distance just in case, ”the sooner the parents leave the sooner they come back from their damnable date.” Faeral stuck to a more casual outfit this time around, not eager for some snot-nosed little brat to destroy anything. The only somewhat fine thing he brought along was the cane sword, the thing swinging a few circles on his pointer finger before the dark-haired man caught it and lightly tapped it against the ground, ”Knock away madame.”

There he was, her Dick Grayson, her wonder boy, her Spock, her... free room and board! Faeral the man that she oh so loved, to ask for money and to go with her on such stupid tasks. Truly she was blessed with a friend that knew what the important things in life were, fine dining, lovely parties, and smashing people's faces in with rocks. Nothing was more enjoyable, except for possibly pancakes, because pancakes were the pinnacle of ecstasy. If she could somehow figure out how to make pancakes the method of procreation, Erika could die a happy and probably very pathetic woman, or awesome woman depending on how you looked at that uh... 'dream'. Regardless now was the moment, the truth would finally be expelled from her mouth and the job could begin!

"Oh my Faeral I must say I didn't expect you to be late, as the creator of our unofficial team name of Faerika I must insist that you wear this stylish team jersey, it is red the color of passion, something you and I both share!"

As she pulled the shirt from behind her back, Erika made sure he saw the side with the lovingly crafted words on it. "Shoot here first" complete with a nice engraved target marking over the stomach area.

Regardless Erika moved slightly towards the door and knocked on it, though she didn't knock with much force, the door seemed to open, and the couple behind the door looked at both of them with a smile.

"Are you two the mages? My wife and I are all ready to head on out, if you want to go in and watch our little angel."

One might wonder what odd incident brought these two together, and what sort of sadomasochistic tendencies kept them in the slightest bit of communication. At times like these Faeral pondered the odd workings of life as he held the shirt between his two hands, staring down at the little “Shoot here first” target. ”How thoughtful,” he said without a hint of emotion, ”unfortunately it clashes with my jacket so I think I’ll pass for today.” He’d probably burn the thing later, but for now he stuffed it into his small travel bag as the door opened to reveal two people he ought to report to child services.

’For all they know we’re serial killers they’ve openly welcomed into their home.’

How was he to know that Erika used his family’s respectable name in landing them the job? Not that it’d matter, he could figure something like that out well enough if he assumed for one second they even bothered with a background check.

They likely hadn’t.

”Excellent! We’re so glad you two could come,” the woman bulldozed on without letting either get a word in edgewise, clapping her hands in front of her chest and then clasping them together, ”It’s simply been forever since we’ve had a proper date night! Please look after our little darling, and don’t forget he needs to be asleep by the time we come back!”

As she spoke the husband in the background gathered their things so they could dash off, all but pushing his wife out of the house while she happily waved at them until they couldn’t be seen anymore. ’Some part of me bets she’s still waving.’ A bizarre thought, he chose to drop the idea quickly – a skill he gained in the earlier stages of his budding friendship with the ‘unique’ girl next to him.

”I suppose we should go find the brat before he cuts off something he’ll regret later in life.” His voice lacked a certain element of enthusiasm to it.

Faeral took the shirt but clearly he viewed it as clashing with his outfit, this made Erika a little sad, she had designed it to clash, the fact that he wouldn't wear it because of that was annoying. Clearly it was meant to clash so the one shooting at them would see the target right off the bat. Faeral could really be insensitive and break a woman's heart, especially when she slaved all day to make some kid create the shirt during his lunch recess. Really how could he be so insensitive to that young kids plight at Erika's hands, she worked hard to harass him!

Regardless it seemed the job had begun and now she would have to deal with an annoying brat who would constantly belittle her most magnificent of efforts... oh and some kid they had to look after too. No matter, Erika was prepared and as the odd woman waved them off Erika with swift thought replied before scuttling into the house.

"I hear the hotel on main street is a great place to snuu snuu!"

Entering the house she looked around, there were no sharp objects that she could see, in fact everything had been bubble wrapped to keep the kid safe, or maybe to make a dog not hurt its head? Erika didn't know, she never cared for safety in the first place, since you ever live if you are in the danger zone.

"Not like he'll use that later anyway right? Well I guess he would if he needed to go potty or something."

Erika smirked gently as she looked about the house entry way and puffed her chest.

"Alright, you search the right wing, I'll search the left wing, we will meet up back here in fifteen minutes, if the kid hasn't been found by then we must assume he has been lost or I have hit him in the head with a rock and he is knocked out. If that is the case then we can just order pizza and chill on the couch, job givers are paying."

Pulling out a master magic card Erika winked.

"That lady should really not bump into strangers with her purse open, some mysterious character might just grab something important."

