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    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Skybourne
    Skybourne

    Player 
    Lineage : Hunter's Wrath
    Position : None
    Posts : 20
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Quan Yao-zu
    Experience : 0

    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review) Empty Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Post by Skybourne 9th May 2014, 10:54 am


    Magic

    Primary Magic: Zen Human Weapon Technique
    Caster or Holder: Caster

    Description: By undergoing the rigorous training at the Shang-Zhi mountains from a land far away from Fiore, one will gain the control of the Natural Energy or Zen that lies within, in exchange the user will lose all of his Magic that naturally lies on oneself. Upon learning one will fully gain control over the mind, the body the heart and the soul. Each aspects grants a very unique ability and power to the user. Acquiring this also needs to confront the four beasts that represents each aspects, Snake for the mind, Turtle for the body, Tiger for the heart, and Phoenix for the soul. Each beast is made out of pure Zen that the user will receive upon winning. This technique will allow him to summon and focus his spirit energy and enhance his natural abilities to extraordinary levels. His strength, speed, stamina, durability, agility, reflexes and senses can all be greatly intensified, making his already formidable martial arts skills even more so.

    Sebastian manipulates the energies inside his body, and draws it out, like a water coming out of a faucet. He can change the size and the shape of these energies, and use is to amplify his attacks. He can also alter the property of of his energy. The technique is so flexible that it can do almost everything, but it is limited by the users ability to manipulate the zen.

    Strengths:



    • Enhances the users physical stats, speed, agility, strength, durability, and senses. Making him a notch higher than your average human.


    • Will be an expert hand to hand fighter, who can hold his own to some top class warriors


    • Wizards who can drain magic won't be able to use their skills against a Zen user, since he is using his natural energy rather than his regular magic reserves.



    Weaknesses;



    • Excessive usage of this power will cause over fatigue that leads to sudden weakening of ones self. Like when he tries to use the same technique twice in a battle. Sebastian is limited to only use a technique once.


    • Due to it being dangerous to ones health and body, there will be a tendency when it automatically turns off when the user is about to reach his limit. Theses limits are, as I mentioned earlier, when the user tries to use and execute a number of feats (abilities and techniques) at the same time.


    • Some techniques may take some charging time before it can be use mostly 1 post.


    • Some techniques can only work once a certain technique is activated.



    Abilities/Powers:



    • Energy Manipulation, a user can manipulate the energy that's flowing through his body, to create shield, projectiles and weapons. This abilities range and effect time may vary on every technique he uses. (read the  Techniques/Spell for more info.) And is limited by the amount of energy used.


    • Quick regeneration, he can use his energy to heal himself by redirecting the energy to the injured area. He can also heal outer bodies, the same principle applies. The healing process only takes a quick instant to complete. (1 post)

      Cuts/Bruises = 10%
      Broken Bones= 20%
      Fatal Wound = 30%
      (can't regenerate lost limbs/organs)


    • Telepathy, with his full control over his mind, the user can communicate tlepathically on a small scale not only that, he can also read minds. This is a two way type of telepathy in which he communicates and/or read someone's mind on a 50meter range. This also makes his deadly martial art skills even deadlier by reading his opponents thoughts before they execute the move, allowing him to counter or evade.





    D RANK SPELLS/TECHNIQUE:


    Last edited by Skybourne on 13th May 2014, 9:27 am; edited 8 times in total
    Skybourne
    Skybourne

    Player 
    Lineage : Hunter's Wrath
    Position : None
    Posts : 20
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Quan Yao-zu
    Experience : 0

    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review) Empty Re: Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Post by Skybourne 10th May 2014, 10:53 am

    hump de bump
    Kirahunter
    Kirahunter

    The Phoenix


    The Phoenix

    Moderator- Developer/GFX Artist- VIP- Quality Badge Level 1- Quality Badge Level 2- Quality Badge Level 3- Ten Wizard Saint Member- Rising Star- Guild Master- Demon Slayer- S-Rank- A-Rank- Haiku Contest Participant- Veteran Level 2- Veteran Level 1- Magic Application Approved!- Character Application Approved!- Complete Your First Job!- Obtain A Lineage!- Join A Faction!- Senior [500]- Novice [250]- Hero- 1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Keeper of War
    Position : None
    Posts : 1358
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 25
    Experience : 1,250

