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Spoiler:

Whether a regular subscriber or just randomly on your feed, a new video by LacTube user TsuKo has just been uploaded. Curious and a bit bored, you decide to give it a click. Immediately you are bombarded with a flashy logo and short guitar riff that greets you, welcoming you to a channel called TsuKo’s Hoodie.

The video starts properly with an empty gaming chair just off center screen where a young man falls sideways onto it, casually leaning with one leg up on an armrest. “Heyyyy it’s your boy TsuKo rockin’ out in my hidden cave in Ye Olde Shrine, or as I like to call it, my wonderful home!! We’ve got some good stuff for you witches, wizards and straight up necromancers today. But before we get to the main course, we gotta start with our appetizers. I’d like to thank my sponsors, Sorcerer Legends for providing me with the funds to do this video. We can’t always be slingin’ spells, savin’ the world, you know. Sometimes we wanna relax and try a different world. So how about one with no magic, just livin’ a day-to-day life? That’s where we’ve got Businessman Legends. If you haven’t checked out Businessman Legends, it’s an iLac exclusive—“

You skip forward in the video.

The video starts to show some gameplay footage of what looks like a mediocre, at best, game available for the iLac. It seems your goal is to somehow work with several other characters to create fictional products in a world where things such as fax machines are often used and there exists no magic. “— And if you join right now you can get 20,000 in Stock Bux, A Rare Upper Management Class Character an—“

You skip forward again.

“— out today! Alright, now that we got you hooked on the latest gamer craze, we’re gonna try something new today. Recently I was approached for another Rate and Review, this time by a company called Xamex.” The screen is now filled with a bevy of products from the designer line, such as a body spray, a face wash, several types of deodorant and cleansing creams. “Now if you don’t know, Xamex is a beauty products company that’s just hit the market with their brand new line of Sorcerer Splash products. Even the most dangerous of guild jobs shouldn’t stop you from lookin’ and smellin’ your best!”

“Alright so for today’s Rate and Review I’m gonna be checking out one of their face creams, a little product called Xamex’s Soothing Salve.” The young man picks up a small bottle from just off camera. It is overtly flashy and looks as though it was created by several people trying to imagine who had never met a teenager might think that teenagers like. "With a name like that you know it’s gonna be good. Alright so here we go, opening it up.”

As he takes off the protective plastic, he explains, “For those of you first watching, this is the first time I’ve seen this product. Of course with the Rate and Review you get nothing but my genuine reactions, guaranteed.” He pulls off the plastic and spins the top of the bottle open, looking inside.

His nose immediately wrinkles and his face goes sour, as though he is smelling rotten garbage for the first time. For a second the character facade drops out and barely within the range of the microphone set up just in frame of the camera, he says, “You are barking up the wrong tree if you think I am gonna put that on my face. I’m sure if I touch it, it’ll give me chlamydia, aids, or both. What are these? Are these berries? Is that shi-”

The scene cuts out and when it returns the bottle is gone, “Dang man it looks like the Salve was gonna give me an allergic reaction, so I couldn’t try it on today. Well I guess in spirit I gotta give the new Xamex line a 5 outta 10, because that’s just who I am. Anyway if you like what’s happening here, give me a thumbs up, a comment about Xamex and subscribe, next time I’ll be reporting on a job I took last week. It was outrageous!”

“Until then! TsuKo’s gone!” In a burst of watery vapors the young man disappears, and his image is replaced with the opportunity to click on the video and subscribe to the channel.

TWC:741