The extent they went to “kid proof” their house was…admirable, to say the least. It forced Faeral to pause, his eyes widening ever so slightly as he took in the sight. ’If I didn’t know better, I’d hazard they simply love bubble wrap.’ Entirely possible their child might be a little “special” but he wouldn’t put it past the pair to be overly cautious…wait no, that completely clashed with the notion of their idiocy against hiring strangers with no child-handling experience.

Taking orders from Erika came as a special treat, but not really because she happily dished them out on a daily if not hourly (or more) basis. The fact the gentleman would be listening to said order, now that was a treat because more often than naught he waved away whatever she said because the woman insisted on trying to order him around the most when he was working. He snorted at her little joke before splitting up as she decreed.

Rather than wander into the side room he chose to check upstairs, curious if maybe the little cretin was hiding in his room. If so they could simply bar him inside, make use of amenities, and eventually coerce the thing into sleeping before leaving. Easy job. And if his room turned out to be as fool proof as the rest of this silly house then all the better!

Much to his pleasure he found the little thing playing in its room, albeit tossing toys about with fabricated explosion noises spewing out of his little mouth. The child, probably in second or third grade of schooling took one look at Faeral and said, ”Cool, you don’t have a stupid top hat like the last guy. Stupid Mad Hatter fanboys!”

There came a rumbling noise as something tumbled down the stairs after it made a loud thud against the wall. He might’ve acted a little rashly, but the man held enough mind about him to first tie a pillow to the kid’s head and neck lest he break something. As for marks…well as long as things remained beneath his clothes they could claim a small tumble down the stairs, probably from after a bath when he tried to escape without getting his clothes on before fully dry. Yeah, that sounded plausible.

As the child lay their stunned at the bottom of the steps, and undoubtedly Erika would eventually show up at her leisure, Faeral would meet her eyes atop the stairs and shrug, ”It was an accident.”

That was a nice change, finally Faeral acted like the good sidekick in this relationship. He gave her everything and she didn't nothing in return, really this was a win/win for both parties, Faeral got the pleasure of serving Erika, and Erika got the pleasure of a bunch of free stuff... speaking of free stuff...

Erika took the right side of the home, which seemed to hold more of the family and living room kind of area's, but they seemed odd. Everything was really fancy and there were plenty of nice boxes about... wait could it be that these boxes and various luxury furniture held something most dear to them? Oh, my Erika could only hope so, but alas after searching through them all she didn't find much except for a few pepper spray traps for no reason, and well other odd traps. Were they trying to hurt their kid? Erika couldn't blame them, but seriously this place might be a death trap for a unseasoned thief/jerkface that just posed as a babysitter, really sometimes people could just be massively inconsiderate.

Then Erika finally found it, the jackpot, the master bedroom, for whatever reason she didn't find a child's bedroom, perhaps they had relocated to be away from the brat, which seemed to make sense after all the traps were placed everywhere. But now there were almost no traps, which meant that Erika could finally act like the beautiful queen she was, with the mothers jewelry of course. Just as she was trying on various amounts of bracelets, necklaces, rings, and hairpins, a loud thud rang throughout the house. Normally Erika wouldn't care, but this time it seemed like it was important, it seemed very... Feral like... oh uh Faeral like that's right.

Running to meet up with Faeral so she could find out what happened, she noticed half way through her sprint that not only she was making a lot of noise due to all the jewelry she found, but the kid was at the bottom of the stairs, bruised and hurt with a pillow tied to the back of his head. As the kid looked up towards her with a crying face that begged for forgiveness, Erika simply smiled at him and moved to comfort the child, only to smack him in the head with her incredibly stylish boot heel. The kid cried some more, but that just meant she would hit him in the stomach till it stopped which was a total of about 3 times.

Looking up towards Faeral Erika simply said...

"Mine was too, I have a spastic muscle problem that causes me to kick people when they are down. I do hate such strange medical conditions but it is the way of the world. Now that we have tucked him into bed for the night, however... what do you want on your pizza?"

It was times like this the man knew he could count on the very odd – both in appearance and personality – woman. So many people he knew might balk at what’d just happened, instead she helped fulfill part of their contracted deal in making sure the sandman found the child, even if said sandman was her boot. After all this the child probably wouldn’t remember the actual course of events, but just to be on the safe side…well they’d wait until he revived.

”Just please don’t forget the mushrooms this time. Hmm…maybe tack on a couple drinks too, I’m not sure if these people have anything good in their fridge.” They seemed like the type to either hide the good stuff, or avoid bringing it into the house altogether in some venture to protect the little abomination. He figured why waste time though seeing as they’d be paid for the job and dinner, he wouldn’t balk at the idea of a free meal.

He made no mention of the “bling” she’d acquired since they split up, hardly surprised the girl located the bedroom. Of course it’d be just his luck he found the brat, but now that he’d been put to bed – in a manner of speaking – they could relax for the rest of the evening. Once he inevitably woke up they’d make sure the kid knew exactly what happened.

