And while you are sitting indoors
waiting for the storm to pass
I will be outside dancing in the rain
❧
How did one go about waiting for death?
Astrid had never thought about it before, it was a dreary concept she didn't care much for. Rather death was the one who usually pursued her, surprising her when she least expected it, but not enough quite yet for her to fall victim to it. She had been very close a number of times already, managing to escape by the skin of her teeth, and sadly never unharmed. But what was she supposed to do when she was aware of death, staring it right in the face even?
After her and Erika's fever dream-like exchange the ace followed the woman's instructions and went back to the room she had awoken in, picking a corner of the white, cushioned abyss and nudging herself as far as she could into it, tucking her head and limbs as close to her chest as humanly possible. It was the only thing she could think to do. It was the only thing she could do.
The slayer had a lot of time to think in the quiet room, awaiting for whatever it was Erika would eventually do to signal to her it was time to go and put the plan into action. But her thoughts never went anywhere. It was already everything she had thought about when in front of the thread mage, weighing on her offer. By now she was going around in circles, every moral clashing with every spec of want and desire the musician tried so hard to convince herself she didn't have. She never had thought she would fall prey to greed, but when she thought about the various reasons why she set out on this adventure in the first place, she understood why she had. She told herself it was because she wanted to help people, but that was only ever half of it. There was much, much more. She wanted to prove herself to her mother. No, not Izayuki. She had not known the tanuki was somehow related to her until fairly recently. Violet. Her mother, her birth mother. The one who had raised her. She could not remember the last time Violet smiled, or even looked her way. All Astrid could remember from her childhood was the constant want for her mother to look at her, not through her like she usually did, like she wasn't there. It wasn't until she was older did the ace understand why. Her mother had been broken for a very long time, ever since her own mother had died when she was just a child. And having a deaf child? It was more than she could handle, to the point where when the young mage turned five she sent her away for her grandfather to deal with, tossing her aside like unwanted trash on garbage day. Because of her disability she was seen as a handicap, a burden to the Foss woman. For Erika to suddenly offer her the ability to rid herself of the handicap? What made everyone baby her? What made her weak? The thing that made her mother abandon her? How could she not accept it? Maybe once her mother saw that she no longer had the disability she would accept her. Maybe she would finally give her the motherly love she has been so desperately searching for for so many years.
She had to do this, for herself. For once in her life she wanted to be greedy, after so many years of giving and getting nothing in return.
For once she was doing something for herself.
She didn't know how long it was she stayed like this, curled up in the corner, thinking over her life choices. In this all white room it might as well be another dimension where time didn't exist. The only thing to ever change in the room, was when a low humming sound rose up from out of nowhere, interrupting her thoughts. Gaining a sickening feeling she knew what it was going to be the silvernette was slow to rise her head from her knees.
A blue portal swirled to life on the wall just beside her. How did she guess? She remembered the sound from when Erika used the same portals to pull her into this room. Now, it only served as a reminder for what got her into this situation in the first place.
Except now, instead of being a portal of mystery, it was a portal of death. She knew what would happen once she stepped through it. She would die, by the hands of her supposed 'mother'.
Again the threat of death was hanging over her, and only now she was realizing it once more. Of course it wasn't permanent. Erika promised her a new body after the deed was done. But after so many experiences of almost dying she was hesitant about feeling that pain again. Was it going to be swift and quick? Or slow and painful? That was the only part of the situation she didn't have any control over, and it was the one thing she wished she did. She didn't want to have to stare up at Izayuki and watch what she would do to the guild master, she did not want to look at what she was going to create from her death. She was already guilty about it all, seeing the god slayer's pained face would only make it worse...
... She was hesitating. This wasn't good. She could feel her muscles fighting against her, instinctively trying to back herself more into the corner away from the portal of death. But she could not do that. Not now. If she didn't go through with it Erika would surely be angry at her. And with the amount of power she held? Astrid didn't know what she would do, but it wouldn't be pretty, whatever it was. Dying at Izayuki's hands... Or dying at Erika's. Which one was more horrifying? That should be obvious.
Though lightheaded with fear the dragon slayer rose to her feet, staring into the blue portal in front of her. She just didn't have to think about it. That was it. If she didn't think about anything this would make everything easier. She told herself that, but the more she did, the more she thought about it. The pain of dying. The pain of her actions.
Small fists clenched.
She was being stupid. It was too late. She had gone through with this. She agreed. It was either with her own free will or without. She was going to die either way. But at least with being controlled she wouldn't have this much trouble convincing herself to go in.
"Do it!"
The inner thought screamed within her head.
And without another thought, she took the first step, forcing herself into the swirling vortex of doom.
She closed her eyes the minute she entered the portal, so she could not say what had happened. One minute she had been in the white room, the next, she was staring at the sky.
It was gray, no sun in sight. Only gray with darker gray clouds scattering across it. But why was she staring up at the sky? She had gone through, backed by the white room no longer existing around her. But if she had gone through where was Erika? Where was Izayuki? Where was their plan?
She tried to move, curious to see if maybe the portal had transported her to the wrong location. But when she did, she found that she could not move.
Strange. No matter how hard or how much she wanted to lift her arms, legs, or head she simply could not. There was no feeling. She could not even feel where they were in relation to her body anymore. It was almost as if they did not exist.
What was wrong with her?
What the girl did not understand, was that she had indeed been transported to the correct location. The plan had indeed succeeded. The reason she could not move her body or feel anything, was because she was dying. Izayuki's sharp claws had made swift contact with the mage's throat, sending her to the floor instantly upon arriving in between the space where Erika and Izayuki were fighting. She was bleeding out. Slowly. Her body had to yet catch up with everything, since it happened so fast. It was unable to process such speeds, such pain.
Crimson blood spilled from the open wound, pooling around the motionless girl every second it was allowed to run freely. All she could do, was stare up at the sky, and wonder why it looked as though it was about to cry.
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