Confronting Yourself

Spoiler:

The day started wrong and seemed to continue on that way. He had accidentally pierced his bed after waking up and had to fix that, tore clothes while undressing to shower and had to mend that. Even in the shower it suddenly felt like it was a mission on itself to not slip and cut himself. It was a strange thing to have to think about and focus so hard on, but he knew why it was happening. It wasn't waking up on the wrong side of the bed, that doesn't cause you to suddenly become ungodly clumsy with a physical trait you were born with. What caused it was the same force that had started building in him for awhile now. It started with a job that seemed so simple, until in that dark world he was forced to realize that the side that he had been thinking with this entire time, the rational logical mind? It wasn't both sides of him, but the dragon half. Even during all those years he had missed almost half of his soul, all the missing pieces being ice dragon, even during those years it was dominate... His demon side really was relentlessly violent. The side he had always felt jaded on was the side in control. Even worse? He had briefly let out his animal form while affected by the dark magic during the time of no light. Why was that so bad? He did nothing bad with it, also he knew that whatever stupidity he pulled that night was caused by that magic... but he was only affected in the first place because of the inner conflict happening now.

Fire had taught him how to have a strong mind and heart, so that magic shouldn't have even affected him that way to begin with. Why did it? Because of the weakness inner conflict creates. What good was mental training if you fuck yourself up? The worst part, its was so obvious in that animal form that his dragon form was dominant even in that area. It was to the point that it felt almost like his ice dragon side had taken his demon half and made it it's bitch. The memories of being stupid and shameful wont go away, nor will the memories of moving in that form. It was the same one he had bitten down and back for thousands of years. Now his emotions were such a mess that he couldn't focus enough to not screw up with one of his most basic of physical traits. It was when he burned himself while making breakfast that he decided to call in to the hospital today so they would know he wouldn't be able to work today. Even with the most basic of things in a hospital you have to be able o touch things or people without the risk of breaking it from your own inner nonsense. The rice ended up coming out off, as did all the other breakfast items. Nothing else was right this morning, why would food be any different? Eating and cleaning up went as well as everything else. In the end, he left his small home area in the guild feeling just as much of an entangled mess. So he started on a walk to try to figure out what to do and how to solve this problem.

Most people would think that the best solution would be to confront the core of the issue. Deep down, Omaras knew that was the answer. This was a topic he didn't want to talk about though, nor think about. It was the same reason why the young looking man used to hurt himself and hide his wings. But doing that had kept his elemental family from connecting to him to their full ability, because he had been ignoring their worries and concerns for him. At one point it was so intense that for many years the mixed blood hadn't even realized that he had a tail. A large, useful, and powerful tail. The doctor knew this wasn't healthy, but how could he just accept that side? Why would he want to confront it? The answer was that he didn't want to. But doing that had started to mess with how well he could do missions, and now it was messing with his ability to do the very job he had dreamed about doing as far back as the man could recall. "Fuck!" Swearing wasn't something he really did, something he soon started to realize that quite a few nearby merchants knew very well. A bunch of concerned people wasn't something he needed, not now! They might ask things, and Haraka wanted no questions asked. The half demon quickly rushed from the merchant area he had ended up wondering to, mainly aiming to get far from the guilds main building as soon as possible. Away from there, away from the docks, and away from worried faces.

He didn't stop until only trees were in his sights, not that he was in any condition to notice everything. The man put both hands over his eyes and face, shame washing over them in the worst sort of way. It was a horrible feeling. "I'm such a horrible damned mess..."

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Soundlessly Panacea made her way onwards through the crowds, her serpentine lower body slithering over the ground and holding her more humanoid upper body aloft. She didn't have much trouble finding her way through the crowd as few people wanted to waste time getting in the way of a lamia who was also easily recognizable as part of the West Fiore Trading Company, but she still had a frown as she listened to the noisiness of the people filling the area. She was in a marketplace, a very busy place where there were a lot of people making a lot of sounds Panacea frankly had little interest in. However she was here because it was important for her to keep track of news in human society, and because it was good PR to appear like someone who got out and interacted with others for reasons other than business. It went against her nature but she was too invested in this act to abandon it because of some minor annoyance.

