One Piece, Two Piece, Red Piece, Blue Piece.

It was a beautiful sunny day out and about upon the docks, there were the rich and the poor,  all were prepared to get on a boat and be hit by an ice burg, but now Erika, no, Erika was here in order to have a fine little jolly out upon the water with her most wonderful first mate Faeral, ignore the fact that he owned the boat, it was Erika's boat while she was upon it, since only Erika could control such a marvelous poop deck. Indeed the boat, the Jolly Rancher, or so that was what Erika called it, was a marvelous ship that made everyone jealous, first off it was nearly three times the size of the other men's boats, and sure did look like sweet candy. Indeed, Erika had to say that this boat was something she could for sure, ride upon, and it would be in a glorious style. See that was the thing about Faeral, he was dapper enough that even a simple boat was such a wonderful thing, though Erika didn't want any other seamen to man the vessal, this was just a nice little adventure for the two of them to grow closer, and to try and find some treasure, and probably kill a few pirates in horrible and hilarious ways.

See Erika knew the routine by now, they did some jokes, punched some guys in the willy, and then got all the treasure, if only they were in the same town as that one house, then they could also relieve some stress since that couch was just so comfy, but alas they might have to settle for another avenue, the beating up of some pirate crew after the same treasure as them. No one was allowed to try and make off with booty unless it was Faeral and Erika, or rather team Faerika. These little shrimps were going to be stir-fried by their brand of fishy justice, and they would of course only use the best butter of their abilities to make the meal extra fresh and tasty.

The seagulls made their chirping annoying noise as Erika daintily held her umbrella, and moved towards the boat, she skipped a bit, making sure that others could hear the sound her wonderful designer boots made, after all, she had made them as her fashion designer persona. She was pleased actually with how well the children had made these shoes, they were in good condition, that one jewel a day pay really was going to good people, and that made her proud, her sweatshop labor was some of the best in the world, but since it was Erika's... of course it would be.

Arriving onto the boat with but a twirl, Erika smiled and tilted her head a bit as she called out towards Faeral.

"Faeral my darling are you here and are you ready to get this little adventure underway! You could say that this job really suits us, since we can both swim! Now then are you ready to ship out?"

---

Total WC: 512/6300.
Post WC: 512.

Spoiler:

Woe be to any poor fool who believed they could keep up with Erika, especially at the start. At this point Faeral’s sole advantage lay in “experience” – having known the woman for years now and so could predict a few little eccentricities. For instance she often loved going out, just the two of them! Trying to drive a large airship taught the man that if the vessel couldn’t be built to be controlled by one fellow then it was worthless and the designer should be fired. Naturally his two-toned female companion helped the businessman weed out the undesirables at he stared up at the large vessel.

Lesson two: let her name them. Well on this point there remained a bit of conflict, his father usually liking some say due to possibly using them for business contacts, meetings, etc. and so sometimes the name could flip between two with a mere toggling of a switch. While his father might call it The Majestic Sunset or whatever garbage the man coined, the vessel would truly be the Jolly Rancher by rights of Erika. He could only imagine it somehow stemmed from pirates or dreams of being pirates knowing the unique woman…not that he blamed her, having perhaps envisioned himself a captain of such a crew at times in his youth. The flag may or may not have sported a Jolly Roger with a top hat on the skull.

Overhead some “Rats of the Skies: Sea Edition” flocked and hovered, squawking what was probably the bird equivalent of “Mine? Mine?” over and over again, shitting on the unfortunate people unable to avoid the white splatter. Side stepping one such bomb with all the ease of a gentleman of high society – and hiding any form of smiling as another, more finely dressed fellow failed to repeat the maneuver – Faeral eyed the ship. ’Yep, large just as she likes them.’

Today it’d be just the two of them, even his usual assistant and bodyguard of sorts off on some job or assignment currently. After all there were times he needed to give Erika the sole focus she deserved when allowed to spoil her as such. He didn’t snort at her reasoning, only lightly smiled and nodded, ”Of course, now if milady would board the vessel I shall pull us out of port and get this treasure-hunting cruise underway.” With a flourish he waved his arm towards the gangplank, offering a bow even as his other hand held the sturdier of his top hats to his chest. Just because he was in more adventurous, hardy clothes today instead of the ones his father insisted on wearing didn’t mean that:

1 – He would drop his manners.

