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by Hello everyone,
I will try to make this as concise as possible, without any unnecessary drama on my behalf. I am FTRPs 'oldest' veteran, so I will leave with as much grace as I can bring up, but not without saying a few words worth reading. I owe FTRP this much and perhaps I can insert some final notions of wisdom for those who care enough to learn from them.
What a long and painful exit this has been, right? Lots of plans and promises made and broken, a lot of intention with little realization, a lot of talk and little action.
For the last few months, this has been my presence on FTRP. A drained admin holding on for as long as possible, with little to no breath left. My passion for the site gradually extinguished by a divergence in perspectives and views on the future. A shadow of the person I once was on this board.
I watched this board grow out of the vision I had for it and became increasingly opposed by members and staff alike. There were plenty of problems, but apparantly I had lost the ability to assess them correctly to suit everybody's needs. Yet, I remained in my position to hold this place together - because it was the right thing to do, and FTRP deserved it - believing I could find the spark within myself to kickstart this place into the community I had been longing it to become.
Repeatedly, I lost willpower. Repeatedly, I was convinced to stay by those I'd leave behind without my guidance. Truthfully, there was only one person I was actually still holding on for, despite me making myself believe otherwise.
This is the image I leave behind... not exactly the one I would have wished for myself three years back. Allow me to briefly paint my picture:
Three years ago, I was hopping from one RP board to the next, trying to find the right place for me. A warming community where even a new member could matter, or at least obtain the feeling that he did. After a long and unsuccesful journey (being a member here, becoming a mod there, learning how to be an admin here, failing as a staff member there,), Seijin fished me out of the water - granted me the opportunity to work for him in creating FTRP. I seized the opportunity immediately, thinking: if I could not find the right RP community, I'd build my own.
The first year, I was driven and full of energy to dedicate. I ran the staff pretty much by myself as Seijin handled the content and the general shape of the board. I started writing the rules as he needed me to. I communicated closely with Seijin and pretty much all the members on the board on a daily basis for hours. I spent a lot of free time on the site, and I loved it. The board grew, the community grew, it was a great feeling.
The second year was challenging. It was hard to maintain a competent staff. Most of the time, I had to compensate for the understandable mistakes of others - a trend that never ended from that point on - while making plenty of mistakes myself. I was learning a lot, I was adapting, I was testing my limits. The rules changed more and more as the community grew, addressing specific needs as they became more prominent and important. The site was developing fast. Generations of members came and went, and so did full teams of mods and fellow admins. The board was dynamic, it had gotten a taste of its own potential and it wanted more. Again, I loved it. It became a bit more stressful, but I still managed to be close to the community. I listened closely - and selectively - and was supported in return. It felt incredibly rewarding.
The third year went uphill and downhill very very quickly. The pace at which the board had picked up, was exceeding my ability to keep up. Real life was getting busier and busier and I soon found myself in a position where I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed more help and significant help. By this time, I already had quite a skilled force of staff members at my disposal. I didn't have to grade apps anymore and a lot of the more tedious and routine tasks were taken care of. At this point, all I had to do was drama control, adjusting the rules, answer questions from all corners of the board and develop content. Stuff I used to love, but it had become tedious task at this point. The community had outgrown my ability to handle it on my own while coping with real life. My communication with Seijin was at an all time low, ungratefulness at an all time high and I started to lose sense of who or what I was doing it for again. This is when Kyll entered the scene.
I cannot possibly explain how much of a help Kyll was during the last year of my FTRP career, but I don't feel like I need to. You all know. There was a point where I even left the site for a few months because I was preoccupied with things and Kyll excellently held the fort. She took over a lot of drama control, did all the crunching of information so that she could deliver it to my 'desk' in an orderly fashion and ready for use. The staff became more and more competent and it became apparant that our odds at turning this place into something even more unique than it already was were increasing.
Despite all this, my motivation was decaying. I was outgrowing the board, plain and simple. Things I used to enjoy had become a headache. I no longer invested myself in getting to know new members until they could mean something to me. Every guild event I had attempted to start up had been a miss, so I stopped developing Eclipse Soul (Kyll was managing my guild as well, mind you). All I was occupied with, were the big changes. I wanted to change the site's foundations. By this time, so many problems had popped up that could only be addressed with dramatic changes to the site's core systems. I used up all my energy on that, and got nowhere. The site had grown immensely, but had become something I had not intended it to be. There was a lack of maturity that I simply couldn't compensate for.
Slowly and steadily, Kyll started to take over more and more of my responsibilities and I faded into the background. What you don't know is that I supported and helped her through all of the hell you threw at her. I acted through her, because that was the only way I could still stand being on this board. There were more than just a handful of decisions you disliked her for, or gave her shit about, that came from me. She filtered the drama, took the damage, and I was left relatively unaffected.
It was selfish, which I realized plenty of times, and I told her to stop getting as involved as she did time and time again. All of it, she did for you. Despite all the hell, this community meant something to her. She couldn't just give up, so neither could I. At least, that's what I told myself. In reality, I had already given up a long time ago. I was dispassionate and no longer cared, only helping those that approached me personally. Kyll was better than that, and did not deserve the way you treated her.
Initially, I was going to write this farewell message asking for your forgiveness, because I do regret my behaviour in these last few months. Now, I realize, I don't need it. I've given three years to this board, I've given enough.
I won't waste my words on personal notes to certain people on the board. Kyll already took care of most of that in her farewell post. There are hypocrites and scumbags on this board, they're in your guild, they're on your staff and they're probably on your friendlist. Be careful whom you choose to hate, love, trust and follow.
I hope this board becomes the best it could be, whatever that is.
Thank you for the valuable journey on a cobblestone road.
