Crimes Eggainst Humanity

"Y-you can'do this to me," Edward snarled, a mix of a yell and a burp forced its way out of his mouth as he swung around a bottle of General Magnolia Whiskey. Droplets spilled from the open mouth and from his open mouth as he continued to verbally abuse anyone and everyone in the office. "You know how long I've beena easser bunny? Ten years!" He held up seven fingers in accompaniment. Either he mismanaged the finger count or needed the other three fingers to hold what was a quickly emptying bottle of booze. He took another swig, liquid dribbling down the costume.

"Listen, Eddie, you was a good bunny up until ya started gamblin'. Now ya a ragin' alcoholic wit' debts out da wazoo and… last year ya told kids that the easter bunny was down on his luck, and asked 'em for their allowance moneys!" The Festival Commissioner stood up from his desk, gesturing towards several framed photographs and newspaper clippings. Most of them were celebratory images of a Spring Festival gone well or a happy child being given hope by the spirit of the holiday. However, the most recent one was a picture of the Easter Bunny sitting in a chair with a line of children sobbing as they walked away.

"I don't know why you had that one framed." The Commissioner's assistant whispered.

"You decorate your office how you want, leave me alone." The Commissioner snapped. He turned back to the disgraced rabbit. "Ya done, Eddie. Gimme ya big rabbit head."

Turning from enraged to depressed, Eddie picked up his giant easter bunny head from the chair next to him and set it on the Commissioner's desk. At some point the bottle of booze dropped to the ground, staining regret all over the carpet.

"And a poofy little tail." The Commissioner continued. There was no joy in his statement, it was clear that he was sad to see the loss of a bunny, especially one that was once of such good repute.

"And ya polka-dot bowtie." The Commissioner added. Somber music filled the air, a mournful tune to a fallen mascot. Until the assistant answered her cell phone. She'd been warned about that ringtone.

As drunken, gloved hands fumbled with a big poofy bowtie, a newfound rage dawned in Eddie's bloodshot eyes. "No! Yannow what? No! Here's my gun and my badge." He shouted, setting his gun and badge down on the table.

He used his teeth to help him remove the big bunny gloves, "You can have my big furry gloves!"

He kicked off his bouncy white bunny feet, revealing dank and stained socks underneath, "You c'n take these adorable lucky rabbits feets!"

Then reached behind him to unzip and wriggle out of the rest of the suit. "And you can have the whole damn suit," This left him in an undershirt that reeked of booze and heart patterned boxer shorts that were, thankfully, the only clean thing on him. That, and the polka-dot bowtie hanging loosely from his neck. "But I'll see you in hell before I give you my polka-dot bowtie!" He turned around and stormed out of the room.

The Commissioner stared down at the list of removed items and asked his assistant, "He uh… He was an Easter Bunny right?"

"Yes, sir."

"Why did he have a gun and badge?"

—————

"Eafter's great," Said a small green flying squirrel, mouth full of roasted turkey leg. He reached for another bread roll, the pile of plates stacking up next to him which was already much larger in size and weight than he was. It would be infeasible for someone to explain how he was fitting this much food into his body. One would think from looking at him that Ahab had never seen so much food when, in fact, his traveling companion was an excellent chef who periodically indulged in baking frenzies, albeit never to this level of cuisine.

"Easter," Tsubasa corrected, "And we're here as guests. Try to show some decorum." He was eating just as much, comparatively, but was doing so with the elegance of at least someone who had not been raised in the worst part of a barn.

"Yeah love me some Easter," Ahab repeated the word as though he had said it correctly the first time, "Gotta have all the… rabbits. Whatever the eggs are for. Have you tried this gravy it is good gravy."

"According to this brochure, the Spring Festival is in celebration of the rising new year, the dawn of new things and the departure of the frozen season," Ishmael, Ahab's technical twin/clone and the more logical of the two. Despite them being the exact same person down to the molecular level, they had almost immediately become completely different people. A case of nurture versus nature for sure.

He was eating while reading, and both his plate and table manners were a step above both his twin and his travel companion. "Rabbits are emblematic of the spring season in a lot of ways, they—" His explanation was cut off by a giant globule of gravy landing on the brochure he was reading. He raised his eyes to his sibling.

His brother looked over at him, with a veritable face full of gravy around his mouth, almost like he'd grown the worlds goopiest beard. "What. That could have been anyone's gravy."

Without looking, Tsu reached over and flicked the messier squirrel's head, letting out a resounding, somewhat hollow sounding *thonk* throughout the table. The flick was light, of course, but the relative size difference between the two resulted in a comparative smack on the back of the flying squirrel's noggin.

"Owwww…" Ahab whined, eliciting a righteous snicker from Ishmael, "This is child abuse. Friend abuse. Squirrel abuse. I'm taking it up with the higher courts."

"No court would convict me, you look like a hobo who's starting to melt."

————————

With the trio finally finished their meal, they set off to participate in an egg hunt, with Ish riding on Tsubasa's shoulder, and Ahab asleep in his backpack. One could not blame him for wanting to take a nap after consuming a small village worth of food, although before blaming him one would clearly be curious as to where he was storing all of that food because even pocket dimensions get full eventually.

"I think the Egg Hunt starts at one," Ish said, thumbing the brochure over. It had been somewhat cleaned of its gravy-laden wounds, but the grease stains alas remained and made things a little harder to read, "Over in the Great Egg Park."

Through the hustle and bustle of the crowds, from single patrons to large families coming from far and wide, it was a little difficult to work through the festival all the way to the Great Egg Park which was, unfortunately, on the other side of the festival from the Egg Pavilion, but just between the Egg Haus and the Egg Plaza.