And 2 – That the style was completely lowbrow and commoner.

When she made her way on the bridge to the boat he’d place the hat back into place and board behind her, signaling some of the dock hands to remove the plank and ties.

”Hmm…would it be out of line of me to request milady fix me a drink? After we’re on the open seas of course.” he asked lightly as he started up the ship, a few sails unfurling even as engines came online: a mix of both natural and manmade speed. There were only a few close calls, an unfortunate kayaker and some odd fellow in a rowboat getting in the way, but they managed to paddle enough so Faeral shrugged it off: no harm no fowl. Above a few sea gulls opted to follow them on their maiden voyage – considering this was technically the Jolly Rancher Mark 2 after an incident. The birds earned themselves a glower from the man, ”And some sky-rat repellent or better. Last thing we need is these things trying to paint the ship.”

Faeral as always, was being the perfect gentleman for Erika, if she didn't expect this sort of treatment in the first place she might view it as something special, but knowing that others never got this treatment, as to them it was special and as they rightfully shouldn't, Erika took satisfaction in receiving it. In short she was pleased, but what is the fun in saying that, when you can expand upon it, and make it far more complicated since more complicated means more important. Speaking of complicated, the boat was constructed as such, it was a mixture of sailing and magical power, Faeral certainly had wonderful connections, though she too had them, Erika believed that she shouldn't exposure such secrets yet, after all, how would his heart handle knowing that this trophy girlfriend, and I don't mean trophy as in the participation crap you get from playing in elementary school soccer, no she was like winning the gold medal in the Erilympics, aka the only medal that mattered; was the wonderful, rich, and famous fashion designer Nightshade on the side. Erika thusly might have had as much money as Faeral, though she actually doubted that, she had to make expenses where possible since apparently it was a crime to make children work for nothing. One jewel a day though cut into her profits, and it was something she would have to endure till she had the law changed, of course, she just didn't view it as important right now.

"Why of course Faeral, I would love a drink, your finest Bourbon please, I am feeling a little bit feisty today, hopefully, the ruffians out on the sea can pose even the smallest of challenges for us. I doubt it, though, I believe the biggest annoyance shall be these birds, trying to rain on our parade, like you say."

Sighing softly, Erika moved to the deck, or rather towards the chair upon the deck of the wonderfully large boat. She did enjoy sitting on this boat fairly often, as whenever it set sail it really took her for a nice, relaxing, and something exciting ride. You could say, that Faeral was really good at driving a stick shift since she assumed the boat was such, after all, how could he handle a boat with such girth without the proper skills or tools at his disposal. Such marvelous engineering, still she wondered if it could without a pirate attack. Erika supposed that was they were for, to destroy the pirates before they could dare to harm this wonderful ship, and to get the treasure.

"Say Faeral, what do you think the pirates will be like, I wonder, I have only seen pirates once, and they seemed to be quite jolly.... one of them even being named Roger."

She chuckled a little bit at her own joke, like a total dork.

"Ah, sorry just a bit of nautical humor, you could say no one would sea that coming, perhaps my sense of humor might be taking a dive? Just like their ship will if it approaches us. Seriously though Faeral, you have been working quite a bit recently, I suppose the rune knights are making you do all their dirty work, I must say they recognize quality when they see it, perhaps that's one thing they have going for them. Still I would appreciate if we could have more moments like this, it does get so lonely in the home, occasionally I even lose my motivation for murder... which is just such a shame."

Erika held out a bit of a puffed lip and shaking eyes, in order to inspire guilt in the man, even it would be futile, especially since she was faking it in the first place.

"Basically, Faeral Senpai why won't you notice me!?"

Before a response might be met by Erika's ears, however, the thus far rambling woman had her headcanon silenced as a gunshot rang throughout the air, Apparently someone was attempting to fire upon their boat, was it an invisible pirate ship manned by the most powerful of crews, could it be a teleportation attack from another dimension! Erika jumped at the thought of there being some kind of conflict, and only after a little while of sailing too, so wonderful, she needed to stretch herself, she hadn't attempted such a feat of destruction since her last treasure hunt with a little red head. Only after Erika had jumped to an upright position and scuttled over to the side of the boat did she notice... it was simply two pirates who were firing off pea shooters at the side of the glorious Jolly Rancher. Now you might think this meant that they were some kind of tiny gun, but no really, they had pea plants firing peas at the side of the boat, what did they think they were going to kill zombies or something? Seriously why did they have pots on their heads firing such projectiles, it was depressing to witness.