It didn't look like there was anything out of the ordinary today, the dragoness who had taken on a different shape and personality going through the motions of appearing like an approachable and friendly lamia while she kept her ears sharp. Merchants were as always busy trying to sell their wares, people who weren't in a hurry met up with friends and acquaintances. There was talk of trade everywhere, of where to go for fish and which city was most likely to pay a good price for the skins of some of the rare animals that could be found in Tolgalen.

The everyday noisiness was briefly interrupted as there was a loud swearing, followed by a rather noticeable figure running away and quickly disappearing. Panacea watched him depart with a confused and curious expression, then located and homed in on a couple of merchants who appeared bothered and surprised by the brief scene. Putting on her usual polite smile she greeted them, showing worry as she inquired about the man who had just departed to parts unknown. She had recognized him as part of the guild, but beyond that she knew very little.

Luckily she had struck gold when she asked these merchants, and soon she bid her farewell before slithering away from the merchant district. A doctor who'd been around for generations and who was always polite and controlled. Him swearing came as a complete surprise to them. That he wasn't busy with work also appeared to have confused them. It told the story of someone who was having some real trouble... and wasn't your usual kind of person. Of course that last part was already obvious, but Panacea narrowed her eyes as she remembered the lingering scent. The distinct and displeasing scent of demons, but also the familiar and powerful smell of another dragon.

Once she had left areas frequented by others Panacea changed back into Akeya, replacing smooth scales with tougher scales of midnight blue and red eyes turned emerald. With legs instead of a long tail she pushed herself forward as she followed the quarry, both scent and magic telling her enough to know where he was going. Not surprisingly he was distancing himself from civilization as quickly as he could manage. An outsider with issues wasn't going to stick around with the mortal folk. They would be of little help and even if he didn't share Akeya's sheer apathy their concern would only make things worse.

In the forest it didn't take long before she heard the man complain about himself, the dragoness turning herself into an invisible non-person to hide her presence as she slowly moved closer, hidden eyes observing the man covering his face with his hands in a simple display of despair and frustration. The scent was much stronger now that the man was right there, the dragoness staring for several seconds while weighing her options. She didn't care much for demons given that they were too dangerous, but this appeared to be a mix of dragon and demon... and beyond that she was supposed to cooperate with the guild which included helping other guild members out.

"I would agree that you are not the picture of control and calm currently." Akeya stated as she stopped hiding. Her disappeared presence returned, her body turned visible again, her own scent reasserted itself and began to mingle with the numerous smells provided by the forest and the person before her. The dragoness stepped forward until she was a couple of yards away from the man, placing a clawed and scaled hand on one hip as she looked at him with a slightly tilted head.

"Normally I wouldn't interfere with your moment of introspection, but it's important to be aware of dragons around you and what they're up to. And if a dragon is showing deep concern about themselves... well, that's a warning for everyone around. So, mind telling me what's on your mind?"

While that was phrased as a question Akeya wasn't very good at sounding gentle, so it came out as a half-demand even as she kept her sharp emerald eyes on the doctor. While her stance spoke of confidence and control she was still slightly tensing. Neither demons nor dragons were known for their peaceful ways, after all... Even Akeya herself wasn't so much peaceful as just very precise with inflicting violence.

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TWC: 899

The ice blue skinned person hadn't expected to hear anyone out here, let alone a familiar one. Hands moved from his eyes, arms falling to his sides before deep sapphire blue iris turned to look. The face wasn't familiar, but the voice and presence was. He had met them the first week he was in the guild during a small time that Cirven had made a noticeable display with magic that got many guild mates to rush over. Since than he had felt her around, but not always with the same face. She was almost a total stranger, despite how many times he had ended up in the library. He wanted to be upset or push away, but it wasn't something he could really do. The way she was speaking reminded him of his grandmother, who was certainly a prideful woman. Still, that was the same person who would often coat him in hand spun blankets. For his culture and people back then it was a sign of deep love, that you would protect and that you loved this person.