Zeno
I will try to make this as concise as possible, without any unnecessary drama on my behalf. I am FTRPs 'oldest' veteran, so I will leave with as much grace as I can bring up, but not without saying a few words worth reading. I owe FTRP this much and perhaps I can insert some final notions of wisdom for those who care enough to learn from them.
What a long and painful exit this has been, right? Lots of plans and promises made and broken, a lot of intention with little realization, a lot of talk and little action.
For the last few months, this has been my presence on FTRP. A drained admin holding on for as long as possible, with little to no breath left. My passion for the site gradually extinguished by a divergence in perspectives and views on the future. A shadow of the person I once was on this board.
I watched this board grow out of the vision I had for it and became increasingly opposed by members and staff alike. There were plenty of problems, but apparantly I had lost the ability to assess them correctly to suit everybody's needs. Yet, I remained in my position to hold this place together - because it was the right thing to do, and FTRP deserved it - believing I could find the spark within myself to kickstart this place into the community I had been longing it to become.
Repeatedly, I lost willpower. Repeatedly, I was convinced to stay by those I'd leave behind without my guidance. Truthfully, there was only one person I was actually still holding on for, despite me making myself believe otherwise.
This is the image I leave behind... not exactly the one I would have wished for myself three years back. Allow me to briefly paint my picture:
Three years ago, I was hopping from one RP board to the next, trying to find the right place for me. A warming community where even a new member could matter, or at least obtain the feeling that he did. After a long and unsuccesful journey (being a member here, becoming a mod there, learning how to be an admin here, failing as a staff member there,), Seijin fished me out of the water - granted me the opportunity to work for him in creating FTRP. I seized the opportunity immediately, thinking: if I could not find the right RP community, I'd build my own.
The first year, I was driven and full of energy to dedicate. I ran the staff pretty much by myself as Seijin handled the content and the general shape of the board. I started writing the rules as he needed me to. I communicated closely with Seijin and pretty much all the members on the board on a daily basis for hours. I spent a lot of free time on the site, and I loved it. The board grew, the community grew, it was a great feeling.
The second year was challenging. It was hard to maintain a competent staff. Most of the time, I had to compensate for the understandable mistakes of others - a trend that never ended from that point on - while making plenty of mistakes myself. I was learning a lot, I was adapting, I was testing my limits. The rules changed more and more as the community grew, addressing specific needs as they became more prominent and important. The site was developing fast. Generations of members came and went, and so did full teams of mods and fellow admins. The board was dynamic, it had gotten a taste of its own potential and it wanted more. Again, I loved it. It became a bit more stressful, but I still managed to be close to the community. I listened closely - and selectively - and was supported in return. It felt incredibly rewarding.
The third year went uphill and downhill very very quickly. The pace at which the board had picked up, was exceeding my ability to keep up. Real life was getting busier and busier and I soon found myself in a position where I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed more help and significant help. By this time, I already had quite a skilled force of staff members at my disposal. I didn't have to grade apps anymore and a lot of the more tedious and routine tasks were taken care of. At this point, all I had to do was drama control, adjusting the rules, answer questions from all corners of the board and develop content. Stuff I used to love, but it had become tedious task at this point. The community had outgrown my ability to handle it on my own while coping with real life. My communication with Seijin was at an all time low, ungratefulness at an all time high and I started to lose sense of who or what I was doing it for again. This is when Kyll entered the scene.
I cannot possibly explain how much of a help Kyll was during the last year of my FTRP career, but I don't feel like I need to. You all know. There was a point where I even left the site for a few months because I was preoccupied with things and Kyll excellently held the fort. She took over a lot of drama control, did all the crunching of information so that she could deliver it to my 'desk' in an orderly fashion and ready for use. The staff became more and more competent and it became apparant that our odds at turning this place into something even more unique than it already was were increasing.
Despite all this, my motivation was decaying. I was outgrowing the board, plain and simple. Things I used to enjoy had become a headache. I no longer invested myself in getting to know new members until they could mean something to me. Every guild event I had attempted to start up had been a miss, so I stopped developing Eclipse Soul (Kyll was managing my guild as well, mind you). All I was occupied with, were the big changes. I wanted to change the site's foundations. By this time, so many problems had popped up that could only be addressed with dramatic changes to the site's core systems. I used up all my energy on that, and got nowhere. The site had grown immensely, but had become something I had not intended it to be. There was a lack of maturity that I simply couldn't compensate for.
Slowly and steadily, Kyll started to take over more and more of my responsibilities and I faded into the background. What you don't know is that I supported and helped her through all of the hell you threw at her. I acted through her, because that was the only way I could still stand being on this board. There were more than just a handful of decisions you disliked her for, or gave her shit about, that came from me. She filtered the drama, took the damage, and I was left relatively unaffected.
It was selfish, which I realized plenty of times, and I told her to stop getting as involved as she did time and time again. All of it, she did for you. Despite all the hell, this community meant something to her. She couldn't just give up, so neither could I. At least, that's what I told myself. In reality, I had already given up a long time ago. I was dispassionate and no longer cared, only helping those that approached me personally. Kyll was better than that, and did not deserve the way you treated her.
Initially, I was going to write this farewell message asking for your forgiveness, because I do regret my behaviour in these last few months. Now, I realize, I don't need it. I've given three years to this board, I've given enough.
I won't waste my words on personal notes to certain people on the board. Kyll already took care of most of that in her farewell post. There are hypocrites and scumbags on this board, they're in your guild, they're on your staff and they're probably on your friendlist. Be careful whom you choose to hate, love, trust and follow.
I hope this board becomes the best it could be, whatever that is.
Thank you for the valuable journey on a cobblestone road.
Zeno
