We Believe in Things Until They're Gone

Hello.

My name is Gracie and I swore once upon a time to never make an intro on here, and I guess I've completed one other thing in life aside from getting to A Rank before I die.  Never got to drink, do drugs, travel to all seven continents, get married, publish a book, or raise my children.

I'm often called Leah, but you may know me better as Leahndr Aspont or Lark.  And I need to tell you guys something before it's too late.  Call me a drama queen.  And say I have something long stuck up my arse several times in a row and then add jk jk to render it all a joke, but I'm serious.  More serious than I've been my whole life.

I have leukemia, and it's been that way for... well, it's actually so stupid because I know it's so bad already but I haven't even known about it for a month.  I was told flat out that my prognosis is basically that I'm going to be dead within less than six months, which I'm grateful for, the straightforwardness, but at the same time I hate her so much.  And I hate everything about stupid leukemia and most of all I hate how now it seems to be trying to define my life.  I wanted to go to a real college, hell, I got accepted to Northwestern and now?  Now I'm dying.  At least my parents won't have to try to help me pay for that expensive shit and I know my college fund would never be  wasted, but somehow it sure feels like that to me.  I never thought I was a bad person until I was dying, because my family is pouring in money to waste on fighting my own cells and they should be saving it for something besides an extra week or two with a girl who's already dead.  And I did mean it when I said I would invite you to my funeral, Sal, if I could, but my mother already planned it out with me.  Some mother daughter bonding time before we can't any more.  We're going to have the perfect music and a beautiful speech, and you're in England anyway.

So here's to you all.  Everyone I know is praying for me and for these expensive treatments to work so they can pay more money for the hope that a dead girl can have a little more time.  But I've made my peace (even though that's a god damn lie I need to believe it) and I pray for them at night instead of for me.

This message is coming a lot earlier than I ever wanted, but it's because I'm being transferred to a new hospital.  All these doctors are always coming up with new things to try.  I guess they're doing their job but it almost feels like the world is making fun of me.  And it makes me tired, real tired, but even though I know how much I cost I'm still selfishly staying alive for now.  Even though I can't run and skate and do everything that made me feel alive.  I can read and write and think and pray and talk, but it feels like I'm just being stupid, writing essays and working my way through online assignments.  Especially when I worry about them and think, who the hell am I and what am I trying to pull, pretending to be a normal student?  There's nothing special about dying, but it's a long and stupid process sometimes.  You need a lawyer for a proper will, and you talk to too many insurance people and well wishers who you love but can't stand to be around because you just know they're healthy and they can walk around and they have a future.

As to why I'm writing this and writing a will, for the first I owe it to you all to tell you why I cannot be here anymore.  I ran out of time but what I spent on this site was just beautiful, and so thank you and I cannot apologize enough for leaving.  I'm sorry.  As for why I'm writing a will, I guess it's because I'm trying to get control of a small part of my life when it feels like everything is so beyond my control.  I want to choose something for once.  I chose to participate in clinical trials and be a human guinea pig so hopefully other people can actually get cured some day and not just wait to die because it's too late.

You all are so talented.  So beautiful, with good character.  Please make this world a better place.  Do it.  I beg you.

I love you all.  I will pray for you until I die.