The person that not a single scale remained left of, because of that group. How would he respond? He knew that even full blooded dragons didn't normally live as long as him, let alone a mixed one. This person, most people he could say things without worrying what they might have read about him. This person was different. Still... Still... "I'm only half, and that half is a type of ice dragon whos temper is only feared by those who give reason for them to inflict damage. We are notoriously mellow tempered, as like purified frozen white ice and layers of snow. The only one that needs to fear my inner conflicts is myself." He tried talking with the smooth quiet and gentle voice he had used for thousands of years to help him out of trouble, but that had failed. A shaky voice that had become deeper the longer words arrived from within.

The mellow tone was only as much there as the shaking allowed. He sat down, feeling a bit self defeated. "...I would rather not talk about my little mess. The roots are as old and strange as myself and I was born in the bronze age." He had seen civilizations come and go, his own being the first. He couldn't fix his voice, no matter how he tried. This thing he had trained and used for so long, had used as self protection so long... it was a stupid as his talons failing him. "I'm Haraka Omaras, half demonic giant deep sea mantis shrimp, half ice dragon. Born in a country that sunk under the ocean thousands of years ago." Maybe she would be less interested. People tended to not enjoy old complicated messes and he could avoid confronting it a bit longer. But if she was still interested? If she kept reminding him of that person, there was no way he could avoid saying.

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The man looked wary to her, and it was clear that he was trying to portray himself as calmer than he was. Good. At least he wasn't like those humans who thought they could safely break down in front of an unknown variable. That said his first words had her snort almost unnoticeably, a flicker of an amused smirk moving across her face before disappearing just as quickly.

"You'd be surprised how many creatures with a temper argue that they're only dangerous to those who deserve it. Most people believe that their own actions are always sensible." The dragoness stayed where she was even as the man's voice changed and his metaphorical mask was breaking. It looked like she'd found someone who had been struggling for a long time and had finally reached the point where he couldn't keep doing the same thing he'd always been doing.

Hearing how old this person claimed to be had her raising her eyebrows, raising her arms to fold them underneath her chest instead as she watched him with curiosity. If he was speaking the truth then he was indeed very old, and his roots ran very deep. However...

"This is the first time I've heard of a shrimp demon, but neither that nor how old you are are important here." She raised one clawed hand to tap her own forehead. "You sound like someone who thinks that they're their own worst enemy and that nobody can help. From my experience that's the kind of person who's more afraid of messing up than of misery. A very human and weak thought." She shrugged as her own tapered tail moved from side to side. "Unless you've got a plan to fix your issues yourself you shouldn't be so quick to turn others away. So unless you can convince me that you know what you're doing it'd be in your own best interests if you explain your issue."

Not exactly what you would call a gentle or friendly approach, but when not disguised as someone else Akeya just wasn't very good at pretending to care for people on a personal level. She was here because this Haraka was both dragon and demon (meaning she had to keep an eye on him), and because he was an important asset for the guild. If something was hindering his performance and making him a liability to those around him because of his control slipping it was something she had to take care of, one way or another. Being nice about it was secondary.

WC: 424
TWC: 1323

It seemed now was the time he would have to star facing things, no matter how he wanted to avoid it. Then again, it was certainly a bad sign when a near stranger could tell that you needed a talk. "In my home country I knew more than enough to know that my words are true... but, I didn't inherit that notoriously calm temper, something my grandmother used to say was a good thing. She hated how hard it made for her to bring up certain things, or to break certain taboos that she thought needed to be broken. She called my demon half a blessing, she felt it made me not bound in the same way..." But of course one opinion didn't make others. She hadn't been the majority, no, not in the least. He glanced at the guild mate a bit, trying to push out imagery of that person who would never return. Still, he could feel the pathetic nature in his eyes. This caused him to look away, at the trees that surrounded them.

"I was born to a pair of criminals that sold everything for power, including their souls. But my country was a strange one. It had a spell on it created by four people that we called gods. This spell kept the immortal white ice from being damaged by the non dragon people who lived there. The side effect of this massive spell was that some people would be born unrelated to their parents, but rather to one of the four creators of the spell. How closely related to their 'God' the person was figured out after a ceremony that broke the seal on their mark. The mark was at the center of their birth mark. I never found out how closely I was related to my 'God', but I am a child of GulBekif, whom was an ice dragon and a fallen god. She was the ocean and medicine, holding those titles even after she sacrificed her godhood to save others. She was why people like me used to be born.