"If we hurry we can go past Egg Road and we'll make it in time for the Twelve O'Clock Egg Parade. Otherwise we'll have to wait for the Twelve O'Five Egg Parade." Ishmael murmured, "You think we made the right decision in deciding to buy an all-day ticket for just the Egg Dome?"

"Idunno man, I think it was—"

"If you are going to say eggcellent please know that I have ready access to your ear and I will steal a lobe."

"— it was a good idea."

"Thank you."

A yawning murmur came from inside the backpack, "And that's no yolk."

"I wish my brains to be scrambled."

It was roughly an hourlong stroll from their location to their destination, stopping for shopping in the various stalls and losing at a bunch of carnival-esque games. Just as the trio arrived at the Egg Gazebo to sign up for the Egg Hunt, a frightful roar came from within the bushes beyond.

"YOU WANT AN EGG HUNT??? HUNT THIS!!! EGG CANNON!!" A voice shouted, human in origin but clearly amplified and mechanized through a megaphone. A hailstorm of eggs came firing from the bushes with the aim of smashing into anyone and everyone around. Dozens of dozens of eggs threatened to shatter goopy yolk all over the gazebo. However, thanks to the young man that had arrived only moments prior, the barrage of eggs broke only against a water-based shield, saving the patrons from being poached.

The perpetrator emerged from the bushes, revealing a gigantic Easter Bunny suit, completely metallic and seemingly made entirely from homemade products such as kitchen accessories, appliances, bits of furniture and even things taken from automobiles. Truly the type of suit that could only be cobbled together by a madman driven to the end of his rope by the cruelest of society's twisted nature.

However, it seemed to have a nice Easter Bunny Bowtie tied on, so that was nice.

It stepped forward, a hydraulic hiss escaping the legs with each movement. While the patrons fled the area Tsubasa stepped forward to take on the coney menace. It was roughly twice his height which was saying something, as his recent growth spurt had put him on the taller edge of normal humans.

"I AM THE EGG-SECUTIONER, AND I AM TRULY DEVILED."

Moving to take a battle stance, Tsubasa was halted by the declaration. "Wh-what?"

The giant rabbit seemed put off by the lack of recognition. "YOU KNOW. DEVILED EGGS."

"Oh." Tsubasa said, uncertain. He had never really been much of an egg connoisseur and really had just come to the festival for the treats and shopping. He hadn't known there would be a test of his egg knowledge. "Oh cool."

"I— JUST. EGG CANNON!!" The giant bunny hands, paws made from soldered ladles, flipped open and revealed rigged hoses which began to fire another barrage of eggs. Tsubasa threw his shield back up but this time it began to take a bit of a pummeling.

"Darn," Ishmael said, pulling on a pair of goggles which were, objectively, fucking adorable, "They're hard-boiled. And… have metal cores or something. Our shield integrity is dropping a lot faster than it should for, you know, eggs."

Tsubasa jumped to the side, drawing fire away from any other patrons that were still escaping, "We've gotta cut off his connection to whatever basket he's holding those eggs in, then we can tear him apart before he can do any more damage to the festival-goers."

"The egg hunt must go as planned!!" Ahab said, emerging from the backpack. "Tsu, you get his attention. Ishmael and I will locate and dismantle the suit from within, then you can move in and get yourself a lucky rabbit's foot. Ready?"

Simultaneously all three of them said, "olor=#9966cc]ffffff]Break!"

As the two squirrels dropped to the ground, blending in with the grass to crawl forward at an impressive speed, Tsubasa renewed his shield as another barrage of eggs came his way, "Is that all you got, Eggman? The whole connection between Rabbits and Eggs is tenuous at best and I think—"

"BUNNY PUMMEL!!!" The Robotic Easter Bunny rocketed forward on nitrous-boosted hoppy-legs and smashed through Tsubasa's shield, nailing him right in the jaw. As Tsu was sent flying backwards by the admittedly good hit, the rabbit landed and did a few test jumps of its rocket legs. Unbeknownst to the daring rabbit man, two tiny flying squirrels took the opportunity to scamper up his legs and, doing what they do best, began to gnaw on some of the wires and scratch at the innards of the suit.

"Okay that was good," Tsu said, rubbing his jaw. A healing glaze came over his gloved hand, which kept his jaw from bruising over. It did nothing for the pain, however, which was unfortunate. "Again, still not sure of the whole manifesto you've got but—"

"RABBIT KICK!" The Giant Mecha-Bunny launched off the ground again, this time boosting again in mid-air to nail a steel kick against Tsu's stomach, which he barely guarded against at the last moment by negating some of the energy that was meant to hit him. Some. It still sent him rolling away like a sentai soldier.

"Ow. Jeez. I feel like I'm getting your thing though," He said as he stood up. "I really thought like you were gonna cause wide-spread damage because you had a kinda... vengeance thing? But it seems like you're just making it up as you go along? I feel like there's probably a story behind all of this but all I really know for sure is—"

"BUNNY PUMMEL!" The Rabbit-Bot launched forward again, but this time something strange happened. Rather than the entire rabbit careening forward with impressive speed and strength, the suit seemed to open up in various parts, launching its inhabitant forward and straight into Tsubasa's grasp.

"-- you really should have reinforced your wires, my guy." He finished, raising his fist and simply punching the confused and confounded rabbit man.

The suit was taken into evidence, the bunny man was taken into custody and charged with causing a public menace, endangering children, building an unauthorized rodent suit, and crimes against egg. After an hour of clean-up, the egg hunt was permitted to begin just an hour late, and the trio were happy to join until they realized that this egg hunt was for children.

Ahab, insisting that he was only four years old, joined anyway but didn't find anything but an actual robin's nest. He was convinced by Ishmael to not eat those eggs.