Yours in faith,
Grace

To Aura I leave 100,000 jewels and the returned half of lacrima milk which you may or may not want, but thank you so much.
To Mashyuu I leave my legendary + item because it is from the last job we did together.  And I leave my thanks, all of my thanks for helping me not to go insane in this past month.
To Vulkan I leave a hope,
And to Salrynn I leave an apology and forgiveness in the same breath.
To Astrid I leave laughter, and kindness, because you make me laugh.  Not made
To Hero I leave something exciting and hope the best, because life is too short for anything else.
To Iza, Jiyu, Raiza, Marshy, and Julius, I leave my patience and gratitude for yours
To Ursala and Suna I leave my joy and naivety from a first group thread
I leave my voice to Shohei.  My voice and all that it carries, and I forgo that one wish she promised me
To Aioai, I leave my blessing
To Elyx, I leave my happiness (not all of it boi, not until I'm dead, but as much as I can give) because one small conversation in the chat box somehow made my day ^.^
To Aiyana I leave my time, thank you for yours
To Gisen I leave my awe and my grace, you make me feel welcomed
To my sister... I live through you and I leave you everything else, thank you for giving up the computer so I could use it for the rest of my days.  That sounds so depressing.  I'm not dead yet, but you shine so bright.
To Golden Phoenix, I leave my trumpet and YouTube links and my list of announcements and songs

But for all of you at FT-RP, I leave everyone my love, prayers, and good luck.
I've put my heart into my writing here, and it has been fun.  I always looked forward to all your posts.

I am so sorry for the abandoned threads.  I should have said this all sooner, it is unfair to you.  I just wanted to pretend that I was normal and everything was going to be okay.

Stay safe and take care. Ave atque vale, to be fancy so I don't cry.

Leah...

Theres no need to be sorry :) I didn't even know of your situation. *ruffles her hair* you've been a good member and I was so happy to know you. I don't even know what to say though :( It was really fun having you and I can only wish for the best :( I don't even know if those are the right words... :(

Thanks for everything <3

I am sorry for all that you are going through, please take care of yourself and enjoy life to it's fullest. I understand that it will be hard even harder nearer the end but please don't think of that end day think of those who love and care for you be it those you knew offline or online. I didn't get a chance to know you that much but even now as I write this I can't get the tears to stop falling. You are a kind and loving person and it is not selfish to want even one more breath to fight for the life that you want to keep. You are in my prayers and when the time of your demise finally comes I hope the spirits will welcome you with open arms and give you a new life.

We love you too Gracie, and we always will. No matter what happens. Even after this site is gone, we wont forget you.

And you dont need to leave me a Hope. You have already given this shy British fellow one. You helped me with so much stuff despite knowing me for only a few days at the time.

Im sorry i cant say more, but even if i wrote a thousand paragraphs, it wouldnt get across how amazing you are. And just...thank you. For everything you did and more.

I... Just don't know what to say... But let me just tell you, that you are a wonderful person and that you didn't deserved to have a disease like Leukemia you are a wonderful person and your GFX is really good and your writing style is fantastic! I was surprised to see that you got up to A-rank in the short time you've been here and I am so happy to see you got it eventually!

I am not sure if you will still be reading this but if you do then let me say thank you for all the smiles you brought to people with your announcements in the chats, the cupcake GFX you did as well the wonderful avatars and signatures you made for everyone and of course the posts you wrote!

Thank you for everything Gracie!

There are no words to describe this dreadful feeling we all have after reading this. It has brought me to tears, my cheeks are flushing a cherry-red after this dampness had drenched them. You have been nothing but a joy this world and to this site. Your voice and face have done nothing but bring inspiration and a greater joy to the same world. No one realizes how damn special someone is until they're gone and we can all agree that is the case now.

Too many people will leave us before our own deaths and I truly did not think any of us, especially you, deserved such a sinister outcome. Did you know it is a sin to kill a Mockingbird? They bring nothing but joy to the world, you know.

I agree with Sal, you have been a great member but you've been a greater supporter, a greater friend, and a greater idol to lots of people here. It is only fair we return that compassion to you.

Also, stop calling yourself the "dead girl." Don't put your situation before your being. You're belittling yourself. I don't see your death before I see YOU. I don't see the "mentally ill man," I see the "man with the mental illness." I see nothing more than a beautiful tea-and-crumpets girl who has a challenge with her. Win or lose, you have NOTHING but our love, our prayers, and our support.

You are an idol to me. I look up to you, even before I knew of this. I liked talking to you and you addressing me with such warmth, it was heartwarming to come into chatbox every day and get teased by you, but as much as you teased me, you treated me compassionately in EQUAL measure.