That kind of demon... most haven't heard of it because my country and hell were the only places to find them, now it's just hell. It's not exactly a common type... but they were notoriously violently tempered, attacking any fisherman who entered their territory. They used to be horribly destructive." He visible winced a bit, not exactly feeling all that proud of that admittance at the moment. That temper that he used to brush off as non existent, it certainly existed. Was their fears justified? It was hard to think about. "I was found in the snow by my grandmother VersveshTrothars, protected by a fire spirit. She picked someone who she thought would be a good mother, an outsider who was passing through the country named Doctor Fennos Omaras. But Fennos saw me decided to settle in the country and write medical books. My grandmother adopted me to her family to give me a chance o become something in the country, but it also came with having to deal with a large family that was always looking for something dangerous and violent to pop out of me..."

He didn't like the face that these memories were getting him to make. What could he do? Closing his eyes would just make it worse, covering them would make it more obvious. He felt ashamed of himself. "They carved into me as much as they could that my demon side was something horrible and to be ashamed of. I didn't think that because of the love and words from my mother and grandmother... but I ended up growing to like my dragon half less and less. All I can really see in it were those convinced that a child would suddenly one day become something horrible, who would send a general to check if a newborn was a danger, who considered it to be showing love by not outright killing me. They wanted me to 'clean' away my demon half, to purge it out like something filthy...

But if I lost it, I couldn't connect to my spirit friends and I would have lost the ocean in my veins." That was something he would never stand to happen. Never. He would never abandon that family of his. It was unthinkable, undoable, never. The that internal determination briefly flashed through his expression. "All of them died when I was young. Not many generations have to pass before a country that is gone becomes little more than a memory, even by their descendants. I was expecting to eventually grow old and fade with time, but it never happened. I was raised the rest of the way by my wind spirit, my fire spirit, and my lightening spirit. They are the only family of mine that survived that slaughter... I..." Keep on topic, on topic. "I've been trying to improve myself since joining the west fiore trading company... but since joining I've started to find out the only thing that has been holding me back was myself.

I thought no longer hurting myself would be enough, but one job took place in a world thick of demon energy and I started to realize... the calm and collected me that is always in control had always been my dragon mind. I don't even know how to confront that, I'm not sure I want to... but since finding it out, I've been crumbling apart bit by bit. This crack in my mind, it was the only reason the dark magic of the lightless time affected me and I unsure how to bare that shame. The form I had pushed away and done for so long was even used than... and I can't unfeel it's shape now. I can't just forget how dominantly dragon it was. I hate shameful the state that I'm in, but it feels like I have only been making it worse..." His head started to hang down, not feeling any better from these confessions. He knew this state was pathetic. All of this was horrible.

He was someone with a lot of emotional scars, and everyone died before he could ever grow old enough to confront anything or anyone. Then he waited to die but not even time would take him. The man wished he could go back to the time before realizing there was a shred of violent urges inside, but that was unrealistic.

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It was a good thing that Akeya didn't have any pressing matters to attend to, because it looked like this would take a while. Now that she'd pushed the man to reveal his issues rather than wallow in them the dragoness could quickly tell that this really was something which had been buried deep for a long time now, as she had originally suspected. From the sounds of it he was telling her his entire life story, or at least the overarching lines which explained his internal conflict. Akeya didn't think she was the best candidate for dealing something like this due to her lack of empathy, but on the other hand she also couldn't immediately think of someone who could do a better job of it. Those emotional types could make Haraka feel like he mattered, but could they reach the right conclusions?

Once the hybrid finished speaking the dragoness pinched the bridge of her nose and inhaled deeply once before speaking.

"So to summarize, thanks to an ancient and powerful spell that covered the country of your birth you ended up carrying the blood of an ice dragon who was revered as a god, while at the same time the two people who conceived you had turned themselves into demons for power which resulted in you becoming part shrimp demon, part ice dragon. You were then taken into a family where your mother and grandmother treated you with care but everyone else treated you as a monster or a liability because of your demon half, to the point where murder would not have been an unnatural act from them.