"Excuse me, what do you two think you are doing!?"

"Why we are looking for treasure, we have to back into our crew, now hand over your treasure!"

"I dare say I shall not hand it over to the likes of you, I don't even understand why you have such things on your head, pea plants would die in this kind of climate."

"How rude, we planted them in a special soil!"

"Special soil? That doesn't matter the climate would kill them."

"They are adapted pea's carried here by a swallow from the north."

"Swallows don't migrate this far south, you are lying!"

"We are not, we got them from them, their flight velocity is enough to keep the peas intact too, you are the ignorant one, your mother was probably a hampster, and your father probably smelt of elder berries"

"Excuse me, my father was a very rich man, and my mother was a bowl of ice cream!"

"Your mother was a whore, a cheap one at that, you harlot!"

Suddenly, they were hoisted from their tiny rowboat, and grasping at their throats Erika held her hand aloft, holding them by the very tattered clothes they wore.

"I'm sorry, I can't suffer such insults any longer, my mother certainly wasn't a whore, but if I had to say that she was, she would be the BEST whore, after me of course, since I am perfect in all things. Ask my fine dapper friend over there, he would agree that I am the best at all I do, no matter it is that I do."

"You... you would kill over something so simple?"

"Only the simple would view such a mistake as simple. It's okay like you are now you shall become, SIMPLY a waste of my time."

It was then that they exploded into a cloud of dust as she had the threads shred them from head to toe in a glorious display to one swift strike. Erika felt a little bad, Faeral didn't get to have some fun there, oh well Erika might let him do something, later on, to keep him from getting cobwebs in the knees, after all, she wanted to keep him limber.

"Well Faeral, if the other pirates are like them, I suppose we have nothing to worry about though they did say they got kicked out... maybe they do have some form of intelligence, certainly not the majority of the crew wears such stupid hats... right? No one could violate so many fashion laws in one fell strike... could they? Could one be so stupid, the world is truly a frightening place if such genetic filth can be birthed into it."

Smiling a little bit, Erika returned to her seat to enjoy a bit more of her drink, hopefully not interrupted by idiots again. Perhaps they were just the rejects that had left the crew to try and start their own, and the rest of them had dignity, or at least, some tact.

---

Total WC: 1849/6300
Post WC: 1337

Ah, but of course the words went in one ear and completely morphed. The man tried though, he just accepted that once he could get them to a place where auto-pilot wouldn’t wreck his ship – and subsequently a dock or some paddleboat pedestrians – that he’d be making the drinks. Not that he minded, it was just interesting to see when she might occasionally grant his commands. Kind of like a game of chance. Noting the drink order in his mind the man smirked slightly: woe be the crew who crossed them if Erika felt “feisty.” Then again there weren’t many moods one wanted to cross her in, one’s health more secured if they merely stayed out of her way (or rolled out the red carpet then they might earn some brownie points, or more importantly, Erika points – obviously worth more). Hell as far as Faeral knew he hadn’t earned any…but who knew? Maybe she just didn’t want to admit to one or two?

Then came the string of puns that left one torn between hiding one’s face beneath their palm or laughing. The last bit about losing her motivation for murder though, now that was worthy of a few chuckles followed by the pitiful(ly adorable) expression she offered soon after. ”Yes, it’s unfortunately full of busy work in the lower ranks, though I imagine it’ll only be somewhat better at higher ranks. Fret not milady, I imagine it’d be impossible not to find time to spend with you…your ‘senpai’ notices, they simply like teasing their ‘kohai’ a little. I never promised to be a nice ‘senpai’ after all.”

Belatedly he realized the words were lost on the woman, something over the side having grabbed her attention instead. The noise escaped him, though with the obnoxious cawing of seagulls constantly asking if something was their’s in idiot bird speak how could the man hear those pitiful pea shooters? When he heard mention of pea plants and a discussion-turning-argument about climate and soil the man’s attention finally caught proper notice. Perhaps senpai really did need to pay more attention?