And "don't cry" my ass. Any medical challenge you face is an emotional challenge for us. Tears cover my keys as I type this. This is a community of people of all shapes and sizes but we all fit into the big picture when it comes to supporting our fellow friend, member, and human being.

I want to have known you longer and want to have loved you longer, and you know what? That'll be just the same in life and death. My compassion and love for you will only grow in the months and years to come. In any hospital, you will know that we are out in this world supporting you. And we will pray for you in both life and death. We won't stop supporting you because you aren't present. Six months, ten years, three decades from now you will still have my support.

So, to Gracie:

I give my ever-growing love,
I give my indescribable support,
I give my tears as a sign that I care,
I give my prayers to no God, to my friend,
I give my love to a person I don't know as well as I want to,
I give you a place in my heart and soul as long as you take care of it,
I give my understanding to your medical situation,
And I give you a "see you later," because we'll meet eventually. Maybe not on Earth, or Mars,
but somewhere.

I won't make this a sad message. I want you to know that I'm very glad we grew to be such good friends in such a short amount of time. You are one of the best people I know. This isn't good by it's see ya later. I wish we could have done more, but thank you for being so wonderful and living a life that you enjoyed, I wish everyone could be as brave as you. <3

Let me tell you a story, Gracie. A short one, but a story none the less.

My name is Dallas and I was born a perfectly healthy baby with an impossible level of bad luck. At the age of 6 years old, I watched someone die in my arms and it traumatized me to such a point where it adversely affected my health. Ever since that point in time, I have been in and out of the hospital every year almost without fail, due to chronic PTSD. This PTSD causes me to have hallucinations, seizures, and I cough up blood frequently when I have nightmares. There is no cure for a mental state after all.

I have been through 7 operations, the majority of them dealing with my lungs. I am expected to die any time between now and the age of 60. What scares me is going to bed one night and suddenly never wake up. Not being able to come here and tell anyone what is going on.

I do not claim to know exactly what you are going through, Gracie, but you are not alone in this fight against death. Don't think for a moment you are not adored just because of your circumstances. The people here, and myself, care about you and hope for the very best. Enjoy every single second you have. Make your life truly spectacular.

Don't give anything up, no matter how difficult it might be. Live. Kick and scream until the fire goes out. Give Death a run for its money. I am there with you in spirit. We all are. Let me take a quote from Robin Williams for you.

"You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry, thinking, ‘What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?’ But I say to you, ‘Hey, look at me!’ Please, don’t worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day… make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did."

Think of those whom you have spent your precious time with. Let them give you strength. This is a Fairy Tail forum, the home of every single Shounen cliche in existence. Struggle, Gracie. Struggle and struggle and struggle and struggle and struggle and struggle.

To you I give my strength,
My courage,
My will to fight,
and my fearlessness.
We will meet again, Gracie. I promise.

Dang...i dont know where to start, im...sad....im sad i didn't get to know ya in the guild better (this is Shizuka), and sad that i never got to know ya as a person as well...and im angry....angry that the world has put this on you on my fellow guild member...if anything, i can offer support and prayers that you beat this i will not let the worse cloud my mind i will hope and pray the best happens for you..

Kaisto and Shizuka...aka Batter

Dear Gracie...

Honestly, this is probably one of the bravest things I have ever seen on this site. Words can't convey what I feel right now, seeing as you clearly are a creative and intelligent mind. Your shop was clever and your graphics were great, posts very well crafted and OOC persona full of charisma. You are an all in one, rare... Absolutely rare. Like a diamond perhaps, the best of the best are hard to find. My regret to be honest was not spending much time with you. There are some things I go through, but seeing this... I don't know. Damn... I wish I could have done some more for you. Whatever conversation I had with you... Maybe we should have had more of.