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Seith - Human Possession
    Second Skill: Stardust
    Third Skill:

    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review) Empty Re: Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Post by Kirahunter 10th May 2014, 8:03 pm

    Before I even go into the spells there are some things that must be tackled first.

    Your magic description needs to be more in depth. I read it and understand "zen manipulation" but what does zen do? How does he manipulate it? Does zen energy have special properties? Does it burn,zap, freeze or immobilize? Please more detail on what specifically the magic and zen does. For all your description says Zen could make flowers grow wherever it hits.



    Your weaknesses section needs some more details. You mention limits and excessive use. What are these limits? What classifies as excessive use?

    You may also want to rethink your third weaknesses combat on this site can be very fast paced. I've seen fights start and end with just 2 posts on each side.(that was an extreme case but it did happen) If your attacks take 2 posts of prep time you will be useless in solo combat. However this is just a suggestion, this part is not mandatory.

    Your abilities and powers section also needs a little work. Again mostly just defining limits and what not. On your energy manipulation I need things like ranges, effect times, other limits. The regen I need to know how long does it take for you to heal how much and how much energy does it take. Telepathy also needs a range in meters, is it two way communication or one way, does this permit mind reading, can anything impede communications that sort of thing.

    Once you get all that sorted away we can start on spells.

    Also please shrink your profile picture or find another one it complicates reading and just looks sloppy.


    _____________________________________________________________________________________

    [20:44:53] Kirahunter : also I like the sound of my own voice
    [20:44:59] Kirahunter : so I had to say something

    Missions Completed

    D- 6 (150 exp)
    C- 1 (50 exp)
    B- 1 (1,050 exp)
    A- 0
    S- 0

    Total:1250

    Character
    Primary Magic
    Skybourne
    Skybourne

    Player 
    Lineage : Hunter's Wrath
    Position : None
    Posts : 20
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Quan Yao-zu
    Experience : 0

    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review) Empty Re: Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Post by Skybourne 10th May 2014, 9:50 pm

    bump
    Skybourne
    Skybourne

    Player 
    Lineage : Hunter's Wrath
    Position : None
    Posts : 20
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Quan Yao-zu
    Experience : 0

    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review) Empty Re: Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Post by Skybourne 11th May 2014, 4:42 am

    bump
    Kirahunter
    Kirahunter

    The Phoenix


    The Phoenix

    Moderator- Developer/GFX Artist- VIP- Quality Badge Level 1- Quality Badge Level 2- Quality Badge Level 3- Ten Wizard Saint Member- Rising Star- Guild Master- Demon Slayer- S-Rank- A-Rank- Haiku Contest Participant- Veteran Level 2- Veteran Level 1- Magic Application Approved!- Character Application Approved!- Complete Your First Job!- Obtain A Lineage!- Join A Faction!- Senior [500]- Novice [250]- Hero- 1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Keeper of War
    Position : None
    Posts : 1358
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 25
    Experience : 1,250

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Seith - Human Possession
    Second Skill: Stardust
    Third Skill:

    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review) Empty Re: Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Post by Kirahunter 11th May 2014, 12:25 pm

    For the most part you did alright fixing your description, weaknesses and powers and abilities. However there are still a few rough edges.

    Your regeneration ability you said you could heal in 1 post. How much damage could you heal? Are we talking cuts and bruises, lose limbs, fatal wounds? Also include how much energy out of 100% this would take to do.


    Your telepathy was almost golden till you slapped on at the end "making this deadly martial artist even deadlier." How so? Explain how telepathy makes you more dangerous. Unless you are meaning that it makes you a killer telemarketer; which I could understand.