The argument only turned ridiculous from there before the scallywags threw out their last, unfortunate insult and found themselves held aloft. ’I suppose I should’ve had a plank added somewhere…but I suppose they’ll be cast overboard IF they’re so lucky.’ He doubted it though, placing the odds in favor of a swift destruction as he set auto-pilot into gear and moved towards the nearby mini-bar. Setting out a pair of glasses he placed a large sphere of ice into one glass and a couple of cubes into another before preparing a cup of his finest bourbon – at least the one he recalled she favored the most and thus “finest” by default – and an Old Fashioned for himself.

Offering the glass to the two-toned woman he merely shrugged and sipped his drink. ”It’s hard to say until we find the rest of the degenerates…but hopefully they merely clung to those two out of some sense of pity and cast them out when they showed no signs of improvement? I mean creativity can help breathe life into any good organization…but it would seem their levels remained too low for the big leagues. Perhaps they should’ve grinded more before trying to play with the big boys?” Well sometimes that was the harsh lessons of life: to be cut down by unforeseen bosses? Not every game could baby its players and these unfortunate saps found themselves wandering too far into higher leveled territories when they should’ve stayed in the tutorial training grounds a bit longer.

Faeral returned to the console merely to check that they remained on course before opting to stand next to Erika and admire the picturesque scenery. Waves glittered beneath a dashing sun, a nearby dolphin troupe decided to jump above the water and bless them with a bit of song and chatter – something blessedly different – and blue skies showed no signs of impending storms, but treated them to fluffy clouds that constantly shifted from one form to another. The only thing that ruined it became a gun shot that silent the flying pests as the dark haired captain sighed, ”My apologies…at least the others have scattered…even if only to eat the carcass.” They’d swoop onto the water’s surface and plunder what they could from the corpse before something else swam along to devour the corpse of their flock member’s remains. Noise aside he really detested how desperate those birds could act.

A figure on the horizon caught his eye before the scanners picked it up, the blip recognized in the background even as he produced a telescope. It’d be a matter of minutes before they came within proper distance, easily enough to prepare as he continued to scope them out. ’It’s no flagship…built more for speed. Hmm…’ Judging by the sides from what he could see they’d likely try pulling alongside them and firing cannon balls until his ship sank….over their damned bodies. However unlike a more grandeur ship the thing only sported a few windows for the cannons compared to a proper vessel for any privateer or commander. The crew raced about the ship as they prepared for the ensuing battle, though he watched as someone else with a telescope pointed at them and proceeded to laugh.

He’d be the last to die.

”Well my Lady Erika, it would appear we’ve got some incoming company. If you are so inclined by all means, let your ‘feisty’ side out I merely have one request: leave the portly fellow with but a vest and baggy pants live until the bitter end. I want to see the look on his face as the rest of crew dies pitifully and paints their boat a nice, new, shiny red hue before going up in flames,” he paused as his eyes ghosted over the others, ”I might be remiss in informing you that…while the previous pair are likely the bottom of the barrel of their crew, I’m not sure if the rest of them fare much better…I think a few of them have armed themselves with varieties of hammers and other’s with more dubious plant life. Well…shall we prepare to board, or welcome them aboard?”

The decision would be her’s whether they chose to meet their new friends on their turf or let the party crashers actually arrive as he pushed a few buttons and activated their timers. He figured he’d offer the pirates…ten minutes at best to regret their life’s decisions before his ship would splinter them to smithereens. ’Be their ship bathed in blood or they watch the vessel sink as their hope dwindles: either is a fitting end for such crimes against fashion let alone us. How dare that fellow laugh at us when he matched such garish colors together, and let that top hat go to ruin!’ Faeral didn’t mind a certain ‘weather/age beaten’ look to clothing, but the hat that’d adorned the man with the large belly and telescope surpassed those categories straight into “decrepit and disintegrating.” It would require a proper burial after he’d shown the careless owner the error of his ways.

Finally their ship made it almost next to their’s, waves crashing and rising up between them as the men chucked hooks at the railing alongside a stray hammer or two – one a mallet really even as another was but a humble tack hammer that almost hit the dapper gentleman had he not caught it. Uncaring for the gift however he immediately returned it to sender, watching as the curved back end met with the thrower’s eye and sending him falling backwards as the one remaining eye rolled into the back of his head. ’Not even one maiden voyage and someone’s already attempting to ding my property. I really shouldn’t be surprised anymore.’