So what do we do? Hm... I don't think it would be fair to leave things like this. I could ramble all I like about you, but that perhaps wouldn't be enough. On behalf of the site, we love you. You give me your happiness, and I give you my sweet memories. Prosper my girl, and may you live on in our hearts, as you deserve it.

"The goal of life is not to live forever, but to make something that will."

I don't know where that was said, but if it's true, it worked for me. You etched your legacy in my life, and I won't forget you. Who knows, maybe we can have a second conversation elsewhere. That would be nice. Anyways... There's much more I could say, but it loops around these points often. Don't have regrets, as you have fulfilled a lot.

-Sincerely, a sensitive King Elyx

P.S: It looks like you are the first person to get the dictionary.

Honestly i've been debating for the last couple of hours if i should reply to this or not. Words aren't my strong point and i'd probably end up rambling about something completely unrelated or mess up my point. So instead, i'm not going to say anything too deep or profound. Everyone else has already said anything and everything i could think of, and it'd be useless to echo words.

Simply, i wish you the best of luck with the remainder of your life, however long it does end up being. (You never know, miracles can happen)
It was a pleasure having you in the guild, and very nice to see it could bring someone so much enjoyment.

Rendez vous dans une autre vie, mon amie.

To all of you, Gracie says thank you and wishes you the best. It means a lot to her and us that you care. We encourage you all to be happy, and we hope for your longetivity.

We might not have really ever talked or anything but that doesn't mean I wasn't planning on doing that at some point in the future so it sucks to read this. I hope that somehow you pull through and can live a good life after. I'm not much for praying but I can give it a shot for you if anything.

Take care and we will be here if you ever do want to talk or anything.

Hey Sis! There is soo much id love to discuss with you, and help you through this process. (which im always available for if you wish.) However for now, id like to leave you with one story in particular.

It is a true story about a woman, that happened a decade or so ago.She was diagnosed with cancer in her galbladder if im not mistaken. She was given a set time similar of 6-9 months to live. There was nothing, anyone could do. She discovered there is a pace in china, called the hospital without medicine. She researched it, then decided to go. All treatments at this place, are made within from the person. With assistance, not medication. For the first while, they were basically reprogramming they way she thought, and perceived the world and her illness. She was taught Tai Chi Chuan on the regular. Her family and friends were just so estatic to see her survive it pass the 6-9 month mark. However after a year, the hospital performed "Surgery" on her. Its a video of this online and everything. Ill try to find it for you if you like. She is laying on her side, with a doctor sitting next to her with a ultrasound machine. Placing it over her stomach, they were able to see the tumor. The size of a large gold ball or so. Behind her were 3 fellow students, who have been in class with her since she started there. The three students begin performing one of the most basic tai chi exercises. They would grab energy from within the woman, and place it into the universe. Then grab energy from the universe, and place it within her. They did this for about 3 minutes, and on the screen you watch the tumor slowly shrink. It shrinks until it disappears completely. They say everything attributed to it, including the three fellow students behind her, as opposed to some tai chi master. Her bond and trust in the students were what helped attribute to it. The trust and faith in her heart, for them and herself.

I could go on and on, about the many mystical, incredible, and down right badass stories and discoveries of human potential. You are far stronger than you know, like this story isn't even the tip of the iceberg. Don't give up sis, i'm here if you need me.

Just... I don't even know how to even start this and honestly I have no idea how long this will even be but I will try. I am truly sorry that our own interactions have been very little but from all I have heard you were quite an amazing person to be around. I hope and pray that in the end the universe works in its mysterious way and you get to stay around for a lot longer. Don't give up none of us is giving up on you.

I read these all.

Thank you.

I am done crying now, and I can only say thank you for this entire experience. They have been some of the happiest days of my life, on this site. Trying to learn how to roleplay and hoping for the best.

So this is my final good bye, with all of my love.

P.S. My sister promised to get to S Rank for me so kick her in the butt if she doesn't <3