While they ended up never actually going any further than the mental and emotional abuse they left you with a distinct hatred for your dragon side because you related it to those who would kill you for being part demon. And now, years later, you have found out through a series of events that the calm and collected part of you is in fact your dragon side, not the demon side that you prefer due to the connection with your mother, grandmother and those elemental spirits." Which wasn't very surprising to Akeya, since as a dragon she herself was so logically inclined that more than once she had to be reminded that there was value in feeling emotions as well.

But that wasn't going to help Haraka. The problem was pretty straightforward. He didn't want to be violent, but the part of him that helped him stay controlled and safe to be around was something he associated with horrible people. From Akeya's perspective the issue also was that in the end Haraka's adoptive family had turned out to be correct about his demon half, but telling him that would just make him close himself off from her, maybe even attack her since she'd act as a lightning rod for the resentment he felt towards his family.

So, how to approach this... as always cold logic was what Akeya defaulted to, the dragoness huffing as her tail slapped the ground once.

"Whatever you're thinking you should do, sitting here feeling yourself get torn in half due to mental strife isn't part of it. So instead I'll just explain the error you're making that are causing the conflict.

First of all, you're making a mistake many people make where they try to put everything in groups. All catfolk are playful, all centaurs are lecherous, all elves are graceful, stuff like that. You think that because of that family of yours that you associate with dragons which was horrible that all dragons are horrible. But even if you accept that that's a bad habit to break, you seem to have been forgetting something.

The true dragon, the one you're descended from and whose nature you inherited, isn't your family or any of those fools who are smart enough to place blame but not smart enough to think beyond that point. Your dragon side originates from, and this came from your own mouth, "an ice dragon who was the ocean and medicine, who held those titles even after she sacrificed her godhood to save others", which tells a completely different story.

The dragon you all revered, whose bloodline you belong to, wasn't one of those family members who judged and looked at you with hateful eyes. The dragon you all revered was the one who specialized in healing and who was willing to throw away power for the sake of others, most likely without getting much in return."

Akeya stepped forward until she was standing about a meter in front of Haraka, leaning forward with both hands on her hips, her emerald eyes piercing. "If I wanted to be dramatic I'd even say that you are dishonouring the memory of the dragon willing to give up godhood to help others by making her selfless nature less important than what some self-absorbed idiots said.

I'm not going to give you some words which will immediately remove all your resentment and hatred. People are too complicated for one single sentence to completely rebuild their mind and erase years of anger, pain and sorrow. So instead I'm just going to say what makes sense, emotions be damned. That family of yours? The best they can boast is that they were descended from that dragon, and let it get to their heads. Look at the actual dragon, the fallen god and the ocean and medicine. What your family members were like is unimportant. Instead, would it be horrible to be like your ACTUAL ancestor?

And then there's the second mistake you've made..."

Akeya straightened back up, pointing at herself with a clawed and scaled finger.

"Even if your family was horrible, even if your ancestor turned out to actually be horrible, you would still have no reason to hate dragons as a whole. Because dragon isn't the name of a single entity, of which all others who bear the name dragon are just reflections who share the same personality. There's angry dragons, helpful dragons, patient dragons, playful dragons... dragons can be as varied as humans, and in fact tend to be more varied because dragons are extremely independent. Even if your family made themselves look horrible that has no reflection on what kind of person you are.

Just like everyone else in the world you are your own person. If your father is horrible you can still be nice. If your mother is selfish you can still be selfless. If your friends and family are all hateful and violent you can still be peaceful. You and your dragon and demon sides are no different. Your dragon side isn't some separate entity which twists your mind to evil. It is you, it represents a portion of yourself. And from what you've said so far it is the part of you that allows for you to make calm and controlled decisions.

Whether a trait comes from your dragon half or your demon half is of little importance for you as a person. You might feel like your traits are coming from two different sides more strongly than most but what positive trait comes from which side is still not cause for pushing away the positive trait.

If your dragon side makes you calm and controlled you nurture that. If your demon side makes you violent you temper that. If your dragon side makes you greedy you curb that. If your demon side connects you to your spirit family you cherish that. Rejecting one side entirely because there are bad memories associated with it you are rejecting the positive traits as well, which means you are harming both yourself and those around you by lessening yourself and being less beneficial to those you care about.