    Onto spells....

    Your dynamic punch seems alright. However you include in your descriptions that it has a 50/50 hit ratio. We don't use percentages or ratios to determine if something hits or not here. Take that out and everything will be fine for that spell.

    Your shrapnel burst the problem seems lie in the wording more then anything. Shrapnel are small bits of metal that scatter during an explosion. Are you sure that is the right word to use to describe this spell? Confirm this and I'll finish checking the spell.

    The lotus burst gives speed that is a bit over the top. The speed of sound is mind boggling fast, especially for D-Rank. Please reduce the speed to somewhere around 100 mph, which is still very fast. You also say you are immune to harm by friction yet you later list as a weakness that he could slip on sleek surfaces. This is contradicting as it sounds like you are half exempt from the laws of friction yet half susceptible to them. Please further elaborate, clarify or rewrite.

    Your bursting knee thingy is also an envelope pusher.


    It is an unavoidable attack with 100% accuracy


    it can paralyze an opponent completely once it hits for 1 post.


    It's a physically unblockable attack.

    Each and every one of these strengths dequals it for approval in my books. Nothing is 100% undodgeble even at H-Rank. Total paralysis could be a d-rank level ability only if that was all the spell does but this spell deals damage on the side, on top of that paralysis makes for some very irritating role playing. I personally average 350 to 500 words for each of my in combat posts. I can name no one person who wants to write 500 words on being paralyzed. Please consider removing that aspect or at the absolute least limit it to small portions of the body. Lastly "unblockable" is a no-go. Everything can be blocked some way some how.



    Then as a blanket note you use a lot of absolutes through out your app. Things such as "unstoppable" "100%" "unblockable" Absolutes are highly frowned upon in role play and do try to avoid using them.






    _____________________________________________________________________________________

    [20:44:53] Kirahunter : also I like the sound of my own voice
    [20:44:59] Kirahunter : so I had to say something

    Missions Completed

    D- 6 (150 exp)
    C- 1 (50 exp)
    B- 1 (1,050 exp)
    A- 0
    S- 0

    Total:1250

    Character
    Primary Magic
    Skybourne
    Skybourne

    Player 
    Lineage : Hunter's Wrath
    Position : None
    Posts : 20
    Guild : Lamia Scale
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Mentor : Quan Yao-zu
    Experience : 0

    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review) Empty Re: Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Post by Skybourne 11th May 2014, 1:36 pm

    Done -bump-
    Kirahunter
    Kirahunter

    The Phoenix


    The Phoenix

    Moderator- Developer/GFX Artist- VIP- Quality Badge Level 1- Quality Badge Level 2- Quality Badge Level 3- Ten Wizard Saint Member- Rising Star- Guild Master- Demon Slayer- S-Rank- A-Rank- Haiku Contest Participant- Veteran Level 2- Veteran Level 1- Magic Application Approved!- Character Application Approved!- Complete Your First Job!- Obtain A Lineage!- Join A Faction!- Senior [500]- Novice [250]- Hero- 1 Year Anniversary- Player 
    Lineage : Keeper of War
    Position : None
    Posts : 1358
    Cosmic Coins : 0
    Dungeon Tokens : 0
    Age : 25
    Experience : 1,250

    Character Sheet
    First Skill: Seith - Human Possession
    Second Skill: Stardust
    Third Skill:

    Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review) Empty Re: Zen Human Weapon Technique (Ready for Review)

    Post by Kirahunter 15th May 2014, 5:04 am

    Alright good, approved!


    _____________________________________________________________________________________

    [20:44:53] Kirahunter : also I like the sound of my own voice
    [20:44:59] Kirahunter : so I had to say something

    Missions Completed

    D- 6 (150 exp)
    C- 1 (50 exp)
    B- 1 (1,050 exp)
    A- 0
    S- 0

    Total:1250

    Character
    Primary Magic

      Current date/time is 21st November 2024, 6:09 pm