Anaconda Job 4 - Hysterics

Shunsuke walked up to the stage and felt a booming sense of fear within him. Perhaps the first sense of feat he had ever felt in his 420-year life. The crowd looked on with prying eyes as he prepared his mouth and train of thought. Okay, he said. Time to do some funny business. Suddenly the words came to Shunsuke's mouth, and he was ready.

"I'm gonna tell you a story. Throughout your life, there's always been that one person who just creeps you the hell out, right? I guarantee it, you're growing up like na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. That's the sound of growing up. Even at your job today, there's a complete weirdo, who makes you Scaredicus every time he walks into the room. Hell, I can list a couple features right now. He isn't fat, no, we would never call him fat, but he was 'shapes'. He walks around slow as hell, he's got that aura that says 'I'm going to kill you'. Nobody talks to that guy. You don't talk to that guy. He's got those glasses on, that smile, the pocket full of the congregation of pens, in case he has to write 'a lot'. The second he comes in, "Hey, do you guys wanna get the fuck outta the break room? Come on guys, let's get out." Like, you got sweat running from your armpit down your side, your voice just cracks like hell "Come on let's get out of hereeeeee". Nobody talks to that guy. But let me tell you something. Every job I've had in my life, I've made it a point to talk to that guy. I would seek him out, and talk to that guy. We'd just have little convos here and there, and give him candy, all "here you go, enjoy that, put that in your mouth". Because on the off chance that that guy just *cht* snaps, comes into work the next day with a sawed-off shotgun all *POW* *click-c;lick* *POW* *click-click* *POW* *click-click* he comes into my office like *GASP* "Thanks for the candy." *POW click-click* *POW click-click* *POW click-click*.

The crowd went into hysterics after hearing this. Then Shunsuke finished his story by saying "You laugh now, but you know when you come in on Monday, you're gonna be like 'hey Gildarts'". The crowd nearly lost their voices at that, to be honest with you.

All Credit goes to Dane Cook.

"We've all had some crappy jobs, right? You know, you know you could do better, but you need the money so you gotta do it. First job I ever had: Burger God." The crowd started laughing, with Shunsuke making a "nyeh heh heh".

"My older brother got me the job too. He was the goddamn manager. And you think he'd be cool, you know, because he's my brother, but he was a dick." The crowd started laughing again. "He thought he was the Burger God. He would put my on drivethrough every goddamned night. Let me ask you a question: why do people wanna yell loud as shit when they're at the drivethrough? It was somewhat modern technology, I'd be there with my headset be like 'Hi, welcome to Burger God-WHOPPER!!!" The crowd started laughing. "Sir-WIPE IT ALL ONION, EXTRA KETCHUP!!! Okay, listen, Kenpachi." The crowd laughed once more. "I'm bleeding from the ears here, Pacino, calm down. We're dealing with food, not missiles, NOW DRIVE AROUND!" The crowd was almost dying at this point.

"I would have rather had people yell, it's when people didn't talk loud enough is what pissed me off. Like, I'd hear 'I seis de sparhs, and the pickles, es arns and the pickles, and some extra larges, and the pickles" Shunsuke himself laughed at this. "Ma'am,-and the pickles. and all of the shakes, and don't forget all the pickles, and an extra large with the shakes, and the pickles, and the pickles, and the pickleeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. Okay ma'am, I-'chicken tenders. sweet sauce all over my body...' Okay, somebody get some sauce, now! Come on, she wants it her way!"

"You're trying to find that right person, it is brutal, finding the right person. When you're in a relationship, and you're with somebody awful, I call it a relationshit. But it happens. You're in a relationship with that awful person and you just start arguing, you just start arguing over nothing, over the stupidest shit, you try to find things to argue about. Because we can't be adults and be like "Hey, come here. We're fucking over", right?" The crowd started laughing. "Nah, nah, it's like 'eh, let me stick around for five or six years, then we can end this thing finally. Girls, you will stay in a relationship for years with a guy you don't like, and you'll invent the stupidest excuses. Your friends will even see it, all 'why don't you just go, Lisa, seriously. We're here because we're concerned about you and he's a dickwad, just go.' And you'll be like 'I can't just go. I can't just go, Karen, it's not that easy'. Men and women have two goals in a fight, and women, listen to me. Us men want to make you cry." Several women started laughing. "There's something about that sobbing that makes us feel big. Not a lot of crying, not that heavy shit, no, because that's obnoxious, knock it off." The crowds started laughing.

"After what I just told you, I realized that I needed to tell you men something. I needed to tell you why women win fights." Immediately a screaming laugh was heard from the women of the audience. "And I'll tell you right now, it's because you are mental terrorists." *Clapping sound initiated.* "You are brain ninjas. And you know how to take your katana and cut us down. I'm gonna tell you, guys, I'm gonna teach you so you know when it's coming. All it takes is this little comment. This little mint-sized comment. But this is a fucking incendiary device." Shunsuke took two fingers and made a mint-shape. "It's gonna go in there, it's gonna go deep in your cerebellum, and just burn down the place. That's why you don't know what to say back, because that fire is burning down your brain, and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. I can imagine your brain cells all screaming and shit because they're getting burned down, and you're just in complete shock and shit. And here's when you know it's coming. This is the physical movement that she's gonna give to you, that she's gonna aim the incendiary device at you. You tell me "Shunsuke, how can I prepare myself?" During the argument, there's gonna be a point where she stops and changes her offensive maneuver. The minute she starts agreeing with everything you say, even if it's complete shit, you're fucked. And I'll show you what she's gonna do. She'll whip her leg out like this." Shunsuke lifted his leg up as to make a kicking motion, and put it on the floor, so that the foot was away from his body, and turned to the left. Everybody started laughing after this.

"The moment her leg just *ehhhhh-bum* like this, you've just driven into Fuckville. And she's the goddamned mayor! So she's locked and loaded" Shunsuke started smiling "You're loving this right now, I know it. Now at this point, she's gonna start agreeing with everything you say. Like, even if you said something like 'fuck you', she'd say 'Okay, fuck me'. And when you think you have it won, this is the part you have to watch out for, the comment. The incendiary device, the one-way ticket into Loserland, Shittown, Fuckville. After that, you just lost. It's like when a general has lost a war and is at the mercy of his dominator, except she's a dominatrix. Anyhow, your brain just catches fire like I said, and you can say not a goddamned thing. I know some men who can try and put out the fire by saying some random shit, but they end up making the fire even hotter, and as the braincells are screaming in pain, they're like 'fuck this bitch'. Now, here's the way to avoid this, or should I say counter this: start calling her a little kid. Women can't stand it when their maturity is questioned. It's like be like "Oh, you're acting like a 5 year old right now" and she'll be like, screaming, all "NO I AM NOT FUCK YOU" Sometimes it works, and at the same time you end up getting a split lip and a mild concussion." The crowd made a standing ovation for Shunsuke, and that was all there was to it.

Credit for all joke ideas goes to Dane Cook