Don't think that the calmness is corrupted just because it reminds you of a family who was a poor representative for the dragon you inherited that calmness from. And don't think you're all alone in this either: there are lots of people who have to learn that just because positive traits and negative traits are interwoven they shouldn't toss the positive traits to the side."

Akeya took a deep breath, realizing that she'd basically been ranting. Huffing again she slapped the ground once more with her tail, harder this time.

"In short, associate your dragon side with your actual ancestor, the selfless goddess. And even beyond that, don't get slowed down by whether a positive trait or ability comes from your dragon blood or your demon blood, or what people who share your blood are like. All positive traits should be encouraged and strengthened, regardless of its origin. And the same goes for any negative traits: regardless of whether it's demonic or draconic, detrimental traits should be treated as such."

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TWC: 2788

The mixed blood hadn't expected that rant, or for some of the information to be misunderstood. He supposed that's what happens when you try to shortly summarize thousands of years worth of an issue?But that's wasn't what was important. The parts she did pick up properly were things the woman seemed to get right well enough. Should he thank her for pointing something like that out? He wanted to, but part of him still felt a bit ashamed to look still. It was a sort of direction he hadn't been given before. Deep sapphire blue eyes looked down to his lap, listening to the strength of her words until the woman had finished speaking. "Thank you. For what misunderstanding and miscommunication that came from my chopped short summery had given... you still understood the most important parts." A bitter smile briefly touched his expression.

"Then again, those who had lived far back enough to have full context hadn't been help those thousands of years anyway..." If someone had done more than feel bad for him, would he have accepted that help back then? That didn't matter, it was a question that could never be answered. But now he didn't feel quite as disgusting anymore. "You're right though. As horrible as the woman who birthed me was... I'm not even genetically related to her. As closely related as my dragon family had managed to keep to the twin goddesses... They were the same people that tried to wiper her out of history. Whatever information they destroyed during that era far before I was ever born will probably always be a mystery. Unless I find the magical destroyed book some of the key details will remain vague or unanswered, but it doesn't change that she sacrificed key parts of herself in order to save others.

A time far before I was ever born, a horrible sickness was born. When a person caught it, their body heated up as it ate away every bit of magic in the infected body. It didn't leave the system until that persons body was cooked black and had not a single bit of heat left, nor shed of life or magic. It spread like wildfire, and she was the only one of the four Gods of my country that... actually left her home to find out the root of the cause. The answer fell to people books called guardians of a gate... knowing what I do now, I'm pretty sure it was a gate to hell. I don't think she made a deal of sorts like the stories said she did... but it's obvious she did something that forced the gate to close, something that resulted her in tearing out the piece of her soul that held whatever powers she had that people called her godhood and sinking it to the bottom of the ocean.

That sickness never fully died and her sacrifice caused some people like me to be born with incomplete souls. This often caused us to also be born half demon due to the weakness that caused.... But, that sickness was never as widespread again. When it did happen, we had a medicine that she created using a piece of her soul while she was dying. The frost dragon fruit was never an antidote, but it was the only thing that gave people a chance to survive that sickness." He finally tried to stand himself back up, finally regaining enough of his courage to look at the fellow guild mate. Though not exactly in her eyes, it was definitely a lot better than his previous posture. "If I actually want to take blood into consideration, I should think about her. I was so busy avoiding any possibility of my adoptive family coming up, so busy worrying about becoming like them... that I forgot the one person I know I have a blood connection to.

GulBekif saved countless people, that was the reason why people couldn't let the ruling family wipe out all memory of her. If she hadn't sacrificed, I likely would have never been born. I need to stop letting the pain they caused shape me. I don't think it will be immediate or easy... but at the least, it feels like I wont be getting in my own way so much anymore." It was strange what sort of affect others could have on you. Without realizing it, he had let that pain manipulate him long after their deaths. He briefly bowed his head a bit to try to show gratitude.  "Thank you for helping me out of a pathetic state." The soft, quiet and gentle voice had finally returned. It seemed the deep smooth voice vanished with his uncertainty and the return of self control.

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