As the clock ticked later and later, nearing the third hour since the parents left, the door finally opened and they were greeted by the idiot duo. ”So, how was my little angel?”

”He behaved for the most part. There was…one small incident however, and he wanted to explain it to you himself before he went back to bed,” Faeral explained with his award winning smile, ”Oh Junior, you may come down now!”

Erika had ordered the pizza, and in a strange twist of fates made sure the order was right this time, and not only that but had stuffed all of the woman's jewelry into her pockets to make sure when she got home, that she wouldn't notice the missing little jewelry, at least till Erika had safely run away with it, and hopefully without confrontation. Not that Erika didn't welcome confrontation, just that it could get boring on occasion especially when it was against a client paying her.

As the time passed, Erika was held back from doing anything too stupid by that little voice in her head, that stated simply wait and don't screw this up for yourself. She figured at this point she was insane, and perfectly sane at the same time, the curse of being a genius, knowing both worlds and yet being apart from both of them. See this is what happens when Erika is left to just think about things as time passes, she gets bored and stuff starts to make less sense. She really needed a dry erase board to play charades or perhaps try and work out a few random quadratic formula's. She has eccentric tastes.

Then, finally the people came home. and asked Faeral how their kid was doing, and of course he replied in a manner that was befitting his charming demeanor. Still a lie was a lie, and Erika approved of lying if it was fancy in its own right, and Faeral's certainly were.

Course even after approving of such a lie Erika had to add a twist to it too, when the little brat came down the stairs and looked beat up.

"He fell down the stairs, didn't you?"

"Yes... I fell down the stairs..."

The mother looking at him a little shocked, the father interjected with his own gruff and seemingly amazed voice.

"I don't think he actually fell down the stairs."

"Well my partner in crime here threw him down them, with a pillow of course for protection, and then I beat him with my boot till he fell asleep, simple really."

The parents both looked astonished at this sudden claim of violence against their child, and then they smiled.

"On thank you so much, you actually scared him into lying about it."

"We've been having so much trouble convincing the school that he fell down the stairs because he simply wouldn't say what happened, but now you two have given us the greatest gift of them all, fear instilled into our darling baby boy."

"Yes, now whenever I get mad at him, I can rough him up and he will tell the lie I have been trying to teach him for AGES, please take the money, you've earned it all, now if you two will excuse us my husband and I need to have quality time with the family."

Tossing some jewels both Erika and Faeral's Way, Erika grabbed her bag and headed out of the home and ready for the next adventure. Turning towards Faeral with a light smile, Erika would proclaim...

"Well then my mine Faeral fellow, I shall be off for a bit, there is a job I wish to partake in tomorrow, and I shall find my own residence for tonight, but fret naught, I have found another one we can do together in the afternoon, don't be late now, for it is of the utmost importance!"

With that she walked off, as usual not listening if he protested against it, merely preparing herself for the inevitable to happen, more hijinks and whacky adventures.

’Well…that was unexpected.’ Catching the money Faeral pocketed it inside his jacket, tempted too but refraining from kissing the small stack of cash. Who’d have suspected they’d performed the greatest favor to a pair of questionable parents: teaching their child to lie. ’Well I guess that explains some of the extra bruises.’ The kid did seem to be sporting a few yellow ones alongside the budding ones, but he’d opted to ignore it because quite frankly he could’ve cared less. Besides for all the man knew the kid had a bully who waited for him daily at school or the like to mug the child and practice his general hooligan abilities.

If only they could’ve maybe gotten a small bonus, but oh well he supposed the man should be grateful that they didn’t straight up call the Rune Knights or some small town police force.

The fact that Erika offered the truth on a silver platter would’ve been annoying had it not turned out in their favor, but if they’d actually been decent parents he supposed they might’ve become very quiet parents soon. Saved them a lot of problems in the long run and the kid from ending up in some orphanage with a missing tongue. ’Or…would that be considered helping the kid?’ The line between “good” and “evil” was so obscure that Faeral usually didn’t bother considering it, shrugging the matter off as they left the abode of one messed up family.

That smile boded ill for Faeral, the man stopping in his tracks as she addressed him to offer the wonderful news that she’d more or less signed them up for another gig tomorrow. On the pleasant side of things the woman wouldn’t be raiding his fridge tonight, but on the darker side she, well, he didn’t know what the heck she’d be doing. Whatever it was wouldn’t be good for the general public, that much he felt confident in saying. There’d be no point in fighting the inevitable unfortunately, the man sighing quietly through his nose as they parted ways. ’ ‘Spose I’ll have to set my alarm clock then,’ he jeered to himself, rolling his eyes. Knowing the woman, she’d left the details on his desk before they left for this job.

’Can’t be much worse than babysitting at least.’